I had to.
What was my life going to be like without her? Would I stay here in New York, go to work at a job I hated, go out with my friends and pretend all was well, act as if the past week was just a blip in my life?
No, I knew I couldn’t.
She’d gotten under my skin.
She was a part of me that I didn’t want to live without.
Selfishness aside, though, because my need for her was just that, selfish, she needed me to make the right decision.
And I knew letting her go—at least for now—was it.
The car moved forward and I could no longer see my reflection, but the image was still in my head. The fuck-up who made one bad decision after another. But today, I would change that cycle.
The light turned green and as if coming full circle, I didn’t move. I’d go after her and hope she’d forgive me, but first I had to take Tommy out of the picture and put that part of my life to rest. I didn’t know how I was going to do that, but I had a few ideas.
In order to do anything, I had to get back to Boston. I knew she’d be going there as well—we just couldn’t go together.
Sadly, I watched as she walked up the steps of the Met and sat down. I watched as she pulled her phone from her purse and made a call. And then as if I’d been sucker punched, I watched as she hailed a cab and it drove away.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can, baby,” I whispered.
I knew what she’d said, but I hoped I could end this fast and I more than hoped she’d take me back once I did.
I had to or else I might just crumble.
As it was, I stood here feeling emptier than I ever had in my life.
When I walked back to my building, all I could think about was her face—the hope in her eyes that I’d see things her way and the purse of her lips when I refused. I didn’t want to hurt her. I just couldn’t give in to her because every time I looked into those green eyes, all I saw was the blood and violence that I’d cause if I stayed in her life.
Once I was in my apartment, I was more determined than ever to bring this to an end. I sat thinking long and hard about the best way to keep Elle safe. Since killing Tommy was no longer an option, I needed some way to both undermine his leadership and sever his ties to the Blue Hill Gang, while at the same time making sure he was locked up for the rest of his natural-born life.
Undermining his authority meant the members of the gang would no longer respect him. I knew that would be easy to do. It wasn’t like they actually respected him anyway. Severing ties meant no one on the outside of his prison walls would give him the time of day, even if he tried to give them orders. That wouldn’t be as easy to do. Allegiance ran thick in the Blue Hill Gang. My grandfather had instilled that long ago but still, I believed it could be done. And putting Tommy away forever—well, that was a dream I hoped would come true.
The best starting point I had was Lizzy. If only I could find her, then I could figure out what she’d been up to. Find out what kind of relationship she had with Tommy. Who she worked with. Why she did what she did. I knew in my gut she was just the middleman. And I knew from watching the videotape at the hotel that Tommy was very involved, and not in the way he had told his old man. Whatever had gone down wasn’t a passing venture. That was the key to bringing Tommy down. Uncovering his involvement and exposing his lies.
What were Lizzy and Tommy up to?
What was their endgame?
How could I find out?
As if a light bulb had just clicked on, I knew where to start—at the top, and then tracing the steps all the way down.
I pulled out my phone and called someone I was hoping could help me get to the top. Help me find out who the source was. Even knowing this didn’t guarantee anything but it would be a start. One I hoped would open the can of worms.
The line picked up. “You son of a bitch!” James, my best friend for as long as I could remember, answered in his most typical fashion.
“Hey, man, long time no see.”
“Where the hell are you?”
I moved from the sofa to the window in the place I reluctantly called home. The place I never got to show to Elle. “I’m in the city.”
“Let’s get together.”
“I can’t. I’m headed back to Boston, but listen, I need your help.”
“Yeah, yeah, anything—you know that.”
My voice trailed off as I spoke because I knew he was going to jump to the wrong conclusion. “I need the name of someone in the inner circle who has Boston connections.”
“That’s easy enough. Off my head I can think of Theo Lake, Duncan Scott—”
I cut him off. “Who uses,” I added.
“Okay,” he dragged out the word, “but I have to ask, what for?”
“I’m hoping to find out who his supplier is.”