Aaron nods, then looks up into my eyes, his anger mostly replaced with the look that I've missed so much, the look that says he's here, and that he's focused on nothing but me. “Tell me. Tell me everything.”
There's an intensity in his eyes, and I feel that old familiar twinge inside me, and I clamp down on it tightly. I can't let it happen this time. “Well, you know the big point. I started feeling ill during my trip across country on my move. I took an extra few days to see my family. When I got to Lewis, they found out that I was pregnant. My CO was a little pissed when I didn't say who the father was, but they respected my choice. So Lance was born with the father's space left blank, and I've never told him. For the three years after he was born, I've been juggling being a soldier with being a mommy. Five thirty drop-offs for PT, swapping weekend duties around within the company or working deals with the neighbors to watch Lance when I couldn't do that. Picking him up in the evening, getting him home, and loving weekends and Sergeant's Time Thursdays when I could get off work with the sun still up.”
I don't mean to sound bitter, but it comes out that way, and I see Aaron ready to snap back when I finish, his voice still showing the hurt I inflicted on him. “Lindsey, I know it must have been hard on you all by yourself, but that wasn’t my choice. You didn’t give me that choice! I know why you did it, but I deserved to know.”
I squeeze his hand. “I didn’t mean to come off as bitter. You’re right. That was all on me. I’ve both looked forward to this day and dreaded it at the same time. I knew you deserved to know, but I was scared how you’d react. Not to mention Army regulations.”
He seems to ignore everything I said, and I think he’s trying to keep this conversation from getting heated. Maybe it's for the best. I don't want to yell at Aaron. The closest thing we've ever had to arguments were the first time we had sex and the night he found out I was enlisted. I don't want a third. “I noticed he has my eyes. Maybe my chin too,” Aaron says with a wistful smile. “I think that shocked me as much as seeing you with a little kid.”
“So what about you?” I ask, turning the conversation around. “I mean, I read your uniform, and you've got your diploma hanging in the living room. Nice piece of paper, by the way.”
“Just paper,” Aaron replies hollowly. “But after you left, I did Airborne. I got to be a platoon sergeant first semester, and I worked on the regimental staff second semester. It’s gone well in terms of work since then.”
“And how was the social life?” I ask, trying to be teasing but at the same time curious, but he isn’t amused.
Aaron doesn’t smile and has a serious look on his face. “I’ve kept my head down and focused on work. I dated a little, but nothing serious. I never found anyone right.”
I swallow, stopped by his honesty. I give his fingers a squeeze and try to just change the subject. “I lied to you for so long, and I did it only because I didn't want to break things off with you. I was lonely then, and I took advantage of you.”
Aaron shakes his head. “You never took advantage of me, Lindsey. If anything, I took advantage of you. Even after I found out, other than being a bit scared and pissed off that first time we talked about you being an enlisted, I never felt like we were doing anything other than being two people together. In fact, I was hoping that this, here and now, wouldn't be a one-time thing.”
“Aaron, think about what you’re saying,” I whisper, shaking my head. “Four years ago, we shouldn't have, and now even more, we can't. I told you about Lance because you do deserve that much, but to be part of our lives? What do you think is going to happen, that we're going to sneak off like we used to? That can't happen anymore, Aaron.”
He looks crestfallen, and he nods, swallowing. Looking around, he lets go of my hand and goes inside, me following him back into the kitchen area, where he speaks up again. “I know . . . and I'm not saying that, but Lance deserves more. I'd like a chance to get to know him. I'm not saying I have to be his father, at least, not yet. But . . .”
“What?” I ask, and I can see Aaron's wheels turning in his head. He's got an idea. More than his body, it was that look that I came to fall for, that constant whirring in his head that said he's seeing what he wants, and he's going to get it. Knowing that I'm what he wants is such a turn on it's scary. “Come on, I know that look, spill it.”