“Yeah,” breathed Penny. “She was painfully not smart.”
Celeste laughed. “I bet you have a lot of people,” she said. “You’ve got to understand that not everybody’s going to be exactly your kind of person. They’re not going to be completely satisfactory or meet your myriad qualifications.”
Penny sighed. Celeste was right. She thought about what Mallory said about how her mom would feel if she’d heard the things she’d said about her. If Jude or Mallory heard her disavow their friendship they’d be hurt. Sam too.
Ugh. Sam.
“You’re a particular petunia,” she said. “And that’s okay. It’s good to have high standards. I worry because you hold yourself against these standards too. You’re way too hard on yourself. This analysis and thinking and plotting and figuring out, it’s stopping you from living your life. Just be, Penny. Don’t push people away.”
“I think I pushed someone away,” said Penny. “But it wasn’t on purpose.”
“Was he cute?”
Penny rolled her eyes. “Mom.”
Celeste nudged her daughter in the ribs. “Well, was he?”
Penny laughed. “Yeah,” she said. “You’ve met him—Sam.”
“The guy from the coffee shop?”
Penny nodded.
“Stop. The one with the tattoos?”
Penny nodded again.
“Are you on birth control?”
“What? Mom. We’re not sleeping together. I’m in love with him.”
“Oh, thank God, because, Penny, that isn’t a boy. That’s an actual man.”
“Mom seriously, stop,” said Penny. They sat on her bed. Her pillows were so soft and enticing.
Celeste sighed. It had been a long night for both of them.
“Mom?”
“Yes, baby?”
Penny took a deep breath. “How do you know if you’re in love?” Penny snuck a peek at her mom and could practically hear the AWWWWWWW in her head and Care Bear stares flying out of her eyes.
“Okay, hmm . . .” Her mother tightened her embrace. “You know how I know?”
If there was anything Celeste was good for, it was exactly this.
“I know I love someone when I can’t remember what they look like in any real way. I can never seem to recall whether they’re handsome or ugly or if other people think they’re cute. All I know is that when I’m not with them and I think about them, where their face should be is this big cloud of good feelings and affection.”
“Ugh,” said Penny. “That’s how you know? I thought you would have a comprehensive list or something.”
Her mother laughed. “It doesn’t work that way at all,” she said. “It’s more this undeniable mood. It’s this warm, familiar, and exciting feeling where you miss them already when you’re with them.”
That sounded right.
Not being with Sam was excruciating.
STILL PENNY.
Penny dozed with her mom the way they used to when she was little, facing each other but not touching. Penny wanted to inch over and huff the familiar mom smell deep into her lungs and hold it there. Truth was, before everything went wrong, Penny had slept in her mom’s bed all the time when she lived at home. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed it.
She stared up at her ceiling. Mallory was right. Her mom needed to be milked. Penny had to stop working herself up thinking it was a bigger deal than it was. Especially since Penny missed Celeste and wanted to see her. Her mother’s eyes were closed. It hurt Penny’s heart how much she loved her. How scared she’d been when Michael called. Loving someone was traumatizing. You never knew what would happen to them out there in the world. Everything precious was also vulnerable.
It wasn’t Celeste’s fault. What happened to Penny was nobody’s fault but Bobby’s. And one day when Penny could find the words, she’d tell her mom. Celeste might not say all the right things right away. She might say a bunch of wrong things in a row for a while, but they’d find a way to talk again. Penny had to give her a chance. She had to let Celeste in. That’s how it worked.
Penny grabbed her phone and scrolled through the list of notes she’d made about her story.
Mother and the Anima were connected and loved each other, but whereas the Anima couldn’t thrive unless she left Mother, Mother would be destroyed without her.
Penny tapped out a few lines.
Escape.
It’s all I think about. I don’t know how I got the idea. Or when. I didn’t know that these flashes of information were even thoughts. Until I did. And that they belonged to me. It was my voice talking to my self except I didn’t have to make a sound. There was something else, too. Curiosity. I started wondering. I wanted more. Things I didn’t know and hadn’t seen or heard. I don’t want to stay here. I want to go. I love my home. The realms seem infinite, alive with possibility, but when Mother goes, everything goes dark with her. I want a world where everything lights up because I’m in it.
The Anima didn’t want the human baby to die. She didn’t wish ill on the parents either. Or the PC bang or anyone else in that world. It’s that she didn’t believe that humans deserved to live more than she did. Than anyone else in the game. The Animas were second-class to the players and arguably to the humans. But it didn’t have to be that way. The humans were just visitors. Tourists at best. Colonists at worst. Penny thought about how certain physicists believed that reality is a simulation created by future civilizations purely for entertainment. There was no way to know who was running the show. To be the hero, you had to decide it was you.
Penny typed furiously into her phone, and when a message came in she swiped it away before it broke her train of thought. When she was done she took a peek at her mom. Celeste’s eyes sprang open as if sensing her daughter was awake in the room.
The text was from Sam.
Penny texted him back.
Hey
He hit her back immediately.
Hey
What are you up to?
My mom’s here
napping
Went to see Brandi Rose
Penny couldn’t believe that after months of silence that Sam would visit.
WHAT?
Just drove over there
WHOA
How was it
Not as bad as it could have been
Where are you?
At home
Home as in home home or your room?
Room
And your mom’s there?
Yeah she drove up
We talked about it
It’s cool now
Good
That makes me happy
Wait
Where are you?
I’m outside
Outside outside or outside my room?
She leapt to her feet. Her mom cocked her head as if to say, “What’s up?”
Penny could hear laughing outside her door.
Who is that? Celeste mouthed at her daughter.
Outside your room
Penny’s brain went into DEFCON 1. She searched Celeste’s face helplessly.
What to do when Sam, actual Sam, visits you in your room while Celeste is also present: 1. Hoist Celeste out the window. She’s a resilient woman and you’re only two floors up.
2. Send Sam away and spend more quality time with your mother who birthed you and had a horrible birthday. A birthday that you missed.
3. Just go very silent and hope Sam will forget that you responded to any of this.
Penny’s mouth was dry. She crept to the bathroom quietly to brush her teeth.
“Mom,” she whispered over the foam. “It’s Sam.” Penny’s eyes felt spicy and bloodshot from the cry-nap.
At that, Celeste did something so knowing and awesome that Penny suspected she did have a better handle on parenting than she’d ever given her credit for.
Her mother’s eyes widened as she quietly gathered her cardigan, sunglasses, and purse.
Penny smiled with the toothpaste foam dripping. “I love you,” she said. “I so owe you.”
“You so do,” responded Celeste, heading for the door.
The prospect of Celeste and Sam seeing each other again made Penny feel hopelessly awkward. Plus, she didn’t need Celeste to see anything revealing or odd if Sam was there to tell Penny something she absolutely didn’t want to hear. Penny’s phone continued to buzz.
Should I come back?
I’m sorry I can hear you freaking out in there I can come back
“No!” she yelled. Penny spat into the sink, wiped her mouth, smoothed her hair, and cracked open the door.