‘Still don’t.’
‘True, but it is getting better. Anyway, my parents found out because I was hospitalized, but I was able to keep it from Alex for years. Partly because as long as it was my secret, I could still be the strong one and she’d be the one who’d palmed a pill.’
‘What did she say when you told her?’
‘She cried. I cried. We became even closer.’
‘When did you tell her?’
‘Two years after she met Daniel and decided to stay in Atlanta. They wanted a Christmas wedding and she wanted me to be her maid of honor and I . . . couldn’t. It had only been three years since the plane crash. She thought that was the reason and tried to get me to see that it was a tribute to my folks. She’d loved them too, you see, and she really meant that. I told her that I couldn’t be in the wedding if it was at Christmas and she knew something had happened. I had to tell her everything. She’s um, kind of persuasive.’
‘I can’t wait to meet her.’
‘You’ll love her. Everyone does.’ She drew a breath, held it for a few seconds then let it out. Adam had learned this meant that he probably wouldn’t like what came next. ‘She doesn’t have to wear a mask for people to love her. She’s just herself.’
He’d been right. He didn’t like that statement at all. ‘Maybe the mask is just an assistive device for you. Like a hearing aid. I learned years ago that Greg uses his hearing aids to control how much of the world he lets in, and that’s his choice. The mask is your way of controlling the situation around you, of maintaining calm. You aren’t a different person underneath. It’s just how much of yourself you allow out on any given day.’
Her fingers faltered for a few seconds before resuming the petting of his chest. ‘I hadn’t thought of it that way. Maybe you’re right. I hope you are.’
‘So what happened the Christmas that your parents died?’
‘You can’t help asking the questions, can you?’ she asked dryly.
‘Would you want me to?’
‘No. I like the man you are. I always knew he was in there.’ She kissed his collarbone. ‘So. Christmas.’ She was quiet for another moment. ‘I was married.’
He froze where he lay as the fallout from that little bombshell filtered into his brain. Okay. ‘Married,’ he repeated, just to be sure he’d heard correctly.
‘Yes, but not for long.’
Adam felt like he’d been poleaxed, which he did not like. But she’d gone still in his arms and he liked that even less. ‘What happened?’
A sigh. ‘I had this boyfriend. Chris. He worked in my dad’s company. My parents and grandparents weren’t crazy about him, and I think I always knew that there was no future for us, but he made me feel not so lonely. One night I drank too much and we forgot protection and I got pregnant. Chris wasn’t entirely horrible, and he was raised by a single mom. He said we should get married because he didn’t want his kid growing up the same way. So we did. We had a simple service at the end of October and I bought a dress that would camouflage the baby belly. Nobody knew except my parents and grandparents.’
He did not want to think about her with another man. Ever. But she didn’t have a child now, so he knew this was important. ‘Did Alex know?’
‘Not at the time. I was just . . . I didn’t want her to know how stupid I’d been.’
End of October. He swallowed a groan, because this was not about him. ‘When I came to you that first time and we ended up in bed. That was the end of October.’
‘Yeah. I was feeling a little raw myself when you showed up. Don’t think you took advantage or anything. I was lonely and needy too. I slept with you because I wanted you and I wanted what we did. I didn’t want to be alone and neither did you. So it worked.’
He wanted to argue, but to do so was to imply she hadn’t known her own mind, and she definitely did. ‘Did he know about the cutting and the suicide attempt?’
‘Yes. I mean, he figured it out. The scars were more noticeable then. Anyway, we had Christmas that year and my parents left a few days later to go skiing. Dad had his pilot’s license and he’d bought a small plane.’
Oh no. He tipped her chin up so that he could kiss her forehead and then he gently cuddled her close again, ever conscious of the scrape on her cheek. ‘I’m so sorry.’
He felt her throat work as she swallowed hard. ‘I had my practice by then. Working with children who were depressed like I’d been or, like my cousin Alex, had been traumatized by something horrific. Chris didn’t approve. He didn’t want me bringing “all that sadness” home. Told me to get a job doing something else, and after the baby was born, I should quit because I was too fragile to handle the stress of being a working mother and that I didn’t need the money anyway because my parents were loaded.’
Adam bristled. ‘Prince of a guy.’
‘True enough. I didn’t quit, and Chris and I argued. And then one day, the father of one of my youngest clients got out of jail, immediately hunted down his wife and child, and beat them senseless. The child died and I fell apart. My parents weren’t home and Alex was working – she’s an ER nurse – and I needed a shoulder. So I told Chris. He wasn’t happy with me.’
Adam could feel a growl start at the base of his throat. ‘What did he do?’
‘He said if I wouldn’t quit my job, he was walking. That I was being selfish to keep heaping sadness on his head. That his job was too stressful to be burdened with other people’s issues. He wasn’t that nice about it, actually. I refused and he slammed the door on the way out.’
‘He was looking for a reason to leave.’
‘I know that now, but then . . . I was so upset. I actually found a razor. I wasn’t going to attempt suicide again, but I was thinking about cutting. I sat there for hours, just looking at that razor. And then I started to bleed and it had nothing to do with the razor.’
‘You miscarried.’
‘I did.’
‘Did you have anyone to call?’
‘Wendi,’ she said fondly. ‘We’d worked together on a few cases. She was a friend. She took me to an ER that wasn’t Alex’s and called Papa, because she’d met him. Papa called my father and he and Mom dropped everything to come home. Gran had found the razor when she went to get me fresh clothes and she’d told Papa and my parents. They were all worried that I’d try to harm myself again.’
‘But the razor was like the pill,’ he said, his voice raw because his chest hurt too much to breathe. ‘You just wanted to show yourself that you wouldn’t.’
She went very still again, then nodded, rubbing her cheek against his chest. ‘Nobody got that. Not then and not since. Not until you.’
Hearing that loosened the tightness in his chest enough to let him draw a harsh breath. ‘But you didn’t harm yourself.’
‘No. Although I really wanted to later, because Mom and Dad should never have come when they did. There was a storm. But they were so worried about me. They felt so guilty about missing my depression for so long . . .’
He was unsurprised when his chest grew wet with her tears. ‘Their plane crashed,’ he said, able to at least say the words so that she wouldn’t have to.
‘Yes. It was not quick and they did suffer.’
His throat closed on a wave of grief. And anger. ‘Who told you that?’
‘The state trooper who came by my house later that night to give me the news.’
‘Sonofabitch,’ he muttered, unable to stop the curse.
‘Yeah. That’s why when you and Trip lied to Kyle about Tiffany not suffering? I was so on board with that. It wasn’t something that I needed to hear when I was in shock and grieving. So, that’s the story. Christmas is difficult.’
‘Yeah, I can see that.’ He kissed her hair. ‘What happened to the douchebag?’