Of me. Of us.
I’d had my share of women like her in my life, the ones who liked to take a walk on the wild side and blame me for it afterward. They’d sit there and wonder how I’d made them forget their principles and how I’d convinced them to forget that I was a monster.
But I hadn’t thought she was one of them.
I’d given her plenty of chances to walk away, but she’d agreed to stay last night. She’d told me she wanted me. Last night, during her passionate response, as the chemistry bubbled between us, it felt like I’d finally found the place I belonged.
What an idiot.
I laughed, loud and hard, and tossed my keys on the table. “Yeah, of course not. Because that would make me a murderer. And good girls like you aren’t supposed to fuck murderers, are they?”
Her cheeks went red. “What? Last night has nothing to do with this!”
I laughed again, anger at this whole situation making me bitter. Heidi wasn’t doing anything to me that hadn’t been done to me thousands of times before. The fault was mine for allowing myself to believe she was different. “Yeah. Sure it’s not, darlin’. Keep telling yourself that, if that’s what it takes to make you feel better.”
Fisting her hands, she took a step toward me, her nostrils flared. “Stop being such a jackass.”
“Newsflash, darlin’,” I drawled. “I am a jackass. Always have been.”
She shook her head. “Not to me, you’re not.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I was trying to be nice to you, and look what that got me. With you on the verge of tears just because you fucked me last night.” I held my hands out to my sides. “We all know that it’s all fine and dandy to have a guy like me protecting you, but when it comes to the reality of what I do, you can’t handle it. And now you wish you’d never let me touch you. Admit it.”
She shoved my shoulders. “Don’t put words in my mouth. You have no idea what I’m thinking, or how I feel about you.”
“Ah, but I do. You’re just like the rest of them.” I caught her wrists and hauled her against my chest. She squirmed but didn’t break free. “You fool yourself into thinking that I’m this guy who is soft, caring, and horribly misunderstood. It’s why you let me fuck you. You saw the ‘good’ in me when it was convenient for you to do so. Now, in the light of day, it’s a lot harder to see, isn’t it?”
Heidi shook her head. I waited for her to tell me I was right. To tell me she regretted letting me have her last night. But instead, she tried to knock me right off my feet with her softly spoken “No. It’s not. I still see it.”
And, damn her, I was a breath away from believing her. I wanted to.
But I refused to let her in. I’d done so once, and it had given me a glimpse of what it would feel like if I did it again, and she later stabbed me in the back.
It had reminded me why I shouldn’t let anyone close. Anyone. “Whatever you say, sweetheart.” I smirked down at her, letting my defenses slip back into place. The ones I never should have let fall in the first place. “Guess you couldn’t resist the chance to get your rocks off, even if it was with a scumbag like me, right?”
She yanked free and stumbled back, her face bright red. Her bright blue eyes spit fire at me, and I swore I felt each lick of flames piercing my skin. “Fuck off, Lucky.”
I gritted my teeth at the annoying nickname. “Gladly.” I threw the door open. “Oh, by the way, I’m off to meet my brother. You better hope I don’t have to gun him down, or you’ll have slept with the king of the sinners. I’ll send you a text to let you know whether you need to shower a second time or not, to wash off my filthy touch.”
“Argh.” She made a frustrated sound. “God, you’re so . . . so . . . annoying.”
She threw a pillow at me. A fucking pillow. I caught it easily. “That’s what I should bring to the meeting. A pillow. It would solve everything. Maybe he just needs a good, long nap. He always used to get cranky as a kid when he missed one.”
She stalked across the room toward me with murder in her eyes, but I closed the door before she could reach me. Dropping the pillow on the stairs, I took them two at a time, needing to get away from her. She’d struck a nerve, and I didn’t know how to handle it just yet.
As I opened the door and stepped outside, I took a deep breath, welcoming the icy air in my lungs. It felt good. Much better than the weird sensation slicing through my chest. A weaker man might call it pain.
But I didn’t feel pain anymore.
I’d stopped years ago, after Ma died.
I dragged a hand down my face and scanned the sidewalk. I almost walked away, but the glint of sun reflecting off metal caught my attention at the last second. It came from the second-story window of the Laundromat next to Heidi’s bar. And I knew what that reflection meant all too well.
The door opened behind me.