“What do you mean? You asked for a second chance with me.”
“Yeah, not that I deserved it. Not after what I’d done to you.” He gave her a grim look. “You need to know the rest of the story. Why I walked out on you like that at Bagram.”
“What do you mean?” Sloan swallowed hard, staring at his set mouth, his eyes closed for a moment. There was such heaviness and grief surrounding him.
He reached over, placing one of his hands over hers. “Remember the crash investigation?”
“Yes.”
“There was a colonel who was the head of it,” he began wearily. “That man I told you about who had never liked me. It’s a long story, but when I was a new pilot in his squadron years before, I got into a verbal disagreement with him. He didn’t like it and told me that he was going to ruin my career. I was young and cocky. I told him to try.” Dan shrugged. “It wasn’t my finest moment. That’s why I got a transfer out of his squadron. But, he was good for his word. If I’d just kept my mouth shut…I was arrogant, Sloan. I brought this on myself. That’s what I didn’t tell you. I felt too ashamed to admit it to you.” Glancing at her, he saw her eyes go soft with sadness for him.
“Thanks for telling me. That helps me understand why it happened.”
Dan gave her a look of apology. “You were collateral damage, Sloan. You were the innocent lamb in all of this. The only thing I can blame you for is loving a bastard like me. When we came back from our scuba diving that afternoon? After our talk?”
“Y-yes…”
“I’d already decided to take you aside, tell you the whole truth. I had to come clean, with you. I was trying to time it for when things were quiet.” He rubbed his hands down his thighs, staring at the opened door to her bedroom.
“Young officers are sometimes cocky, Dan.”
“I had too much pride,” he rasped, watching grief come to her face. “And my pride impacted you. Look,” he muttered, “I need to leave your home. I’m not doing you any good as it is. You need time to get through your own healing after getting shot. You never knew the whole truth about me until just now.” Wearily, he added, “I’m like a bad penny who shows up in your life, and you suffer and pay for being around me. You always got the bad end of the deal with me.”
Dan slowly rose to his feet, standing close to her, his eyes filled with remorse. He knew leaving would be best even if she disagreed. “Look,” he said quietly, “I’ll call Tal. I’ll ask her to send a driver out here to pick me up and take me back to my condo.”
Her heart ripped wide open, and Sloan winced, her mouth compressing. Her feelings warred with her head. She saw the regret in his eyes as he looked down at her.
Dan reached out, lightly caressing her hair. “I’ll make this easy on you. I will leave no matter what you say. I think you need this time alone, to sort things out, regarding me…us. I am no knight in shining armor to you, baby. I’ve been a coward in hiding for four years. I’m older now, and I took to heart what we talked about out on that beach.”
“Oh, Dan,” she whispered, her voice anguished.
He dropped his hand, giving her an apologetic look. “I don’t know what love is. And having you in my arms again just now? I got it. I feel things for you I’ve never felt for another human being on this earth. I don’t know if it’s love or not. All I know is that I still want that chance with you and I damn well know I don’t ever deserve it. You never caused me pain. That’s all I’ve caused you, baby.” He barely grazed her cheek. “Take your time on this. I’m going to hold out hope you want that second chance with me. I’ll wait to hear from you. I feel we deserve this time to honestly sort everything out and start all over if you want—because I do.”
CHAPTER 18
The heaviness in Dan’s chest made him feel more lost than he had since he left Sloan’s two months ago. Christmas music played softly in the background, the small speakers sitting on his kitchen table. It was nearly five p.m. on Christmas Eve. He rubbed his chest, and sat back at his desk, scowling.
Sloan…
God, how he missed her. There wasn’t a day that went by where he didn’t yearn for her at his side. Shortly after he’d left, he’d found out from Tal that Sloan had left on another assignment. This time, to Ethiopia to protect a Delos home school charity in that country. There were rumblings that Zakir Sharan had targeted the small school on the outskirts of Debre Libanos, northeast of the capital.
In his nightmares, Sloan had been ambushed and shot, lying in the hot sands, bleeding out. She was calling his name, reaching for him, pleading for help. On these nights Dan always woke up in a sweat, unable to go back to sleep. He’d get up, put a call in to Artemis, and ask the person on duty whether they had heard from her. She was required to give daily reports to Artemis. And always, the duty officer on night shift told him she was fine.
Dan ached for her to return to him. How many times had he picked up the phone to call her or drafted an email, only to delete it later? He knew she had to sort out her life and decide whether it included him or not. Now he knew how Sloan felt when he’d abruptly walked out on her.
He felt miserable. Dan had been invited to Dilara and Robert’s home in Alexandria for their annual Christmas Eve party, but he didn’t have it in him to smile and pretend to enjoy himself. He called Dilara and told her he didn’t feel like coming this year. It was the truth; he just didn’t go into why.
The doorbell rang.
He scowled and sat up, turning his head toward the doorway to his office. Who could it be? Dan stood and padded to the front door, peering into the peephole. His heart dropped. Sloan! She was standing there, tired and looking serious. Heat bolted through him. Her brown hair was dusted with snowflakes, and longer than he remembered. She was darkly tanned from being on assignment. In her left hand, she held a large oval platter with aluminum foil wrapped over it.
Dan tried to gird himself emotionally. The way Sloan looked, it seemed like she was there to deliver bad news. The last thing she’d said to him before he left her house that day was that when she figured it all out, she’d see him. Well, here she was. His hand shook as he unlocked the door and pulled it open.
“Hey,” he said, “how are you?” It hurt to speak because of the lump in his throat.
“Hi,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. I didn’t know if you’d be home or not. I went over to Dilara and Robert’s for the party, but Tal told me you’d called earlier to say you didn’t feel up to coming tonight. She thought you might be under the weather.”
“I’ve been trying to be honest with everyone, and I didn’t want to lie to her. I’m feeling okay. I just didn’t feel like pretending to be happy when I wasn’t.”
Her eyes brightened with understanding. “Holidays aren’t always the happy time everyone thinks they are,” she agreed quietly. “May I come in?”
“Sure.” As she walked past him, he inhaled her scent. The snowflakes had melted, leaving damp spots on her loose, shining hair.
“Have you eaten yet?” he asked, closing the door.
“No. I…uh, I just got off a long flight from Ethiopia. I thought you might be at the party.”
“That’s a brutally long flight.” He held out his hand, and she gave him the foil-wrapped platter. Their fingers touched. Instantly, Dan wanted to haul her into his arms, but the unsureness in her red-rimmed eyes told him how uneasy she was in his presence. His heart felt so damned heavy in his chest he wanted to cry.
Sloan gestured to the plate he was holding. “Dilara found out I was coming over here, so she packed us some Christmas dinner. It probably needs to be warmed up in the microwave if you want to eat.”