The Forensics detective she spoke with confirmed the files were there, and that they all had remained in alphabetical order, although there was no way of knowing who had had them or how they got back. There was no labeling, and they were trying to lift prints off the boxes, but so far there were none. Whoever had handled them wore gloves.
Nikki wasn’t certain which pained her more: to think that the written record of her most intimate thoughts and private confessions had been unaccounted for or that her file had been found and was now part of the investigative process, potentially available to be scrutinized by colleagues and detractors. She didn’t even want to imagine what Internal Affairs would do with it. Things had been said that she had only said because she had trusted them to be confidential. Forever.
She hadn’t come to that trust easily. But now she felt naive and stupid. And frankly, scared.
Nikki closed her door and asked if he would look to see if there was a file there under the name Heat. If it registered with the detective at all, he was too discreet to comment. She listened to the lid come off some boxes, heard tabs being riffled as he searched.
Lon King, PhD
Counseling Transcript
Session of Mar. 29/13 with Heat, N., Det. Grade-1, NYPD
LK: I’m surprised you came back. But glad.
NH: I told you I would.
LK: You keep your commitments, I do know that. But you became so agitated during our last session when we got to the subject of Rook. And your engagement.
NH: And I told you I was committed.
LK: There’s that word again. But it’s not like keeping an appointment, is it, Nikki?…Marriage.
NH: [Long pause] I love him.
LK: But?
NH: No but. [Longer pause] I think this should be our last session.
LK: That’s your choice, of course. But may I ask, is it because you have gotten what you needed here, or is this now taking you somewhere too painful to confront?
[Very long pause. NH stoic. Dabs eyes with tissue]
LK: Is it helpful if I speak? Good. It’s very important to know that it’s OK to have our feelings. Even ones we are not happy to have. So it leads me to ask, what is this feeling you’re having that you’re not happy to have?
NH: [Pause] I don’t know if I can say it.
LK: You know your are safe here, Nikki. Whatever you say here stays just between us. So. What are you feeling that is so troubling?
NH: That…[Long pause] I’m not sure I should marry Rook. [Pause for tears]
NH: It’s not that I don’t love him. I do. Completely.
LK: Completely?
NH: I just have so much in me that is…I had some time since our last session to think about why I’ve dug in so hard about keeping my own apartment. That’s not really about a connection to my mom.
LK: You can say it.
NH: I can’t let go of my independence.
LK: I know that’s not just a word to you, Nikki. Your independence is what got you through it all, isn’t it? It’s where you drew your strength. From yourself.
[NH nods]
LK: But fear of losing independence. That isn’t really a revelation. What if you did lose it?
NH: Let’s not.
LK: What are you afraid of?
NH: Why are you pushing me?
LK: I am driving you, Nikki. To go deeper. What are you afraid of? Just say it.
NH: I…I am afraid to be alone.
LK: Interesting. You want your independence because you fear being alone.
NH: Is that nuts?
LK: No. You have had to cope with so much loss. Your independence is your cocoon. It lets you be alone, but on your terms. It explains your sex-only relationship with the Navy SEAL before you met Rook. Sounding right?
[NH nods]
LK: I’d ask you to examine whether independence is a life goal, or a perception. As you’ve told me, Rook is quite independent himself, and he honors your independence. That’s what works—so you’ve said.
NH: I feel like, if I marry him, it’s the first step toward losing him.
LK: And if you don’t, you lose him anyway, but on your terms.