Evelayn’s eyes widened as she thought of how far from the ground she was where she stood on one of the many turrets that soared above the castle. “They think I would … that I could possibly—”
“No!” Tanvir burst out, cutting her off. “By the Light, no. I only meant that they wanted to make sure you weren’t overcome by your grief, all alone up here. Your people care for you. They’re worried.”
“Oh.”
“Though that does bring up a good point. You are very exposed out here. If Lorcan assumed his bird form he could kill you before you even knew what had happened.”
Evelayn turned away, back to the wall that separated her from a fall that would spell certain death. He was right. But she couldn’t bear to face her room yet.
“If you insist on staying up here, may I join you?”
Evelayn shrugged.
He was silent as he drew up beside her, leaning forward to rest his forearms on the top of the bricks. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye to see him staring down at his hands. Tension limned the lines of his body, making the muscles of his back and shoulders bunch.
“Why couldn’t you sleep?” she finally asked.
He took a moment to respond, and when he did speak, his voice was soft. “Because I know what it’s like.”
Tanvir turned to look at her, a world of pain and grief darkening his amber eyes to burnt gold. She swallowed hard and tore her gaze from his to stare out into the darkness. She felt more than saw him straighten. When he took her shoulders in his hands and gently turned her to face him, she didn’t resist, even though she was afraid of losing her hard-fought control. She clenched her jaw as her eyes met his in the darkness, her sharpened eyesight allowing her to see him perfectly. He stood close enough that she could feel the heat from his body.
“Your Majesty—”
“Are we back to titles, then?”
“Evelayn,” he amended, his fingers tightening slightly on her shoulders, “you can’t hold it in like this forever. This morning I watched you lock away the pain and do what you felt was necessary to help your people. And I admire your strength of will,” he continued when she tried to cut in. “But you must know, it’s all right to cry. It’s all right to mourn.”
She shook her head, even as her eyes began to burn again. “I can’t,” she whispered.
They were silent for a long moment, staring at each other. And then Tanvir hesitantly lifted one hand, slowly moving it toward her face, watching her the whole time to see if she protested. When she didn’t, he tenderly tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his fingers brushing against her cheek. Evelayn shivered again, but this time, it wasn’t from the cold.
She didn’t miss the way his gaze flickered down to her lips and then quickly back up to her eyes. Something deep inside her belly tightened as a wash of heat cascaded through her. What was wrong with her? How could she possibly be feeling this right now, when her mother’s death was so raw, the pressure of what she had to accomplish to save her kingdom bearing down so heavily on her?
But the rebellious part of her—the part she worked hard to ignore, to push away, to run out of existence—wondered what would it be like to kiss him? Would she be able to lose herself in his touch, to bury her grief in something else, something she could barely understand other than as a need to step closer, to erase the space between them?
He wanted her. She understood that now—she finally recognized that scent for what it was. Which meant he knew she did, too. But did she dare?
His fingers still rested against her throat, just below her ear, but he hadn’t moved, had barely even breathed as her thoughts tumbled recklessly through should I or shouldn’t I. She swallowed and then took a small step forward, so that mere inches separated them. He was only a bit taller than she, so their eyes—and mouths—were almost on the same level. He searched her face, a muscle in his jaw ticking. He pushed his hand farther back, plunging his fingers into her hair, curling them around the back of her head. Her heart was a drum, thudding against her ribs. Her senses fired in every way possible—she was surrounded by him. Tanvir’s scent, his touch, his gaze, the heat from his body. And suddenly, her grief felt far, far away.
Yes, I do want this, she thought, willing him to understand. It’s working. It’s working.
And still he hesitated.
They were so close, it barely took any movement to lift her hands to his hips, to clutch his tunic, pulling him closer and then flattening them against his muscled stomach. He groaned, a deep, low growl in his throat.
“Evelayn.” Her name was a throaty plea. “I don’t want to do anything you’ll regret in the morning.”
“I won’t,” she whispered. Evelayn could almost feel his lips brushing hers as they spoke. His breath was warm on her face.
“You don’t know what you’re doing right now. You’ve had a terrible shock.”
“I’m not in shock.” Which wasn’t necessarily true, but it didn’t matter. “By the Light, Tanvir, I’m a queen now. Not some youngling who doesn’t know her own mind.”
He closed his eyes and lifted his face to the sky, taking a deep breath. “I want to, Ev. You know I do.”
“Then do it. It would be unbearably humiliating if I had to command you to give me my first kiss.”
He made a noise almost like a laugh except it was a barren, hopeless sound, his gaze dropping to hers once more. “Your first kiss? Oh, Ev. It can’t be like this. It can’t be tied to losing your mother. You will regret it. I promise you would. Maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but eventually you would resent me for allowing it to happen now. And I can’t stand having anything else for you to hold against me.”
Evelayn dropped her head and backed up, the blissful heat and desire ebbing out of her, leaving her cold and broken once more. Except for the warmth in her cheeks, where her embarrassment burned. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about. I don’t hold anything against you—I wouldn’t have held this against you, either.”
“That’s a relief to hear, especially after this morning. But I promise, there would come a day when you would have looked back and been angry that I kissed you the night your mother died.”
Evelayn turned away from him, wrapping her arms around herself once more. “Stop assuming that you know me so well.”
“Ev. Look at me.”
She felt him come up behind her, but he didn’t touch her.
“The last thing I wanted was to make things worse. You have to know that I care about you. That I … I …” He broke off, and she stiffened. “I don’t know what’s right anymore. I don’t know what to do.”
Tanvir sounded so forlorn, so upset, that Evelayn relented and turned to face him.
“If you truly cared for me, you would have known I needed you to be here for me tonight.”