“No,” I said. “But I don’t know what else to do.” It was still weird, hanging with the Provost’s son—I’d despised him for so long. But I knew he hadn’t ratted me out about going to the Boundary yesterday, and this morning he’d been looking out for me, at Harrison’s house. It was still hard to believe that schmuck was dead. As soon as I had a minute to feel glad about it, I intended to.
Now it was dark, but we still had a couple of hours till curfew. I should be at home doing schoolwork—my grades had suffered since Becca had disappeared—but instead I was out here, preparing to break the law for the first time in my life.
“This is the only boundary road, right?” I asked quietly. “There’s not some secret entrance hidden somewhere that only the Outsiders know about?” I was pretty sure it was, but wanted to double-check. Before last week, I would have said I knew the cell like I knew my garden tools. Since then I’d found out that it had a lot of secrets.
“Yep,” Nathaniel said. “Our crew has been all over the Boundary. There’s one way into Cell B-97-4275, and one way out.”
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s go.”
We’d left our mopeds behind—even their small electric engines would make more noise than us walking. With Pa’s rifle over my shoulder, I followed Nathaniel through a hole in the barbed wire, about two hundred yards from the open boundary gate. Cellfolk are so used to following the rules that the Provost doesn’t even bother closing or guarding the gate.
“This way.” Nathaniel’s voice was very low. He stepped carefully over rocks and avoided the clumps of wild roses that made a thick and effective thorny barrier. There was a big ditch, a gully, about a hundred yards in, and he climbed down one side and offered me his hand. After a moment of internal back-and-forth, I took it. He motioned for me to go first up the other side, I guess to catch me if I fell. I scrambled up the boulders, my feet sliding only a bit, and then I was up and holding out a hand for him.
“You’ve been out here before.” I wasn’t asking.
“Yes. We’ve done as much exploring as we could.”
“What for? I mean, what’s the point of knowing people from other cells?”
Nathaniel paused for a minute, the moonlight making a sculpture of his face, his cheekbones. “There’s a bigger picture,” he said finally. “There’s a whole world. There are tens of thousands of other cells. And that’s just in the United! There are other Uniteds out there—where people speak different languages, where they look different. There are oceans—bigger than you could possibly imagine. Not just one ocean. Five of them. All of the United is on one landmass, one huge chunk of land. But there are six other enormous, gigantic chunks of land.”
We walked in silence for a bit while I tried to wrap my mind around this. Was he just making it up? Maybe. What if he wasn’t? What if there really were oceans and huge lands besides the United? What would that mean for me? For any of us?
“Your ma got taken for a mood-adjust,” he surprised me by saying.
My brows came together and I got ready to lash out at him.
“Mine did, too.”
That was the last thing I expected him to say, and I gaped at him. In the night shadows, he gave me a half smile. “But they brought her back.”
“Yeah,” I said in confusion. “I’ve seen her standing with your dad, like at speeches and stuff.”
“That’s not really her.” Nathaniel sounded wistful. “I mean, that’s her—her body. But her mind is different. Like she’s not even there. Sometimes she doesn’t know who I am, or where she is. During the day she sits in a chair, not speaking. Not doing anything.”
This was horrible. I’d had no idea. As much as I’d imagined what had happened to my ma, it had never crossed my mind that having her come back might be worse.
“I’m sorry,” I said, inadequately.
“Yeah,” he said. “Me, too.”
“My pa’s still alive,” I surprised myself by saying.
Nathaniel glanced at me. “I know.”
“They don’t think… they don’t think he’ll last much longer.” Why was I telling him this? I’d never even spoken to Steph about it.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I let out a breath, looking at my feet to avoid tripping on rocks and old roots. “I go see him, in the hospital. As often as I can. I tell him what I’m doing, just like it was normal and we were waiting for dinner.”
“Can he hear you?” Nathaniel’s voice was gentle.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. He never… reacts. But I still talk to him. Tell him to get better.” I shook my head. “It’s stupid, I guess.”
“He’s your pa,” Nate said. “It’s not stupid.” Then he stopped and squinted into the distance. Wordlessly he pointed, and far away, way down the boundary road, I saw it.
My truck.
45
WHEN I’D MENTIONED TONIGHT’S LITTLE excursion, I hadn’t expected Nathaniel to want to tag along. But he’d pointed out, to my annoyance, that he had much more experience exploring the Boundary.
Now, as we skirted the trees and made our way through the brush parallel to the boundary road, I was thankful I wasn’t out here alone.
When we got close to the truck, Nathaniel motioned for me to crouch down next to him.
“What are we waiting for?” I whispered.
“To see if it’s a trap,” he murmured matter-of-factly.
Again, a thought that hadn’t occurred to me. It was like I’d been living half asleep, and was now waking up to see how things really were.
“Come on,” he said at last, and we scurried over to my beloved truck. Which was totaled. As I took in all the damage, I had to keep swallowing so I wouldn’t cry. The passenger side was crunched in, and three of the four tires were shredded. The driver’s side door hung open, and the interior was already covered with a thick coating of red dust.
I gestured to the windshield. It was broken, and the point of impact was where the driver’s head would have been. Gingerly I brushed sand off the seat and eased myself in. The keys were in the ignition.
This was where Becca had sat, just a few days ago. I pictured her in my mind, speeding down this road, hair flying, whooping as she broke curfew, took my truck without permission, and pretended, just for a few minutes, that Ma and Pa were both sleeping safely back at home.
My throat closed up and my eyes got hot. Slowly I traced the steering wheel with my fingers, knowing I would give anything to meet Becca’s hand on the other side. Then I was crying silently, salty tears sliding down my face, my throat aching, my breaths coming in painful jerks.
Nathaniel reached in and took my arm, pulling me out gently. I stood against my ruined truck and sobbed as quietly as I could. My former enemy folded me into his arms and patted my back, one hand smoothing down my hair, not saying anything.
I’d been strong for so long. For years. Out here in the cool night air in the middle of forbidden territory, I let it go. Nathaniel’s shirt was damp by the time I hiccupped to a halt. Without speaking we turned to head back through the brush, and from there we made our way across the barren land, down into the gully, through the woods, and then through the barbed wire fence.