“Romance?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.
I blush. She knows I’m that girl who loves love. From the early musicals I’ve watched, to some of the I Love Lucy episodes I’ve fawned over, I’ve always enjoyed the love storylines. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy loses girl and then boy gets girl back with a grand gesture. I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be one of those girls, to experience a man fawning over them, doing anything possible to win their heart. Would he sing me a song like Gene Kelly in Singin’ in the Rain, would he propose to me out of the blue like in Meet Me in St. Louis, or would he get stupid drunk over my love like in There’s No Business like Show Business? Would it even happen for me?
Answering her question, I say, “Yes, there is romance in the movies. All innocent, nothing like the books and movies you speak of.”
“I’ll have to check out this Hallmark channel. We have cable here too.”
“You’ll love it.” Pausing for a second, I bite my bottom lip and say, “I also joined this program down at the church.”
“Program? Like volunteering?”
“No.” I shake my head, unsure how to approach this topic.
Why do I feel nervous telling her about Dear Life? Maybe because she’s one of the reasons I’m taking it. How do I tell her that I need to learn how to live in the real world without insulting her?
“Then what is it, dearie? It’s not some druggie thing, is it?”
“No.” I chuckle. “Believe me, I would never do anything like that. It’s a program called Dear Life.”
“Dear life? Sounds interesting. What’s it about?”
Taking a deep breath, I say, “It’s a program to help you learn how to live.”
Her brow furrows. “What do you mean?”
Nervously, I twist my hands on my lap, trying to find the right words. “Well, since I’ve been living with Amanda, I’ve realized there is a lot I don’t know. It’s kind of a culture shock since they live so differently from the way I did. I’m sure you experienced the same shock when you moved into community living.”
Her face lightens, understanding crosses her features. “Yes, it was quite startling at first, but I’ve adjusted.”
“So you understand where I’m coming from. There is so much going on in the world I had no idea about. It’s quite overwhelming. And to be honest, I’m not as outgoing as you. I would never be able to walk up to a group of women and ask to be in their book club, let alone discuss an erotic romance with others. I wish I was as brave as you.”
I don’t notice my face is cast down until Grams grips my chin and forces me to look her in the eyes. “You’re brave, dearie. You just have to find that bravery within you. So, is this program helping you find the new you?”
Slightly relieved, I nod. “Yeah, you could put it that way. So far I’ve attended one meeting, and I have the second tonight. That’s where I’m heading once I leave here.”
“That’s wonderful. Have you met anyone yet at these meetings? Made any friends?”
“Not really.” My lips quirk to the side in disappointment. “I actually think I’m in a dud group.”
“Why?”
Sitting back, I recollect my first meeting. “We were sectioned off into groups, based on where we were sitting. I happened to be sitting next to the guy who doesn’t want to be there, his archenemy who is a girl, and a man who barely looks like he’s surviving. I know we’re all at the meeting for a reason but none of them really want to share. It’s a little upsetting. I was hoping to be in a group who was jazzed about the program.”
“So it’s you, another girl, and two boys?” I confirm with a nod. “Are the boys cute?”
Instantly my face heats from her question. Are the boys cute? Well, they aren’t Donald O’Connor and Danny Kaye tapping their way into my heart, but they aren’t bad to look at either. Actually, they are very attractive. Jace, with his blond hair and built body has the all-American-boy look. A tortured all-American boy, but an all-American boy nonetheless. As for Carter, he is almost scary attractive. Dangerous with his jet-black hair, tattooed arms, and don’t mess with me attitude. He intimidates me on every level. I wouldn’t want to be on his bad side.
“By your silence, I’m going to assume they’re attractive.”
Blushing feverously, I answer, “Well, they aren’t bad looking.” That gets a laugh out of Grams. “Let’s not talk about how they look.” I try to change the subject quickly. “That’s besides the point. They don’t seem like the friendly type, any of them. And I don’t have enough confidence to force myself upon them and make them be my friend, so it’s slightly disappointing.” Would anyone in the meeting be on my wavelength? Am I too different to not fit in at all? It actually terrifies me to think that might be the case.
“Maybe they’re all going through something rough, something that’s tickling their soul with dread and worry. You never want to judge someone based on outward appearance. Give them time, dearie, you might just find true friendship in those damaged souls.”
That’s why I love my grams; she always knows how to say the right thing.
Exhaling a sigh of relief, I say, “I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Thanks, Grams.”
She waves her hand in front of her face, passing off my appreciation. “Anytime, dearie. Now,” she rubs her hands together and leans forward, like we are about to talk about something top secret, “tell me about the boys again.”
“Grams, what has gotten into you?” I giggle.
“Christian Grey, that’s who.” She winks and then shivers from the mere mention of his name.
Maybe I should pick up these books. They may help me find that same sparkle in my life, too.
HOLLYN
“Grief is hard, exposing yourself to it and therefore experiencing it even harder. I hope it helped you prepare to resolve what you are truly trying to free yourself from. It’s not easy, you know, to just let something go when there is no closure, when you have it looming over you, eating you alive with every breath you take. It’s not a light switch, something you can turn on and off anytime you want. Anyone experience that? How impossible it is to just stop thinking about it?”
From a show of hands, everyone in the room had a hard time grieving. Welcome to my world. Over a year and a half later and I’m still grieving the loss of Eric. I don’t think it will ever be something I will get over, maybe someday I might be able to breathe a little easier. So far, no such luck.
Marleen, our fearless yet slightly irritating leader, nods at the amount of hands raised. I glance over at Carter who is slouched in his seat, chewing on a piece of gum, popping bubbles, and looking less interested every minute. The conversation I had to sit through with his uncle, uh yeah, that was awkward.
Like really awkward.