I can’t be sure.
I have no idea how to read men and since Carter is more of a closed book, he’s even harder to understand. He’s grumpy most of the time, but I get brief glimpses of happiness, and those are the moments I want to remember forever; they are the cherished moments I like to reflect on when I’m about to fall asleep.
Slowly I can feel myself changing, and not just from the clothes, but from the bravery I muster every day. A month ago, I wouldn’t have asked a boy to meet up. I would have cowered on my grams’s couch, popped in a musical, and called it a night. But a new me is emerging, and I’m growing in confidence every day.
And the best part about it? I really like new Daisy.
Since the meeting started already, I quietly let myself in to the church hall, spot my group, which consists of Carter, Hollyn, and Jace talking through an iPad. Earlier, I saw Hollyn walking into the meeting, looking less than thrilled to be here, which is concerning. I hope everything is okay with her.
The seat next to Carter is open, so I take the opportunity to sit down next to him. When we make eye contact, I give him a bright smile. In return, he gives me a curt nod. The move would worry me but when I see him look me up and down from the corner of my eye, my concern eases.
“I hope you all have your dream boards with you tonight,” Marleen says, directing the meeting once again. “These boards are supposed to depict where you want to be a few years from today, what you want to accomplish, what you want out of life.”
Oh boy, did I spend some good time on my dream board. This has been my favorite task since we started the program.
“In your groups, I want you to talk about your boards, really dig deep into your goals, and also talk about how you’ve been feeling the last few weeks. Do you feel a change? Are you still grieving? Are you still trying to let go? This is your support group, your peers who are invested in your change just as much as you are, so be open and honest with everyone. As for our next meeting, your challenge has more action. You are to learn something new. Now you can do this with each other or alone, it’s up to you. All I ask is that you bring some sort of memento from the experience to the next meeting so you can talk about it.” She sits on the table and clasps her hands together. “As always, write your letters before you leave. If you have any questions, I’ll be around.”
Chairs scrape against the cement, groups form, and light conversation fills the hall.
Per usual, my group is quiet to begin and it takes iPad Jace to start. “Hey guys, as you know, I’m in Arizona for spring training now, but I uh, I got some pretty shitty news the other day that I’m struggling with. Rebecca, Hope’s birth mom, has reentered the scene.”
“Oh gosh, really?” I ask, sitting up in my chair, wishing I didn’t have to talk to an electronic device.
“Yeah.” He runs his hand over his face and directs his gaze at Hollyn who is staring down at the folder she brought with her. “Apparently Rebecca wasn’t aware of the adoption when she signed the papers giving up her parental rights. She believed I would be taking care of Hope. Now she wants Hope back.”
“What?” I gasp, my heart aching for Jace and for Hope’s adoptive parents.
“She can’t fucking do that,” Carter says, speaking up. He shifts in his seat, sitting a little taller now, a look of frustration crossing his features.
“I met with my lawyers,” Jace says on a sigh. “They think she might have a case.”
“What?” Hollyn finally says, looking up from her folder but then quickly shying away.
“Yeah, it’s a fucking nightmare right now. June and Alex are beside themselves.” Jace pauses, trying to collect himself, his eyes rimmed with red. “I won’t be able to make it through this if Hope is taken away from June and Alex.” Growing angrier by the second, he says, “There was a reason I gave Hope up for adoption. I was trying to do the right thing by giving her a loving home with stable parents who will be there for her when she needs them the most. Why the fuck am I being punished for doing that?”
“You’re not being punished,” I say, wishing I could reach out and hold him. “Is there anyway you can speak with Rebecca?”
He shakes his head. “I’ve been trying, but she’s turned this into some lawyer battle now. I can’t seem to speak to her unless there’s a lawyer present.” With his head in his hand, he says, “I’m not looking for solutions, I just want you to know where I stand.” He clears his throat and then shows off a piece of paper with a few words on it. “I didn’t know what dream boards are, so I came up with a few goals for myself.” He turns the paper around so he can read it. “I’m going to be quick with this because I have to go. All right, I want to find peace with my decision. And one day, I want to be the birth father Hope deserves, strong and dependable.” He shrugs and folds his paper. “That’s all I can think of for now.” He looks distraught and tired, almost worse than the first time I met him. “Sorry for leaving early, I have some things to take care of.” Once again, he looks at Hollyn who’s eyes are averted elsewhere. He sighs and says, “You know how to reach me. Talk to you guys later.”
The FaceTime ends and the screen goes blank.
Feeling a little uncomfortable, I ask, “Who wants to go next?”
“I need to get out of here,” Hollyn says, scribbling something down on a paper in front of her.
“Oh, are you going to share your board with us?” I ask, wondering what’s going on.
Hollyn continues to write quickly. When I glance at her paper, I notice it’s her letter to Life. She really is trying to get out of here.
“I’m good.” She continues to write and I have no idea what to say. Our group is falling apart. Is this what friendships are like? Unpredictable, erratic at times? Makes me wonder. Are all of the other groups like ours? Or are we carrying heavier life happenings?
Glancing around the room, I take in all the divided little circles. Variations of dream boards are being shared ranging from poster boards to scrapbooks to lists for those who are less creative. Most seem to be talking about the boards on display, interacting with one another and truly sharing.
Then there is my group. Hollyn is packing up, a blank iPad sits across from me, and next to me is Carter, whose dream board is a cocktail napkin. How did I get stuck with the dud group?
“Okay, I’m out.” Hollyn starts to stand, but I stop her.
“What about my dream board? I worked really hard on it and was excited to share it with everyone.”
“I’m sure it’s really nice, Daisy, but—”
“Get up and I’ll tell Marleen you’re not taking this program seriously. Daisy made a dream board and wants to share it, so sit your ass down,” Carter chimes in, his face a mask of seriousness. Eyeing Hollyn, he says, “Go ahead, Daisy, show us your dream board.”