My father and mother seem as determined to not look at me as I am to not look at them. Tension clogs the air, that hand gripping my throat the way it always does after more than five minutes with them. I reach to loosen my collar, but there isn’t one on my Ramones t-shirt. I’m choking from the inside.
“This is our first session.” Dr. Ramirez tucks a dark strand of hair behind one ear. “So we won’t go too deep today, but I would like to hear from each of you. Tell me what you hope to get out of this. Why you’re here. Rhyson, why don’t we start with you? Why are you here today?”
“My girlfriend made me come.”
Shit. I should at least try to sound less coerced. Well, cards on the table, I guess.
“What girlfriend?” My mother finally turns her eyes my way. “I thought you and Kai broke up.”
Like it’s your business.
I just stare back at her for a few seconds, not sure how to respect Kai’s wish for secrecy and still be honest. Before I can figure that out, my mother goes on.
“I saw her at Grady’s wedding.” She shrugs. “We talked briefly.”
Remembering how snooty my mother was to Kai at the hospital when my father had his heart attack, I immediately want to figure out how she may have insulted her. Dr. Ramirez doesn’t leave time for that, though.
“Why did your girlfriend . . .” She nods to my mother. “Ex-girlfriend want you to come, if you don’t mind sharing?”
I could brush this whole process off, just be a body in a comfy seat once a week, but Kai is trusting me to actually try. Her trust isn’t something I’ll ever take for granted again, so I’ll actually try.
“We had a big blow out.” I cross an ankle over my knee, shrugging though talking about my fight with Kai feels anything but casual. “I did something stupid that she felt . . . feels . . . might be connected to unresolved issues with my parents.”
Interest deepens in Dr. Ramirez’s eyes, raises both brows.
“May I ask what that was?” At my sharp glance up she back-pedals a little. “If you don’t mind sharing. If you don’t want to . . .”
What the hell.
“She’s in the business, like me.” I give my parents a cursory glance before going on, realizing just how exposed my confession will leave me. How bad it could make me look. “She had an opportunity I didn’t feel good about, and I went behind her back to convince them to pass her over.”
“To pass Kai over?” my mother asks, a small frown between her neatly arched brows.
“Yeah.”
“Why did you do that, Rhyson?” Dr. Ramirez leans forward until her elbows rest on her knees, eyes intent.
“Because I love her.” I swallow hard, wishing I hadn’t started this. Already wishing I’d held more back.
“You love her so you went behind her back to deny her an opportunity?”
Well, when you put it that way, it sounds ridiculous.
“Maybe not my brightest moment,” I admit. “But at the time, it seemed like the best thing.”
“The best thing?” Dr. Ramirez presses.
“For her. She’s new to all of this and doesn’t know the pitfalls like I do.” I hold Dr. Ramirez’s eyes, hoping she’ll see past my asshole actions to my intentions. “I just wanted what was best for her. Honestly. That’s the only reason I did that.”
“And she didn’t agree?” Dr. Ramirez asks.
“No, she thought it was controlling and manipulative.” A hoarse laugh barges past my lips. “She might have a point. She thinks control and love get mixed up for me because of everything that happened with my parents.”
I don’t bother looking at them. My mother, whose hackles I feel rising from across the room, or my father, who’s been pretty much on mute the whole time. I look at the counselor. I need her to tell me Kai is wrong. I need her to tell me what I feel isn’t some tainted thing I inherited from my parents because it’s the purest thing I’ve ever felt. And if this isn’t even clean, isn’t good, I hold very little hope for myself to ever be any different from the two people sitting across from me.
And that scares the hell out of me.
“Mrs. Gray,” Dr. Ramirez says. “Let’s hear from you. What are you hoping to get out of these sessions? Why are you here?”
My mother clears her throat and studies her hands before glancing at Dr. Ramirez and letting her eyes drift to me.
“Well, I have wanted this kind of opportunity for years to make Rhyson understand why we handled things the way we did.” The eyes I see every morning when I face myself in the mirror look back at me. “That we only wanted what was best for him.”
“So giving me your Xanax when I was twelve,” I say, old anger snipping my words. “And once I was obviously addicted, telling me we’d consider rehab after I met my tour obligations, that was best for me, Mother?”
A weighty silence overpowers the room, and Dr. Ramirez’s wide eyes skitter between my mother and me. That isn’t public knowledge. That never came out in court when I emancipated. It was only Grady’s threat to expose it that convinced my parents to drop the fight and let me go.