I smile and breathe out a deep sigh of relief. My friend on the inside—I giggle when I think of Suzanne, Josh’s mom, as some sort of spy—told me that Josh had a couple parenting books hidden in his workout bag. One was especially for new dads coming into a ready-made family situation.
I could totally imagine Josh in all of his tattooed, bad boy hotness with an opened parenting book, trying to love us more.
“He loves us so much,” I say out loud.
I feel loved. I feel cherished.
That is maybe the most amazing feeling—to be cherished.
I know he cherishes Charlie too.
Oh my God, I’m so warm inside and just overflowing with emotions. And it’s so nice to be alone—to have had these few days all to myself—to enjoy Josh’s incredible gifts, to really be able to contemplate what’s happening and what everything means, quietly.
Music begins to play from my laptop.
He made me a playlist!
“Fight Song.”
“I LOVE this song!”
As Rachel Platten’s voice fills my ears and the music stirs in my soul, I jump up from the bed in excitement.
“MY BABY MADE ME A PLAYLIST!” I dance and move my body to the music with MMA moves that Josh has spent hours on end teaching me.
The chorus hits and I’m throwing punches through the air and swinging my hips. At first I’m lip syncing, then I’m singing softly, but by the second verse I’m rocking the full voice!
I jump onto the bed and dance up there, singing at the top of my lungs.
I don’t even have to worry about my neighbors, I think, giggling, as it’s only my bridesmaids.
That amazing bridge comes and I’ve got one hand in the air, banging my fist toward the ceiling. Ha! I could be filming a video!
When the song ends I fall down onto the bed, breathless and laughing.
Dear God, I adore that man!
I’m a new woman today! And he loves me for all that I am and all of who I am!
“And I love him back!”
The next song starts up—“Boom Clap”—Charli XCX! Back on my feet, I’m totally dirty dancing, thinking about his big, rough, calloused fighter’s hands stroking over every inch of my skin.
“Just one more night, Mr. North, and you are ALL mine!”
Three strong knocks blow against my door. “Are you okay, Sophie?”
It’s Britt. I start to the door.
“Oh, Josh.” I’m a helium balloon, floating away, and I ain’t never coming back down!
When I open the door and see Britt’s worried face, I can’t contain my laughter.
“What the—”
Before she can finish, I yank her into the room and start dancing with her.
“You’re crazy!” she exclaims. “You do know you have to be up in mere hours?”
“Yup!”
“Why are you dancing?”
Yeah, she’s not really keeping up with it all.
“Josh—he made this for me! It was in the magical, golden envelope!” I explain. “Each one I get is like receiving a unicorn!”
“Man, you got it bad.” She shakes her head with a grin.
“Oh yes I do!” I wiggle my ass to the tune while I sing—probably badly.
She lets go of my hands and checks on the laptop. “Oh my God! There are like twenty songs on this, and you have to go to sleep.”
“Yes, Mother,” I sass and stick my tongue out at her.
“Okay, Miss Insanity—”
“Mrs. Insanity!” I correct her.
“Soon enough,” she mumbles. “Jeesh, doesn’t the man know any slow songs?”
“Haha!”
That’s when a really swoony song by Rob Thomas comes on. It’s not fast-danceable.
”Now, lie down and go to sleep,” she coaxes.
I fall to the mattress and bounce back up a little before my body settles into a comfortable position.
“Would you come rest with me?” I can’t believe the words escape me. “I miss … my mother … or what a real mother would be to me at this moment—or maybe even a sister. Would you be my sister tonight?”
“Of course, Sophie.” Britt hugs me and we rest side-by-side on top of the bed.
A lump forms in my throat. “Thanks.”
“Hey, no crying—your eyes and face will get all puffy!”
“I’m not going to cry.” At least I don’t want to. But’s it’s ironic—I’m ultimately so amazingly happy—but at the same time I feel that sting and longing of wanting my own mother by my side at a time like this. Truth is, she checked out a long time ago. That was her choice. Now it’s my choice if I’m going to let it still damage me—if I’m going to let it ruin mine and Charlie’s future.
“You know, there’s a song on that playlist Josh made for you that’s really thoughtful, and I think it’s a must—right now.” Britt walks back over to my laptop.
“Jesus, I’ve been running and hiding since I was fourteen years old and now … It’s like I’m standing on the middle of a long, far-spanning bridge with my past on one side and my future on the other.”
Am I going to leave the past behind me? Can I?
The beat and lyrics of “Invincible” by Kelly Clarkson wash over me. I can’t help but smile at my future husband’s amazing sensitivity. I get the feeling he knows me better than I know myself.
“You’ll probably want to get back up and dance.” Britt laughs.