Have children with.
I couldn’t look away.
I started to read.
Chase,
I love you. I want you to know that if you’re reading this, it means something went wrong.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I know how lame that sounds.
I know how arrogant it sounds, and I’m the one writing it.
I thought… I thought I could do a job on the side, help the Petrov family, they needed to get shipments in the country, and I knew a way to do it.
Things were fine for the first two months.
I rarely saw them.
And then, Andrei started calling on me or my guys for odd jobs, he paid well, so they did them, and I allowed it.
I got in too deep.
And when I realized what he was actually doing, not just moving drugs but illegal weapons, and a sex ring I still have no information on. I decided to start gathering intel, just in case I’d need a way out.
He manipulated me.
So I tried to manipulate him right back.
It backfired.
He found out.
Destroyed most of the evidence I had.
And owned me.
He owned me, Chase.
It was my arrogance.
It was never planned betrayal.
And then he offered me another out — a way to go back to you, a way to forget everything.
El.
I’m ashamed to admit I took it.
I didn’t know her. She was just another target.
And in the grand scheme of things. You were my reason for living, you and the family we were trying to build, the life we had, our future.
Obviously, that didn’t work out since she just left here with Dante.
I saw his face when I got up from the dinner table.
He loves her.
And he should.
There is no way out, Chase.
I’m writing this because I see no way out other than to leave you, to protect you, to protect the rest of the families.
Please forgive me.
Forgive me for not being enough.
Forgive me for not being stronger.
Forgive me for not telling you how much I love you every second of every day. Forgive me for being a coward.
Forgive me for not being worthy of the Abandonato name.
The white horse… the one you’ve been searching for, the one Phoenix refuses to let you have? It’s been right in front of you this entire time.
I glanced up, my eyes frantic, then looked back down.
I constantly moved it, it was like a game. I wanted you to find it, but I also felt like as long as it was watching over us — everything would be okay. Look on my dresser, in my jewelry box.
It’s not very big.
But it means everything to me.
Because it’s part of our story.
And I hope that one day, you’ll find someone who can help you continue it. One day, you’ll find someone who isn’t constantly competing or in your shadow, but someone who allows you to protect them, to give them the love they deserve.
I never deserved you.
I took you anyway.
I’ll never be sorry for those moments in your arms.
But I’d rather burn in Hell then steal the smile from your face, the laughter from your heart.
Please live.
Please.
And know. I love you.
And will love you.
Forever.
—Emiliana De Lange Abandonato
I read the letter twice.
As tears rolled down my face onto her handwriting.
And with slow steps, I made my way to the dresser.
The white horse was exactly where she’d said it would be. I clutched it in my hand, my body convulsed.
With a cry I fell to my knees, still holding it, still wishing it was magic that could bring her back.
Wishing it was me who was dead.
Not her.
Not the woman I loved.
Not the woman who’d risked it all — and lost.
I held the horse out on my palm and vowed.
I would never be the same.
Never.
And I would hold onto my resentment, until it turned into anger, until it burned and fueled the hate.
Because I didn’t want to feel.
Not anymore.
I stood and shoved the white horse into my pocket.
Another knock sounded.
Trace let herself in, closing the door behind her.
She walked directly into my arms.
“I wish I would have married you instead,” I confessed. “Maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so fucking bad.”
“Because you never loved me the way you loved her.” She cupped my face and brushed a kiss across my cheek. “It hurts because you loved her.”
“It hurts because she broke my fucking heart,” I rasped.
It was minutes.
Hours.
Days.
I wasn’t sure.
Finally, Trace left.
And I stared up at the ceiling, clutching a white horse in my right hand, and a bottle of whiskey in my left, wondering.
When I would ever feel okay again?
EPILOGUE
Dante
“HOW DOES IT feel?” I held out a carrot to the cow.
El frowned. “It’s not a horse.”
“Don’t cows eat vegetables?”
“And I’m the one that has to stay in college,” she muttered bitterly.
I pulled her into my arms and kissed her forehead while the cow reached for the carrot over my shoulder.
Trace jogged down to us. “Dinner’s ready and why are you trying to feed a cow a carrot?”
“It’s a vegetable.” I shrugged.
“Men,” Trace muttered, grabbing El’s hand and pulling her away from me.
I glanced up at the perfect porch.
A porch I never thought I’d see again.
Tex sat at the head of the table.
Frank on the other side.
And the rest of the bosses and their wives started passing around plates.
And then there was Chase.
Sitting in the corner.
Staring out into the field.
One week and he hadn’t spoken to anyone other than hello and goodbye.
Trace and Sergio got the most words out of him.
And it was tearing Nixon apart. To see his best friend so broken.
I rubbed a bruise on my cheek, and winced at the contact.
I let him beat the shit out of me for seven days straight and then tapped out and shoved Nixon into the ring.
I’d never seen so much anger in another human being. I thought I was the King of anger.
And then this happened.
Chase wasn’t a man anymore.
It’s like my monster saw his loss and fed on his empty soul. I felt light.
And he went dark.
His eyes were dull.
His complexion pale all the time.
He looked like he spent his nights battling demons, and his days drinking them away.
El whistled me over.
I dropped the carrot and jogged to my family.
And when Chase still didn’t join, I grabbed him a plate and brought it over.
We sat.
And ate in silence.
At least he was eating.
“We sparring later?” I asked.
“You finally healed up enough to let me beat you to death again?” he mused, his lips twitching.
“Barely,” I grumbled. “It’s not exactly fair if you can’t fight back.”
He shrugged.
Nixon walked over and joined us. “I’ve been thinking.”
“Always dangerous.” Trace sat down followed by El until the entire family surrounded Chase on the ground with their food and drinks.
He didn’t seem to mind.
Maybe he just lacked the energy to get up on his feet and walk. Maybe his heart didn’t know how to pump the necessary blood to each organ anymore.