Her brow furrowed, not understanding any of it. She’d awakened in a cage, Maksimov taunting her. He’d tortured her for days. And then she’d awakened on a plane with Hancock, who was taking her to ANE.
“Maksimov obviously had more than one mole planted in Bristow’s organization. We took out the one we were able to ferret out. And he would have reported Hancock losing his shit and killing Bristow when he tried to rape you. So he ambushed us instead of the other way around. We lost Mojo,” Conrad said painfully. “Viper and Cope were both badly injured and Hancock was shot twice. He nearly died and even then, Maksimov had to pry you from his grasp. Hancock called in every favor ever owed to him from an organization where much bad blood exists. We aren’t direct enemies, but neither are we allies. Hancock didn’t care. He had no pride when it came to you. He begged them to help him find and save you. He tortured himself endlessly, knowing you were in Maksimov’s hands, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. He blamed himself. He believes he betrayed you. That he failed you. Every single thing you believe of him, he believes it too. But he didn’t betray you, Honor. The mission was FUBAR. We lost much and yet he wouldn’t stand down when he desperately needed to be in a damn hospital.”
Honor shook her head in bewilderment. “I don’t understand.” It seemed it was all she was capable of saying. It was too much to take in, to have what she’d believed and grieved over for months change in seconds.
“He loves you, Honor,” Conrad said gently. “Hancock hasn’t ever loved anyone in his life except his foster family. He’s never been loved by anyone except his foster family. He’s never felt he deserved to be loved. He believes himself to be a monster. He believes himself to be worse than Maksimov. He’s dying with every passing day. He’s grieving, tormenting himself, loving you and yet knowing he’s not worthy of you, that he doesn’t deserve you. He let you down. He betrayed you. He allowed Maksimov to hurt you and he will never forgive himself for that.”
“Why are you telling me all this?” she whispered.
“Because I believe you’re hurting just as much as he is. I believe you love him as much as he loves you. I believe you’re both dying and that you’ve given up. And I know you’re the only one who can save him. I couldn’t allow you to believe what he wouldn’t even defend himself against, because he believes it all. That he betrayed you. Let you down. Hurt you. Manipulated you. Lied to you. But Honor, you didn’t see him when he told us the mission had changed. You didn’t see the determination in his eyes when he told us that you were the sole priority, that your safety took precedence above all else. He didn’t give one fuck about the mission or whether he was successful in taking Maksimov down. He tried to do the honorable thing and spare you but still take out a serious threat to thousands of innocent lives. And he lost everything as a result.”
Tears spilled down Honor’s cheeks and she hugged herself, rocking back and forth in the swing.
“Why didn’t he explain? On the plane. After he’d freed me from Maksimov. Why did he let me believe he was delivering me to ANE? Why didn’t he at least try?”
“Because you believed it. You weren’t there, Honor. You were a million miles away and you wouldn’t have heard a word he had to say. And it’s hard to defend or explain when you feel that you are guilty of every single sin you accused him of. He didn’t defend himself because he knew he was guilty of the crimes committed against you. And he loves you as much as he hates himself.”