“No.” I say it too quickly, and Jess is silent. “I mean—let’s just go somewhere where nobody will know us. Do you know someplace more out of the way that your security detail won’t have a problem with?”
When Jessica speaks again, I can hear the smile in her voice right over the phone. “Of course I do. I’ll come by at eight and pick you up.”
“Great.” My shoulders sag in relief. At least I won’t be alone tonight, even if I am staring at a lifetime of loneliness.
“And Care?”
“Yeah?”
“Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.”
“I hope so.” That’s all I can say.
The silence lingers between us for a few moments.
“I’ll see you at eight,” says Jess gently, and then the call is disconnected.
I’m completely disoriented. What time is it, even? It can’t be later than, what, five-thirty?
I’m stunned to find out that it’s just past six o’clock. My five-minute breakdown must have lasted much longer than five minutes. I’d always considered myself a pretty accurate judge of time, but my brain fell apart when Ace left.
What’s he doing now? Is he up in his penthouse?
If I go up there right now, can I fix what happened? Can I make everything right between us? Let him know that I understand now that none of this—none of it—has been worth it if it means losing him?
You’ve already lost him, I tell myself sternly, and I try to straighten my shoulders, but they feel too heavy.
There are several thing I need to do right now, and none of them include falling into a heap on the floor and sobbing until my chest feels empty. So, as much as the floor beckons to me, I resist.
I’m meeting my friend in less than two hours.
I struggle with turning the shower on for almost thirty seconds before remembering that the knob goes the other way. What the hell is happening to me? Another man walks out of my life and I turn into this?
I’ve been really good at getting over men. I’ve had to be. Because my adulthood has been nothing but a string of men coming into my life and walking straight back out again.
But Ace—Ace is different.
Ace made me want to be near him whenever he walked into a room. Ace was irresistible, and it wasn’t just because of his body.
“Stop,” I say out loud over the rush of the shower. “Stop.”
I’m torturing myself needlessly, because if there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that Ace is never—never—coming back to me.
I stand on the chilly bathroom tiles and strip off my clothes, letting that action sink in, and all it does is deepen the hole in my heart until it’s nothing less than a pit of despair.
I practice a smile.
Then another.
My face feels frozen in grief and I feel hollow and lifeless, but Jess will be coming, and I can’t look like a complete freak if we’re going to go out—even if everything is crumbling down around me. Even if the whole world is on fire.
I step into the shower and let the hot water flow down over every inch of my skin. I stay in there until I can’t stand it anymore, and then I step out, unconsciously towel myself off, and finally muster up enough strength to blast my hair with the hair dryer, brushing and straightening until it’s gleaming perfection. Makeup. A dress that makes me ooze sex appeal. Shoes.
I go through the motions.
When Jess knocks on the door just after eight, I’m ready to face the world.
At least on the outside.
Chapter 38
Ace
In the elevator on the way to the penthouse, I have to brace myself on the wall to keep from tumbling over, from being sick all over the floor.
Carolyn twisted the knife, then she twisted it again. She pretended to love me, and then she yanked it away just when I was reaching out. To top it all off, she let me fall to my knees in front of her and then kicked me when I was down.
Until Elisa, I had no idea that people could be so cruel, so thoughtless, so selfish. And I was cruel and thoughtless and selfish myself. Only I didn’t see it that way.
Love changed me.
And now another bout of misplaced love has made it absolutely fucking clear how worthless it is.
I was sure when Elisa died that I’d never feel anything for anyone again, but even on the flight home, I could feel the barriers around my heart starting to crack, starting to break away from the numbness. Elisa loved life. She was devastated when they gave her the diagnosis, but she never stopped appreciating the people and things she had around her. For fuck’s sake, she spent most of her last days comforting me.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get you out of here,” I’d sobbed into her shoulder, late one night when all the nurses were gone. I fucking hated crying in front of her. I haven’t cried in front of anyone since then, and I don’t think I ever will.
“You tried your best,” she said, leveraging all her strength to lift an arm and put it on my shoulder, her fingers brushing my cheek. “My father’s not the easiest man.”
He was a complete douchebag who tried his best to get me thrown out of the hospital on her last day. I never thought I’d meet someone more conniving, more cutthroat, than that man.