I wasn’t sure what I expected Paul to do or say. What could he really do or say? Stories like mine sucked dick. They’re sad and it’s hard to spin it with a bright side, which was what everyone wanted to do when they heard a heartbreaking story like mine. I had no expectation of him. He could have said nothing. I wouldn’t have taken it personally. After all, we weren’t really friends. He owed me nothing. So when he approached me and encircled me in his arms, I was shocked. So shocked in fact, I let my arms hang limply at my sides as he squeezed me.
“The way a hug works,” he began, his chin resting on the top of my head, “is both parties wrap their arms around the other. See how I’m doing it?”
I rolled my eyes where he couldn’t see. And slowly, I wrapped my arms around him, too. A second later, I melted into the hug, burying my face into his chest. I couldn’t recall when the last time I’d been hugged was. Like, really hugged. Paul and I may have shared some awkward, lightning-quick one-armed hugs, but nothing like this. Probably when Ally and Vanessa left to head back to Texas months ago was the last time I’d been really hugged. Wow. I was pathetic. I realized that. And alone. So, so alone.
Pushing away from Paul, I wiped under my eyes. I wasn’t crying. I was tougher back then. But my eyes were a little moist. “Thanks for the ride, Paul. Sorry I ruined your night.”
“You didn’t,” he assured me. Liar. But I let him slide on it. “You want me to make some dinner?” He looked around my kitchen for signs of food that could be cooked, which there was none, so he didn’t look long.
“I really appreciate it, Paul. But I think I just want to be alone now.”
“Oh, uh, sure,” he sputtered, shaking his head. “Right.” I walked him out onto the porch and we said good-bye. He climbed in his truck and was gone in a flash.
When I went back inside, I stood at my counter, munching on dry toast as I scanned the separation papers. Kurt was pressing me. He’d offered me way less than half of our assets. My lawyer was ready to pounce him for such an insult. Now, his new tactic—he would seek a payment for the skydiving business. I’d inherited it while we were still married and he claimed he was entitled to part of its value. He was going all out.
In our last conversation, Kurt had informed me that he’d ‘made me.’ He told me if it wasn’t for him, I’d have nothing. Apparently I owed him everything.
Not going to lie. That hurt. To have my contribution belittled was like a kick to my face. I’d walked beside this man while he’d pursued his dreams and ambitions. I’d loved him even when he was insensitive, selfishly putting himself first. Maybe I wasn’t perfect, but I’d loved him and gave him my all. I was loyal, and there is no one on this earth that would have fought for or beside him more than me.
No one.
Not even Daisy, the future mother of his unborn child.
There in those few pages was the end of my marriage. Summed up and written in cold, unfeeling terms and sentences. Not a trace of the love, laughter, joy, tears, and contentment we’d shared was included. Now it was broken down by numbers and the legalities of who got what. I felt so jaded. I felt robbed. I’d given so much to this man and this was how it ended, so callously?
When I was a child, my grandmother, who’d raised me, told me sometimes the best way to get something out is to write it down. Sometimes words poured from our fingertips in a way they couldn’t from our mouths. I was pained in that moment, and I needed to get it out. I’d purged my body in the physical sense that day, now I needed to purge my feelings. Grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, I sat at my kitchen table, the one Paul made for me, and wrote my heartache on it.
Today has been a bad day.
Today, my parents died twenty-five years ago.
Today, Marcus acted like a gigantic dick face.
Today, Kurt took another step away from me, from our life together.
I think I miss him.
I shouldn’t.
Maybe I just miss us—who I thought we were.
He’s a bad person. I know this. Maybe not entirely bad, but mostly bad. He tossed me aside. Don’t I deserve better? Did I not love hard enough? Did I not give enough? I think I did. I really do.
I’ve made peace with my parents passing. Being that I was so young makes it a little easier to bear.
But Kurt is a fresh wound.
I need to let him go. But hearts don’t work like light switches; they don’t just flick on and off. They swell rapidly with love and bleed out slowly with pain.
I should be stronger. I should be able to shut myself down to his memory. But I’m not strong enough yet.
They say the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference. I hate him. I hate him so much I feel it seeping out of my pores, toxifying everything around me.
I don’t want him back. I don’t. Not who he is now. I want my life back. I want the safety I felt in my marriage back. I want the days where we held hands and dreamed a millions dreams together back when I believed him when he said I was his forever. When he told me no one could take my place. I want that man back. I want that type of love in my life.
But he’s gone.
And now, given his cruelty and seemingly unfeeling actions, I have to wonder . . . was he ever really there? Was it all a fa?ade? Was I a fool the whole time seeing only what I wanted to see?
I want to be happy.
I want forever.
I want . . .
I want a baby.