Suddenly, all I could see was the young Flame from years ago, in that nuthouse, in the bed opposite my brother. And I could see his black eyes as he watched Vike and me break in, his stare as dead and still as his body as he lay in that damn bed. His frame was thin and his arms were tied down. He had about as much life as Devin had had. And when I’d seen him look at me, actually look into my eyes, I’d had to help him.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked. The brother froze. His gaze dropped to the ground, and his eyes moved from side to side, thinking over what I’d said. “I . . .” I didn’t know how to say it. “My head . . .” I breathed deep. “It’s . . . it’s fucked up right now.”
“We’re your brothers,” Flame said. I knew that was him asking why the fuck I’d turned on them. “You’re my . . . my . . . ” He was struggling with what to say. But I knew. I was his family, the one that got him here. And I’d never let him down before.
But by the ache in my gut, I knew I’d let him down now. I swore I never would. Especially not Flame. He didn’t know how to deal with that shit.
“Never again,” I promised. His tight face slackened with relief. I looked at Vike. “I fucked up.” Vike shook his head and walked to my side. He sat down beside me. Flame came and sat on my other side.
“I didn’t know you were into the bitch.” Vike stared straight across the clearing. “I wouldn’t have gone near her if I did. Thought you just wanted her safe.”
“I know,” I said, feeling completely drained of energy.
“She makes you different,” Flame said in his usual emotionless tone. “She makes you like you were before.” I winced, knowing that Flame only ever spoke the truth. I winced because I knew it was true.
“She reminds you of . . . all that, doesn’t she?” Vike said, not a note of humor in his voice.
“I never forgot it,” I said, admitting it for the first time. “Just managed to bury that shit deep enough that it didn’t show. It . . . it was always gonna resurface at some point.”
“You see it all when you’re with her?” Flame said.
“Yeah.” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I sighed and flicked my smoke to the floor. “I’m tired. I’m just so tired of never sleeping. Never closing my eyes because of the shit I see when I do. Of being unable to think of anything in my past because I can’t fucking deal . . .”
Vike gripped my shoulder and squeezed. I dropped my head so I didn’t break down like a pussy. “I’m gonna take her to the lodge,” I said. I felt Vike stiffen.
Flame hissed through his teeth. “No—”
“Yes,” I argued. “She needs to get away and get clean for good. She needs to deal with all her shit away from here. Even from her sister. I saw it her eyes. She’s fucking lost. And she won’t cope if she stays here.”
“You ain’t been back to that lodge since . . .” Vike said.
“I know. But it’s private and it will be good for her. Isolated.”
“We’re coming.” Flame went to move, no doubt to get Madds. I knew better than to reach out and pull him back.
“No,” I said. He turned back to me, his muscles tense. “I’m going alone.”
“But—”
“Flame. I am. This . . .” I shook my head. “Fuck, brother, I need it too. I . . .” I inhaled deeply. “I’m gonna break if I don’t. I . . . I can feel it happening again. I ain’t got the strength to stop it anymore.”
“I don’t like it,” he said roughly.
“I know.”
“When you going?” Vike asked.
“Now.” I pushed to my feet. The door to Maddie’s cabin opened, and Ash stepped out for a smoke. Immediately, his worried eyes fell on me. I flicked my chin and said, “Get the fuck here, kid.”
Ash made his way over, hands in his pockets. I put my hand on the back of his head and pulled him in. “I was a dick,” I said and kissed his head.
I let him go, and he looked up at me. “It’s all right.”
“It ain’t. I just lost it, kid. Shouldn’t have happened.” I glanced back at Flame and Vike. “I’m going away for a while. Look after the cabin for me, yeah?”
“Sure.” Ash paused, then asked, “For how long?”
“Don’t know. As long as I need to.”
I took the truck’s keys from my pocket and threw them at Ash. “Check the oil and shit for me, kid, would you? I’m leaving soon.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Ash walked away. “Tanner said something to me tonight,” I said to Vike and Flame. “Meister knows it was us. Or suspects it. Tanner thinks there could be shit coming to our door.”
“Fuck,” Vike said. He nodded. “We’ll look into it.”
I made my way back to my cabin to gather my shit and get Phebe. “I’ll catch you when we’re back.” In fifteen minutes I had my bag packed and in the truck. I went back to the bedroom, lifted Phebe up in my arms and carried her outside. I laid her down on the seat and got in the driver’s side. Vike and Flame came to my door.
“You call if you need us, yeah?” Vike said.
“Yeah.”
I nodded at Flame. I knew he wasn’t happy. Then I pulled away from the clearing, out of the compound and onto the road. I kept the music off as Phebe slept. Thirty minutes in, she shifted in her sleep, her hand spreading out to lie across my thigh. I looked down at her hand, at her fingers lying open. I didn’t know what the fuck came over me, but I moved one of my hands from the wheel and threaded my fingers through hers.
Her hands looked tiny and frail wrapped in mine. And for the first time in days, I took what felt like a real fucking breath.
And I gripped on to her as we drove closer to the lodge.
Where too many demons waited.
So I just fucking held on.
Chapter Thirteen
Phebe
I felt the weight of my eyelids before I even opened my eyes. It was hot, and my hair was sticking to my face. My cheek was stuck to whatever I was lying on. It smelled like leather.
I moaned as soon as I tried to move. My head ached and my temples throbbed. I lifted my hand to my head and rolled onto my back. I inhaled a sharp breath when that little bit of movement caused nausea to creep up my stomach. I tried to stay still, praying it would go. But I had no such luck.
Scrambling to my knees, I opened my eyes and winced at the sun creeping into . . . wherever I was. My hands fumbled around me, and I realized I was in a truck. My fingers found the lever of the door. I yanked it open and dropped my feet onto the dirt ground.
I had barely felt the warm, sticky air on my face when I had to curl over and expel whatever was in my stomach. I held on to my hair as I purged, my eyes watering. When the need to vomit had ebbed, I stood up on shaky feet. The world spun, and my head felt clammy. I closed my eyes to stop myself falling over. I rested my back against the side of the truck and concentrated on my breathing. The minute I did, I thought of her. My face scrunched up in agony. But I welcomed the pain that came. It was my punishment, my reward for letting her down . . .
“Where is she?” I asked Martha. My skin was still wet from my shower and it was late. Too late, really, but I had done well, and so Brother John had given me permission to seek her out. I had earned thirty minutes of uninterrupted time with her.
A rare gift.
“She is in her room,” Martha said, still dressed from the night’s mission.
“Thank you.” I walked down the hall.