I squeezed my legs together beneath my desk, my nipples grazing against the lace of the bra with the movement. I hoped no one in the office saw me wince as I shifted in my chair. I could still feel the press of Ryder’s palm against my inner thighs, his hand wrapped around my hair, pulling my head back so he could graze his teeth on my neck. I was really sore. All over. I’d have been more than happy to have more of Ryder, despite the aftereffects. We’d barely stopped touching each other since the wedding six weeks ago—it was almost as if someone had set down an hourglass as we took our vows, and from then on it had been a race to fit in as much sex as we could before the last grain of sand fell and the marriage was over.
Not that I was complaining. I wanted Ryder as much as he seemed to want me. But then, maybe he always had a voracious appetite. I knew this wasn’t my default setting, that he’d awakened something primal and insatiable in me. But it wasn’t just physical. There was endless talking in the middle of the night. Even though we were exhausted, I had no desire to sleep and apparently, neither did he. When we weren’t making each other come, we were sharing our lives. We talked about his grandfather. His time in boarding school. The fact that his mother hadn’t been at the wedding and no one seemed to mention it. We talked about Violet and Max and why I’d spent so long in a job I didn’t like. I talked about how much I’d loved my husband and how devastated I’d been when he’d left.
Nothing was off limits.
Except for the feelings I didn’t want to acknowledge. I didn’t tell Ryder I no longer constantly thought of my ex. I didn’t mention that I was beginning to believe that life after the divorce could not just be bearable, but really good. Fun and full of things I’d never dreamed of.
And he never mentioned how we acted like newlyweds in every way despite the fact that our marriage was only true on paper.
“How are those numbers?” Cecily asked as she took a seat on the edge of my desk.
“Good, I’ll have November’s P&L by the end of the day. And I think it’s going to be ahead of budget.” I wiggled my mouse on the spreadsheet on my screen.
“Awesome. We should celebrate. Do you and Ryder want to come over to dinner this Saturday?” Of course I’d told Cecily of the arrangement Ryder and I had. She’d tried to talk me out of it at first but I was determined. This was my business as much as hers. And I wasn’t giving her anything. I would just replace her half of the loans with a loan of my own, on much more favorable terms than were currently in place. She’d eventually relented, understanding that I either married Ryder or we went bust.
I’d never accepted a social invitation for us both. I’d been to a couple of his work functions but our free time was mainly spent at his apartment, together and alone. “Sounds good.” I wasn’t sure if Ryder would want to hang out with my friends. I wasn’t sure it made sense in the context of our arrangements. Being together at a public business function helped legitimize our marriage and living together was a requirement. But a private dinner with friends was new territory. I wasn’t sure. “I’m free but I’m not sure about Ryder. I can ask him.”
There was nothing about the way we interacted, either in public or behind closed doors, that suggested we weren’t a couple. Ryder touched me constantly. He’d grabbed my ass on the croquet lawn in front of his entire family, for Christ’s sake. It would be interesting to see how he reacted—how far our arrangement went.
“Okay, let me know. How is shacking up together going?”
I couldn’t help but grin. Living with Ryder Westbury was definitely an adjustment. His apartment, situated in Tribeca, was nothing short of beautiful and big enough to get lost in.
“It’s different.” Before the wedding, I hadn’t realized how much living together was going to be a huge shift in my life—from the commute to having to be considerate of someone else when you left your dishes in the sink. “For both of us I think. We’re getting used to sharing space.”
It wasn’t that his company made me uncomfortable. It was just the opposite. But last night, he’d proudly led me into the guest room that he’d cleared out for me. To give me “my own space.” The crushing wave of disappointment had threatened to drown me until he’d kissed me. One thing had led to another, and as usual, we’d ended up fucking all night. Still, even the morning after, that damn guest room underlined the fact that we weren’t a couple—this wasn’t our apartment. It was his place and I was a glorified boarder.
We might act like a married couple, but ultimately, I had my own bedroom in his apartment. I had to remember that we weren’t really together. Great sex was simply the icing on top of our business arrangement. I was going to have to make an effort not to forget.
“Have you rented out your apartment?” Cecily asked.
I shrugged. “Not yet.” I’d had a couple of agents around about renting my apartment, but the more I thought about Ryder giving me that room yesterday, the more I wanted to hold on to it. I needed to retain the independence that it represented. I understood I couldn’t stay the night there. If anyone was keeping tabs on us, spending nights in separate apartments would give us away for sure. Having met Frederick, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had someone checking up on our situation back home. We’d pulled off the wedding, but Ryder had always been so vocal about not wanting to inherit. Such an abrupt change of heart was bound to cause suspicion in someone like Frederick.
“You don’t hate him though? I mean, it’s going okay?” Cecily asked.
“I don’t hate him at all. He’s been a perfect gentleman and his family is lovely.”
She crossed her arms. “A perfect gentleman? How disappointing. I’d hoped that maybe there’d be a spark between you. That it might turn into something.”
Hopefully the heat in my cheeks didn’t give me away. Cecily didn’t know we were sleeping together.
“He’s totally gorgeous. And as rich as God,” Cecily said.
And hung like a horse. And a devil between the sheets. And attentive and caring and funny. Urgh. I was going to have to work very hard to separate reality from whatever was going on with Ryder and me.
Cecily snapped her head up. “Speaking of . . .”
I followed her line of sight to find Ryder heading across the office, grinning at me. “I brought lunch,” he said as he reached my office and held up a brown paper bag.
I rolled my lips together, trying to stop myself from smiling.
“And a parcel.” He produced a package, just smaller than his hand.
“I’ll leave you two guys to your married bliss,” Cecily said, slipping off my desk.
“Hi,” I said as she left. “I was just thinking about you.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I wanted to suck them back in. I shouldn’t be saying shit like that to him. It sounded too intimate.
He handed me the package. “I’ve been thinking about you all morning, too.”
We both had to get better at separating real life from our arrangement. I knew myself well enough to know that I couldn’t withstand his compliments and lovely gestures along with the physical intimacy and still remain emotionally closed off.
“Will you shut the door?” I asked.
“Sounds good, does it lock?”