I decide to ignore the call as I walk toward her, watching her talking to herself. I'm assuming my voicemail is picking up right about now, and as soon I step foot onto the curb, five feet from where she's standing, she'll begin her, "Emma, where are you?" message. "You're two minutes late, and I'm worried something may have happened. Please call me as soon as you get this."
"I'm right here, Mom," I tell her, smiling in hopes of erasing the angry look on her face.
"Oh," she says. "I was looking for you. You know lunch is at one."
"I was working with a client, Mom, and I'm only two minutes late," I remind her. I give her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before taking the few steps over to the door.
"I'm sorry, I'm just having a bad day," she says.
My heart sinks for a moment, going through the list of things that could be wrong for her to have the despondent expression I see tugging at her face. "What happened?"
"Nothing actually happened," she begins.
"Is Grams okay?" I ask. Ever since Grandpa passed away ten years ago, we have been taking turns checking up on her since she refuses to be "taken" from her house and "placed" in an assisted-living environment, or a morgue as she calls it.
"Yes, she is fine but just angry today, I guess."
"Why?"
Mom places her hand over her eyes and shakes her head. "I don't know, Emma. She's getting those palpitations in her chest again, and she's sure she's going to die today." Mom tends to be overdramatic at times, but Grams doesn't typically throw around the topic of death, so I can see why she is concerned.
"I'll go check on her after lunch, and I'll let you know when I find out she’s okay. That will put your mind at ease."
Acting as if I didn't say a word, Mom opens the door to Panera and walks inside. I totally understand that she can't handle the idea of Grams not being around, and I feel the same, but she's making herself sick with worry every day.
Mom silently takes her place at the back of the line, squinting her eyes at the menu before pulling her glasses out of her purse. "You always order the grilled chicken sandwich. Are you getting something new today?" I ask her.
"No, I'm just looking to see if they've added anything new to the menu."
"I don't think they have since last week," I tell her, trying to save her the time of scrutinizing each column. She removes her glasses, then slips them back into her bag and looks around at the few people waiting in line to order. "Emma," she whispers, "do you see him over there?" She's pointing toward the front of the line at a man working the register. Therefore, he must be single and available…unlike me, who is in a relationship. She'd like to pretend otherwise, however.
"No," I tell her. "Don't."
"He's cute, though," she says with a grin. I'm glad she's feeling better now, but it is at my expense.
"Please, stop it, Mom," I mutter without hiding my aggravation.
"I want grandchildren," she responds in a singsong voice.
"I'm only thirty-one," I argue. "I have plenty of time."
"I don’t want you to wait as long as I did, Emma. I feel like an old hen around you and I don’t like it. Plus, whether you like it or not, your clock is ticking, and you’re with the wrong man," she feels the need to add in.
"Do you really think I should get involved with a cashier at a fast food restaurant? I’m a career woman with some long-term goals, and memorizing the value meal numbers isn't one of them."
This is how lunch goes whenever I meet her during the week. I love Mom to death, and I enjoy spending the time with her, but we don't see eye-to-eye on my love life, my career, my lifestyle, or diet. As a matter of fact, sometimes I kind of feel like I'm on a different planet than she's on. "Mom, don't worry about me so much, okay? I'll figure things out."
"I'm always going to worry about you, Emma. You're my daughter. You're not happy, and it's obvious."
"I am happy," I lie, forcing a smile to try and end the conversation, but no one knows me better than she does. I'm like an open book to her.
"You're not living life to its fullest," she argues.
"Mom, Dad left you fifteen years ago, and you've been living alone ever since. How is that happiness? Are you living life to its fullest?"
"You are my happiness, Emma."
Sometimes the guilt is overwhelming, and I think she knows it.
The moment I slip back into my car, my phone buzzes in my bag, and I silently curse. Between work calls, Mom's calls, and Mike's calls, which have increased to an irritatingly excessive level as of late, I rarely have a moment to breathe. I pull out my phone and see Mike’s name on the display. I do not want to talk to him right now, but the calls will continue until I pick up, so I exhale heavily and answer.
"Hi," I say cordially, as I pull out of the parking lot.
"Do you have a minute?" he asks, then clears his throat. That’s what he does when he’s nervous about something.
"Sure," I tell him, though I don't want to hear what he plans to say. Sorry doesn't work for me anymore, and I'm worn out from the endless arguments.
"Em, I'm sorry for what I said last night," he begins, sounding nearly robotic, or like he’s on auto-repeat. I’ve heard the same spiel a million times now.
"Okay," I reply.
"What's going on with us?" he asks? The remorse in his voice deliberate, verging on the line of fake. Things are never about us, they’re about him.
"I don't think this is an issue between us, Mike."
"Why is it always me?" As usual, he immediately initiates an argument. What else could I possibly want to do at two in the afternoon during my lunch break?
"I wasn't the one who came home in a drunken rage last night," I remind him.
He grunts indignantly and says, "I wasn't drunk."
"I could smell the whiskey from across the room, Mike. Why do you lie about it? I've been very understanding of you going out several nights a week with your friends, even when you come home smelling like weed and perfume. I keep telling myself that you're just a little immature and you'll grow up eventually, but we’re in our thirties and I’m getting tired of waiting." My life consists of hopping from one Starbucks to another while seeking work-day scenery changes, meeting Mom for lunch, and checking on Grams, while I dread going home each night to the small, desolate house I share with Mike. "On top of that, the house is always a disaster with your socks tossed in every corner, dirty underwear and towels in the entryway of the hall bathroom, and empty pizza boxes stacked up on top of the full trash can—all strategically placed so I have something to clean when I get home at night." How can I see myself living like that forever?
"So, what, we’re breaking up for the fourth time this month?" he asks as if it doesn’t faze him. It doesn’t mean anything to Mike because I haven’t been able to keep my word when I tell him we’re done. The worst part is, he’s told me so many times before that I don't have the "balls" to leave him, reminding me I have nowhere to go and that being a freelance designer doesn’t offer me a dependable salary.
"I don't know if I can be with you," I tell him honestly. I don't love him like I thought I once did, and despite having to admit that Mom might be right, this isn't the life I want.
My current state of calmness is unusual for how I typically come off during one of our arguments, because I'm passionate about what I believe in, so I become overheated easily, but now, I feel nothing. "Fine, then move out. I don't care," he tells me.
That should have hurt me, but I still feel nothing. I don't know what to say, but I know this is the closest I've come to walking away from Mike. I just need to keep going without looking back this time. "I'll come get my stuff tonight," I tell him.
"Whatever," he says. "You'll be back tomorrow, telling me how much you love and need me. We've been through this crap a million times, Emma."
I pull into Grams's driveway knowing that I need to end this conversation with Mike before I go inside. Her feelings on Mike mimic Mom’s thoughts. "Are you going to be home tonight?" I ask him with a tone of finality to rush this along.
"I had plans to go out with the guys. Devin is leaving for a month sabbatical tomorrow, so we're having drinks."