After three more attempts with all of the same results, I resorted to pulling my phone out of my scrub pants and tapping on the YouTube app. Yeah, I, Melody Marco, nurse of obstetrics and gynecology, was YouTubing “how to insert a menstrual cup.” I was a disgrace to my profession. But my hands were getting dry from washing the goddamn thing so many times, and eventually, they were going to start to miss me out there doing my actual job.
Five minutes’ worth of a tutorial later, I thought I was ready. Videos always make understanding things easier. It also helped with my mental readiness that Renee, the chick on the video, appeared quite fucking peppy and enthusiastic about her menstrual cup. If Renee loved her feminine oil filter so much, maybe I would too.
So, using Renee’s endorsement of “Everyone needs to switch to these! They make life so much easier!” for motivation, I grabbed the Goddess Cup and spread my legs like I was riding a horse.
You better not be fucking with me about this, Renee. More importantly, Marlene better not be fucking with me about the five hundred dollars. Christ, why hadn’t I considered that until now?
I made a quick mental note to call Betty when I wasn’t practically spread-eagled and shoving a menstrual cup up my vagina.
Luckily, things were going smoothly. Slowly, but surely, I had the Goddess Cup inside, and my fingers were easing it into the “settled” position.
Unfortunately, like a flip of a switch, things got real fucking ugly.
The cup slipped from my fingers a little and bam!
It popped open.
I mean, it popped the fuck open, before I’d gotten it settled.
Stars literally danced behind my eyes. Those little bastards were hand in hand doing the fucking mamba while an endless stream of curse words flew out of my mouth.
“Motherfuckinggoddammithelpme!”
Pain. Red-hot pain inside of my body. I feared I’d just killed my vagina for a measly five hundred bucks and I was never going to be able to have sex again.
What in the hell were they thinking when they made this?
I was half convinced the manufacturer was trying to kill women. Obviously, they weren’t, but holy cannoli, it was bad.
Seriously, if you think childbirth is painful, trying having a menstrual cup pop open inside of you before you get it settled.
Actually, don’t try it.
Just. Don’t.
Fucking Renee and her peppy attitude about her menstrual cup. Renee was a goddamn liar!
God, I had to find a way either to get this thing out or to get it to fucking settle. Whatever the hell that meant.
I stared down at my vagina with concern. “I’m so sorry I did that to you.”
She didn’t respond—after all, she was a few gasping breaths away from death—and I knew I had to woman up and get us out of this situation fast.
With my eyes closed shut, I reached my fingers back inside and nudged on the cup a little. Thank God, it moved with ease, and eventually, it found its way to the settled position.
How did I know it was in the right position?
Well, I no longer felt like a tiny elf had crawled inside of my vagina and was trying to physically remove it from my body.
Note to self: Never agree to test anything. Not even if they are offering you a million dollars. Don’t do it.
Once I got my clothes back on and washed my hands, I glanced down at the time on my phone and saw that it was now half past 11.
One hour.
A motherfucking hour?
Dear God. It had taken me a whole hour to put that goddamn menstrual cup in. How did women do it on a daily basis?
I had a hard enough time with tardiness at work as it was. If I used this stupid cup all the time, I’d probably have to just call off for an entire week. “Oh, hey, Will, it’s me. I won’t be in to work today. Well, actually, all week. I’ll be too busy inserting my menstrual cup.”
As I walked—well, hobbled—out of the bathroom, I set my focus on patient care. Lord knew, I didn’t even want to think about the fact that I was going to have to remove the menstrual cup at some point in the day.
Help. Me.
Luckily, after my hour-long bathroom break, the day had run smoothly. My vagina stopped hurting. Patients were on time. Will was in a good mood. Marlene wasn’t grumbling too much. And Melissa managed to do more than five minutes’ worth of work at reception.
This office of medical misfits was running like a well-oiled machine.
I peeked into Will’s office and found him with the phone pressed to his ear. “Your two o’clock is here,” I mouthed.
He covered the receiver with his hand. “I’m almost finished with this call.”
“I’ll bring the patient back, then, and get her ready. We’ll be in room eight.”
Will nodded, and I headed toward reception with the patient’s chart in my hand.
“Mable?” I asked toward the waiting room, and a petite, white-haired lady stood from her seat.
“That’s me.”
I smiled and helped her through the door and into the exam room.
“How are you feeling today, Mable?” I asked as I took her blood pressure.
“I can’t complain,” she said with a cute little grin.
“I’m glad to hear that. Is there anything important you would like to discuss with Dr. Cummings today?”
“No.” She shook her head. “Just here for my yearly exam.”
“Okay,” I responded as I finished up her assessment. “Everything looks and sounds good. Go ahead and get undressed and put on the paper gown. Dr. Cummings will be in in just a few minutes.”
I left Mable to change in privacy and walked toward one of the computer alcoves to chart her assessment, but when I tried to fire up the screen by clicking the mouse, nothing happened. Impatient, I tapped on a few keys. Still, nothing.
It was moments like this when you realized technology could be a real pain in the ass.
Knowing that the computer was most likely turned off or unplugged, I squatted toward the floor and started scanning the wires and monitor for an answer. The instant my fingers touched the top of the monitor, dust bunnies scattered through the air
Housekeeping had obviously missed a few corners.
I waved the dust out of the air and tried to set my focus on getting the computer to work, but the dust had officially reached my nose. It tingled and itched until, spontaneously, a sneeze left my nose before I could find a way to stop it.
And then, like a goddamn fountain, a rush of warmth slid down my legs.
Oh, God…
I glanced down at my pants, and my jaw dropped in utter mortification when all I could see was red. Dark, red stains covered my crotch, my thighs, and God only knew what else. At some point during the sneeze, the Goddess Cup had left the building, and as a result, the Red Sea had officially fucking parted.
Oh, fucking shit monkeys.
My eyes darted back and forth around the hallway for witnesses. When I noted that no one was near, I hopped out of my squatting position and sprinted toward the employee bathroom. Once the door was locked, I took a deep, controlled breath and stood in front of the mirror, staring at my reflection.
Jesus Christ on a baseball team, I looked like I’d been shot. My scrub pants were covered in period blood to the point of no return. Stain pens would weep at the sight of me. A gentle hand-wash of the affected area would mean taking the entirety of my pants and dunking them in a bucket of water.