Meredith flattened her hand over his still-racing heart. When she spoke, her voice was controlled. Calm. But her body still trembled like a leaf in the wind.
‘When we’re faced with trauma, we often fall back into the patterns that are most ingrained, usually during childhood. Yours was drinking. Part of dealing – and healing – is learning new behaviors and practicing them until they become the new fallback position.’
‘That’s what my shrink says.’
Her nod against his chest was shaky. ‘Then he’s smart.’
‘She. I see Kate’s doc.’
He felt her smile against his skin, far preferable to her tears, although those had not stopped their constant flow. ‘Dr Lane? She’ll do you right.’ A hesitation. ‘So why did you decide to go sober on January sixth?’
‘You’re tenacious,’ he said mildly, but he kissed her forehead so that she wouldn’t take offense. ‘Don’t you want to go to sleep now?’
She pulled back to glare at him through her tears. ‘Yes. My head feels like it’s a soccer ball in play, but I want this done, Adam.’
‘Right.’ He urged her to snuggle against him again, not wanting eye contact. She complied and he wrapped his arms tight around her. ‘The morning after that first night when we . . . You know.’
‘When we slept together? Yes. I do know. I was there,’ she added dryly.
Yes, she had been. There. For me. ‘I woke up and you were still asleep and so pretty. I just watched you sleep for the longest time, wanting you. You, I mean. Not for sex. Well, yes for sex, because that was amazing, but—’ He stopped himself, his cheeks burning hot.
She patted his chest, taking pity on his rambling. ‘You wanted something more?’
‘I wanted everything – to hear your voice telling me it would be okay and to believe that was true. I wanted to deserve it, because I was so messed up, I couldn’t find my way back on my own. But even messed up, I knew that I couldn’t depend on you for my mental health. That’s not fair to you. And it’s not . . . sustainable.’
‘Good word.’
‘Dr Lane’s,’ he said. ‘I needed to get my shit together, so I left your bed and went right to Isenberg, took a leave of absence. Which went over real well with my family.’
‘Deacon and Dani criticized you?’ she asked disbelievingly.
‘No. Oh no. They were great. They’ve always been there for me. I meant my father. He, um, was not supportive.’
‘Hmm,’ she growled. ‘I see.’
He wasn’t sure she did, but that wasn’t important now. Just get through this. So they could hopefully go on. ‘I tried to get it together, but I kept seeing Paula, kept hearing her.’
‘Not surprising,’ she said gently.
He shrugged. ‘She was always there. In my sleep, when I was awake. I was useless. I hung around my apartment and . . .’ He shrugged again.
‘And drank,’ she supplied, still gentle.
‘Yeah. I missed the holidays. I didn’t even go to my parents’ house on Christmas last year. I was too drunk. And I know it worried my mother and she has a heart condition, so that made me feel guilty. So I drank more. Which made me deserve you even less. It was bad. A vicious cycle. I saw the department shrink and he didn’t help. I couldn’t ask you for any more help. It wasn’t fair to you. You can’t be my therapist or my crutch.’
‘No, I can’t,’ she agreed. ‘But I can support you. I can care about you.’
He hoped so. ‘I got invited to your birthday party by Dani and Deacon, but I couldn’t face them. I’d been horrible to Deacon and . . .’ He drew a breath and took the first plunge. ‘I made Faith lose her job with the bank because I called her boss, introduced myself as a homicide detective, then insinuated she was a suspect. I didn’t think she could forgive me.’
‘But she did. She told me all about it.’
It was his turn to rear back in surprise. ‘She did?’
‘Yes. You suspected her of being involved in multiple murders and called her boss at the bank to verify her employment. That was standard operating procedure, wasn’t it?’
He blinked. ‘Yes, but I thought you’d be mad about the way I did it.’
‘Maybe, but I’m not, because we all knew you were hurting then. We didn’t know why, but Adam, you were obviously the walking wounded. Besides, Faith had two job offers by the end of the following week. I’m glad she picked me. She’s an amazing therapist.’
‘I thought you offered her a job because . . .’ He frowned. ‘This isn’t gonna come out right. But I figured you felt sorry for her.’
She actually laughed. ‘I didn’t know she’d been fired when I asked her to work with me. I only had to watch her with the victims. Plus, you know, redhead solidarity.’ She sobered. ‘What else are you afraid I’ll be mad at?’
He squared his jaw. Next plunge. ‘I drove drunk.’
She met his eyes. ‘Okay. That’s really bad. Was that the night we slept together?’
‘No. That was on your birthday. I’d driven by your house and there were cars parked all over the block because of your party. I almost parked and went in. Almost. I was so stressed out at the thought of seeing everyone who knew I was on mental health leave . . . I got a little buzzed before I got there. Just to take off the edge. I drove around the block a couple times, then my cell rang. If it had been my mom’s number, I wouldn’t have answered. She’d texted and called a few times that day, but I was avoiding her too.’
‘Because she would have known you were buzzed.’
‘Yeah. She’d seen my dad that way for years, after all. But it wasn’t my mom’s number and I guess I was looking for an excuse not to go to your party, so I answered.’
Her expression had grown grave as he’d talked. ‘Who was it?’
‘The hospital. Mom had been texting and calling because she needed me to come over and fix a light bulb. I figured my dad could do that just as easily, so I let it go. But my father had gone duck hunting and so she’d climbed on a chair and . . .’ His throat closed.
‘Fell and ended up in the hospital. How badly was she hurt?’
He cleared his throat. ‘She sprained her arm and needed stitches in her head. The real damage was from a heart attack she had when she fell. I drove right to the hospital, but they’d called my father and he’d just gotten there too. He chased me out of her room. Said all the things he always did, but that time . . . He was right on point. I was a loser and I was a mental case. More than that, I was a bad son. I didn’t want to upset my mom with a hallway brawl, so I left.’ Tail between his legs. He sighed heavily. ‘I went straight from the hospital to a bar and drank myself stupid. And then I drove home.’
She frowned at him. ‘The bartender didn’t take your keys?’
‘Nope. I’m a functional drunk, apparently. He’d just come on shift. Didn’t know how much I’d already had. I’m also a pretty decent liar when I’m drunk. He never suspected. On the way home I . . .’ He closed his eyes, willing the panic away. Next plunge. Just tell her. ‘I hit a kid on a bike. A teenager.’
‘Oh my God,’ she whispered. ‘Was he okay?’
‘Yeah. Because I’m apparently the luckiest bastard alive. When I hit him, he went off the road and tumbled down a hill. He broke his arm.’ He let out a slow breath. ‘I could have killed him, Meredith.’