But…
“I don’t think I know you.” I expect him to laugh at that. Pass it off as silly. It might be silly. I know a lot about him. “I don’t think I have the faintest idea of who you are. But more importantly, I don’t know me either. I have no idea who I am right now. I have lost every identity I’ve scratched out for myself over the past eighteen years and I feel like I’m standing at day one.”
He watches me as I try to figure things out.
“It’s scary, Mateo.”
“It doesn’t have to be, Shannon.”
But I nod my head. “It really does. I think while I was in here getting used to your overpowering nature I lost sight of that. And if I let you help me—”
“Shannon.”
“If I let you be the reason I make it, the reason I get Olivia back, the reason why things turn out OK, then that’s it, Mateo. I’m done. I will never, ever stand on my own again. You will bulldoze me through life.”
“Shannon, please.”
But I shake my head. “I don’t even know what I want yet. I want Olivia, I like a lot of things you and I did together. But I’m not choosing you…”
I really do mean to say more. I really don’t mean to make it sound the way it does. The way I leave it. But I stop talking right at that moment. I stop talking so his last impression is one of rejection.
I stand up and say, “You should go to Arizona tomorrow.”
“Why are you doing this? To get even with me?”
I turn my back to him. “To get over you. I know you meant what you said back there at school, and I appreciate that. But you had your chance to be eighteen. You made your decisions.” I look over my shoulder. “It’s time for me to make mine. I don’t want to be saved, Mateo. Regardless of what you think, I’m not looking for someone to tell me what’s best, or keep me in check, or make life less scary. What is life without risk? And what is risk without fear?”
He has nothing to say to that. Mateo Alesci is struck speechless as I walk out of his house and cross Broadway. I make my way to my apartment and sure enough, there’s that little yellow tape over the front door.
Fuck them. Jason’s stuff is gone, it’s just my stuff being held hostage. I’m just about to rip the tape off the door when a voice calls out behind me.
“Wanna come inside, Shannon?”
I turn around to see the cop chick across the quad, peeking her head through her screen door. She’s got her blonde hair up in a ponytail and her uniform on.
“Are you going to bust me if I go inside and get my things?” I yell.
“No,” she calls back. “No one really cares. I’m sure they got what they needed last night.”
“Were you a part of it too? Is that why you moved in?”
“Maybe a little bit,” she concedes. “But not the way you think. I knew what the task force was up to, but that’s not why I asked you if you were OK that day.”
“Then why?”
“Why?” She laughs. “Because I care.” She opens her door wider and repeats her offer. “Want to come inside?”
“I really don’t,” I say back. “I just need to sleep. And I might not have much in there, but it’s mine. And I need it right now.”
“I get it. I do. And if you ever want to come talk, feel free. We can be friends.” She smiles at me, then closes her door and disappears inside.
I don’t want any more friends right now, so I open the front door to my apartment and go inside. It’s not trashed like you see in movies. Of course, we really had nothing. And Jason took everything that was his and Olivia’s when he left yesterday. My room has a few things out of place, but the bed is just fine.
I strip out of my clothes, take a shower, dress in shorts and a tank top, and spend the whole day curled up under a blanket in my dark room.
I do not sleep for one moment. My eyes close, but all I see are the mistakes I made.
Maybe this is why people kill themselves?
My whole life can be contained in a backpack. It makes me laugh. I have four days before I’m kicked out of this apartment, I have about—
A sharp knock on my window scares the shit out of me. Mateo stares back from the other side, and then he slides the window open and points his finger at me. “You know what?”
“What?” I growl. I’m so annoyed at him for interrupting my thoughts.
“Fuck you. Fuck you, Shannon. You don’t get to fucking wallow in pity and call me a bulldozer.”
“Get out.”
“No. I’m not even in, so I’m not getting out. I’m sticking around. How about that? You’re not gonna get rid of me that easy. And you know what else? I paid your fucking rent. Now what are you gonna do?”
“What?”
“I’ve lived in this neighborhood most of my life. You don’t think I know who owns this building? So you can’t just leave. You’re paid up for six months.”
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“I’m saving you, bitch.”