I wasn't sure how to answer that question.
Every time I tried to tell myself I was finished with the Ringmaster, he did something that made my heart flutter. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be apart from him. The thought of him leaving had been what I was using to convince myself that we shouldn't be together but the argument was getting weaker in my mind. Instead of feeling confident in the reasoning, I was feeling depressed that I was going to lose him forever.
"Awkward silence, not a good sign," Joe said. "Ara mentioned some guy that broke her heart. I'm guessing that's you."
"We all do things we regret," Brenon said.
"Ah, the picture is coming into focus," Joe said.
"It's complicated, Joe," I said. "I don't think Brenon meant to hurt me."
"That's true," Brenon said. "If I could take it back, I would. Maybe if you let me apologize properly..."
"How would you apologize properly? What does that even mean? You tricked me. You changed my whole life. I thought it all made sense before I met you, now nothing makes sense. I don't even know who I am anymore." The words rushed out of me in a wave. It was everything I'd felt since I joined the Circus but couldn't communicate. It was all true. My life was never going to be the same again. No matter how much normal I forced upon myself, I'd never fit into that cookie-cutter anymore.
The sound of the tires on the pavement was the only sound inside the car. The air was thick with tension, and I regretted the words I'd spoken. If it weren't for him, my world probably would have still been turned upside-down by Terra. At least he'd kept me safe.
"Ara, I say this at the risk of my own well being," Joe said. "But have you considered the fact that you haven't really known who you were for years? I mean, I never pegged you as a math teacher. It didn't seem like it ignited any passion in you."
I glared at Joe. It didn't matter if he was right. "Aren't you supposed to be on my side?"
"She's right, Joe. I didn't go about things the right way," Brenon said.
"Listen, I'm on your side, Ara. But seriously, I could cut the fucking sexual tension with a knife."
I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it, not sure how to respond. Was Joe telling me I should be with Brenon? When did that shift happen? Had they bonded in the short time I was in the shower? Joe had seemed wary, even afraid of Brenon when I arrived with him and now he was encouraging him? "I think I'm done talking about this."
"Ara, I just don't want you to shut out someone you care about. I've seen you do it too many times over the years," Joe said.
"What are you talking about?"
"You don't let people in. You know that."
"I said I'm done talking about this." I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back against the seat. The last thing I needed right now was a lecture from my best friend that encouraged me to get together with a Fae king who was about to leave my world forever. Things between Brenon and me were confusing enough as it was without Joe getting involved.
"Ara knows I don't expect anything from her. But I also hope she knows that I'm sorry," Brenon said.
"I do know that, Brenon, and I believe you. I just don't know what to do about it, okay? Can we stop talking about it now?"
The rest of the drive into town was silent.
We pulled into a pump at the gas station, and while Joe filled up the tank, I found the pay phone. Brenon stood nearby while I dropped the quarter in to call Ryder. After three rings, he picked up and my spirits instantly lifted at the sound of his voice.
"Hey! How's everything going?" I asked.
"Good, survived my first blue-book exam. Feeling good about that," he said.
"When do you get the test back?" I asked.
"Sometime next week. But I'm pretty sure I aced it." He sounded happy, and blissfully unaware of the issues I was facing.
I let out a long breath without thinking.
"You okay, AB?"
"Oh yeah, I'm good. Actually, Joe and I are on a little road trip. Totally spontaneous. I'm at some random gas station in Kansas somewhere."
"What? Without a plan?" Ryder laughed. "Maybe that Circus was good for you. I'm glad you're loosening up, having some fun."
The words stung a little, reminding me of what Joe had said in the car. "Hey, Ry, do you think I shut people out?"
He was quiet for a moment. "Sometimes, but I know it's just because of what you've been through. I think you'll learn to trust people again someday. Why? Did you meet someone?"
"No, nothing like that, just something Joe said." I glanced over at Brenon. I could tell he was listening to every word. "Listen, I gotta go. Joe's done getting gas, and we're going to do some more driving today before we find a place to stay for the night."
"Have fun, AB."
"Thanks, you too." I hung up the phone. A feeling of relief mixed with wistfulness. It was nice to hear his voice, but I was still a bit concerned about his safety.
Turning to face Brenon, I had to ask, "you sure your people are keeping him safe, right?"
"Yes, Ara. He's well taken care of."
"What if something happens? What if Terra's wolves get past your people?" I asked.
"If anything happens to him, I will know within minutes." He reached for me, then pulled his hand back. A pang of regret shot through me. I wanted that touch, but I'd put an end to that during our car conversation.
Joe walked over to us. "Everything good?"
I nodded. "He sounded great."
"Awesome. I'm going to run in and grab a snack. You want anything?" Joe pointed to the gas station doors.
"I'm fine, thanks."
When Joe walked away, I turned my attention back to Brenon. "Hey, about what I said in the car."
"Don't worry, Ara. Sometimes things aren't fixable."
His words hit me like a punch in the gut. He turned away and headed toward the car. My breathing grew rapid as I watched him go. I couldn't let it end like this. If I didn't care so much, I wouldn't hurt this bad. Both Joe and Ryder had said I didn't let people in. That I didn't trust. Hadn't I said I trusted Brenon? He was the first person outside of those two that I'd trusted in years. "Wait."
I ran after him, grabbing his upper arm and pulling him toward me. "I don't want to lose you. I don't know how to handle this. None of it makes sense. I can't stop thinking about you, and even if I let you back in, I'm going to end up just losing you again when I open that gate."
My throat tightened, and tears pooled in my eyes. Brenon stared at me, face impassive. Why didn't he say something? I turned away, embarrassed that I'd made a scene.