“That the best story is shown. Not told.” He grinned. “I could’ve told you that. I’ve been practicing that for years.”
He was right. It both delighted and annoyed me to no end. I wanted to make a difference, to be seen as more than I was. All this time, I had been so caught up in what the Otherworld thought. I had lost so much time trying to push my thoughts and self onto them, but it made no difference because they were just words without meaning. If I made the Dharma Raja see the world differently, then he let me see myself differently. I was enough unto myself. I would not let myself be held back by what anyone thought. And that was what I wanted to coax into life with these dream wells. I wanted someone to look inside of them and see something else. It was different from dream fruit because it knew it had no desire to last beyond the veil of sleep. It was simply an idea. A nudge.
“You could have advised me from the beginning to show more and tell less.”
He arched an eyebrow. “Would you have listened?”
“I would’ve very convincingly pretended.”
He laughed. And I caught his laugh in a kiss.
*
A week before Teej, Nritti and I sat side by side—as we always had—our feet scraping at the bottom of the river, toes digging into the bank in search of gold. Ever since I stopped going to the Night Bazaar, she would find me here in the red hours between sunset and true night. Sometimes, Vanaj would come with her and then the three of us would play shatranj—Nritti and Vanaj on one side, me on the other. Most of the time I lost, but I felt like I was winning every time Nritti laughed or grinned. Today, she was doing both, even though Vanaj could not visit with her this dusk.
“You’re glowing with love,” I teased. “It’s beginning to hurt my eyes.”
She laughed, and the bells strung through her braid shook with mirth. “There’s that viper tongue. I was wondering where it went. You’re so … kind around Vanaj.”
“It’s only for your sake. I had to provide one wonderful thing about you. Me. There’s not much reason to like you, what with your horrific looks and grating voice.”
Nritti gracefully fluttered her hand. “You are most merciful.”
“And beautiful,” I added.
“And beautiful.”
“And charming.”
“Let’s not get carried away.”
I laughed. “So. Where is your smitten lover?”
Nritti blushed.
“There’s something I want to show you,” she said, hesitantly. She drew out a delicate golden necklace strung together with black beads. I breathed in sharply. A mangala sutra. It was the piece of jewelry that defined a married woman. “We pledged ourselves to one another in the gandharva tradition. He went to ask Lord Indra if he could take me away from the court.”
I think she knew all that I couldn’t say because she reached for my hand. As always, I was struck by our differences. Already, the red of sunset had begun to peel back … revealing rose-tinted smoke sky and rain-cloud skin. Hers was the sun as seen through water, an Otherworld dream of gold and light. But our differences were only in looks. I felt her heartbeat pulse against my skin. And I knew that no matter what changes would come, we would always be sisters.
“I’m not leaving you,” she whispered.
“I would never stop you.” And I meant it. Nritti may not have believed in me the way the Dharma Raja did, but she loved me and she supported me the best way that she knew how.
“I will always send word. I will visit often. I will sing your praises to the stars and back.”
I laughed, but my throat felt tight with tears. “Oh, please don’t sing. Has Vanaj heard your voice? He’s already blind, Nritti.”
She held my hand a little tighter. “Besides, you will have someone to pass your days with.” She looked at me slyly. “And your nights.”
My cheeks heated beneath her gaze. I had told her a little about the Dharma Raja and his visits. But she had never met him, and I had never divulged his identity. With Teej approaching, I couldn’t help but think of Nritti’s original advice. What did he want from me?
I had been courted before, but no one had gone to such lengths to know me. No one had dared me to dream of more for myself. No one filled me with dreams of my own. I’d come close to telling him on many nights, but couldn’t. I hadn’t forgotten that he had asked for a bond without love. Every time I imagined his rejection, my heart stuttered.
“He has never said he loves me,” I said quietly.
“But you think he does?”
I nodded.
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t know.”
“When you are with him, what do you see?”
I closed my eyes, thinking of his presence. He was the burning thing in my heart, a caught flame that challenged and inspired me. He was the winged thing in my soul, something carrying my dreams aloft and freeing me from the ground. He was the nightmare of night, the tragic ending to a love story, the shadow over the cremation ground. My memories summoned him—night and smoke, embers and wings. I would not have him any other way.
Nritti’s voice fell to a hush. “You see, sister? That is your answer.”
Some insipid voice at the back of my head whispered to me anyway. And in its echoes, all I heard were my doubts. My fears. Vanaj had already given Nritti a mangala sutra. He had declared his love and married her in the manner of the gandharvas. Whereas the Dharma Raja had never once offered me that commitment. He had never once said that he loved me. But he gave you the moon for your throne and a garden unlike any in all the realms. He gave you stars for your hair and offered his heart in his palm.
I felt Nritti’s hand smooth the hair away from my face.
“Sister. You are courageous and clever, creative and compassionate. But your doubts will ruin you if you let them. Choose happiness. Choose love.”
Soon after, she left. And it was just me and the yawning sky and the pale stars shuffling sleepily into place. There was only one week left until Teej. All this time, he had yet to name what this was. The Dharma Raja had stated his intentions ages ago, but intentions change. Change was the only thing that could be counted upon. I knew that better than most.
For hours, I stood in the glass garden. Touching the tips of the crystal flowers and palming the diamond-paned jasmine vines. Every cool brush of the glass reminded me that what I felt was real. When I touched the glass, something crystallized within me. I loved him. I knew that now. And I wasn’t going to wait around for him to tell me that’s how he felt too.
Tonight I would tell him. I prepared the grove, arranged my hair. I waited, my heart full to bursting, my mouth brimming with all things I wanted to say. Needed to say.
But he never came.
8
DEATH