I know I should be celebrating, except I can’t help but blame myself. With the emotions Roxanne has unlocked in me…for her, it comes with guilt. If we hadn’t taken her, she would have never been tortured and almost killed. She’s still limping, her toes, ribs, and fingers hurting her when she thinks we don’t notice. I’ve been making sure she takes her pain relievers, but she got hurt because of me.
Not to mention my brothers, who even now are still healing. They almost died because I wasn’t smart enough to see this coming. My father was right, I will never be good enough to lead.
Knocking back the scotch, I turn to the windows around the conference room. I don’t know why I came here, only that it felt right. I’m too dark, too angry and confused to be with anyone tonight, even my love. She would try to save me from it, and I can’t have that. My failures are mine, and I have to learn from them.
I need to do better in the future to keep them all safe. I need to see the looming threats to protect them. Which is why I hired more guards and the treaty with the Petrovs is officially in effect. It took a lot of negotiating, but they are a good, strong family to have our backs.
It might keep my family safe. I knew this life might kill us all when I entered it, I welcome it gladly, but now with Roxxane here, I wonder if I made the right decision. She would be just as happy living in a shitty apartment and working at the bar every night, she doesn’t need money or power.
Just us.
As if summoned by my dark, turbulent thoughts, I spot her in the reflection in the window. Turning, I meet her gaze. She’s framed in the doorway, wearing nothing but one of our shirts. “Go to bed, love, it’s late,” I tell her, but my voice is trembling, so I turn away, my hands shaking again. Why does she have this effect on me?
I never worried like this before. Never second-guessed my every decision, wondering if she would agree if it was right. Fuck, I even keep going through my past and everything I have done, all the demons that hide there, pondering if she would be disgusted by the man she shares her bed with if she knew.
“Come with me,” she murmurs.
“Not tonight, love.”
I hear her sigh before her arms wrap around me from behind. “You don’t have to suffer alone, Ry. I’m here, your brothers are here. I know the weight you carry, trying to save us all, but that isn’t your job, okay? I don’t need you to save me. I need you to stand with me, to lean on me so I can lean on you. You don’t always have to be perfect, cold, and calculating. It’s okay to break every now and again, but don’t do it alone.”
I don’t reply, and she kicks my chair around and gets in my face, her own contorted in anger now. “Fucking talk to me, Ryder. Don’t shut me out. Don’t be that asshole, or I swear you will lose me. You want to protect us? Fine, you want to wallow in self-pity? Fine, but do not dare freeze me out, not now, not ever.”
With a roar, I’m up and in her face in an instant, my hand around her neck. “No? Would you rather I took it out on you? Hit you? Hurt you? Because that’s what will happen if you keep pushing, Roxanne. I am him, after all.” I push her away in disgust, not at her but at me, knowing if I don’t, I could actually hurt her. His blood runs through my veins, and it was a day like this where he used to take it out on my mum.
I feel it too.
The need to forget, to hurt someone so I feel stronger, less out of control. To control her and her actions so that all these…these fucking emotions and turmoil goes away again. I’m a monster like him.
And it’s my biggest fear that I would hurt her, because I love her.
And my love? It comes with barbs.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
ROXY
“You want to hurt me? Fine, do it if it helps. I can take it,” I snap, sick of this bullshit. Just when I think I’m getting close, he pulls away again, only offering me the pieces of him he wants to, shielding the others. I’m done with it.
He slams his hands onto the window, his head pressing to the glass. “Get out,” he orders.
“No,” I reply calmly, crossing my arms. “Not until you get all this shit out in the open. You’re worried about hurting me? Because of your father? Right? Or maybe you’re just blaming yourself for everything that’s happened.” I snort when he flinches. “I know you, Ryder, probably better than you think. You will run through every goddamn detail, blaming yourself, thinking you could have prevented it, but, baby? Sometimes shit just happens, and guess what? I don’t blame you, and your brothers don’t either. Because of you, we are alive and together. Shit happens, Ryder, you have to deal with it and move on. If you get trapped in the past, you will never be free of its ghosts.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and I think I’ve pushed him too far, but when his voice comes out, it’s small and scared. “It’s my job to protect you all.”
Dropping my arms, I head over and press my head against his back, wrapping my arms about his trembling body. “Yes, and no. It’s our job to protect each other. We all knew what we were getting into, Ryder. This life isn’t easy. If it was, everyone would do it, but stop trying to take all the weight for yourself. A Viper needs balance, you need your brothers and me.”
He turns, and I’m pushed back. His eyes are wild, his mouth is pursed in a snarl, his body is shaking, and his fists are clenched. He looks magnificent and fucking terrifying. “And when I can’t? What if I let you all help me? What if I let it all out and I’m just like him?” he screams.
“Like your father?” I ask.
He looks away, jaw grinding. “He was a bastard, Roxxane, a true fucking bastard. He-he hurt my mother and me and Kenzo.” He shakes his head, seeming to deflate as he watches me. “What if I hurt you?”
“Then I’ll kill you.” I laugh, and he glares at me. “Ry, you can’t hurt me unless I let you. I’m sorry, but I’m not your mother, I’m a fighter. I survived my father, I survived D and Garrett, I can survive your demons. I would never let you hurt me more than I wanted to, and neither would the others. You are so scared of being him, you’re stopping yourself from being you.”
He swallows, his eyes searching mine. “I killed him.”
I blink at that. “Okay?”
He laughs, a self-deprecating sound. “You’re not even surprised.”
“That you killed a man who hurt your mother and brother?” I snort. “No, Ryder, I’m not surprised. I wish you had done it sooner.”
He grins, but it soon deflates, and he sits back down, his body heavy as if he’s tired. “Kenzo tried to,” he admits, his voice laced with pain and guilt. How long has he been holding onto this? “I’d killed before, my father made me, shaping me into his enforcer. I did it to protect Kenzo, because I knew if I didn’t, then he would make my brother. But I couldn’t protect him forever, and even though I tried to shield him from that life, he walked into it anyway to save me from my dad. He saw what it was doing to me and hated it. He took my gun one night when I was asleep, went to the hotel—”