Joe had handed me a business card of a psychologist in Grand Junction, Dr. Melanie Carmichael. He didn’t know much about her other than she was supposed to be tops in her field and that she’d had a lot of success treating patients with histories similar to mine. He had even offered to go with me and to get Ryan and have him go as well. But no, this was something I had to do alone.
I called the number right away, and even though it was a Saturday, Dr. Carmichael agreed to meet me in her office.
I pulled up into the Heritage Medical Group offices and parked my car. She said she’d leave word with the security guard to let me in, since the doors were locked on weekends.
I stood at the door, my palms leaving sweat marks on the glass. Had this been a huge mistake? A security guard sat at his desk inside. I knocked on the door. The man looked up and came to the door.
“Mr. Steel?”
I nodded.
He opened the door and let me in. “Dr. C’s up on five, Suite 524. I’ll have to key in the elevator for you. They’re locked on weekends.”
I nodded again and followed him to the elevator. He keyed in a code.
“Good luck,” he said.
Good luck? I warmed all over. Of course, he knew what field Dr. Carmichael was in. This shouldn’t be a surprise to me. But I wanted to disappear.
As the elevator moved up five floors, I kept thinking of an excuse not to go and see Dr. Carmichael. I could go home and tell Jonah I’d gone. I could make up some kind of psychobabble jargon. He wouldn’t know the difference.
But this woman had been kind enough to come and open her office for me on a Saturday. Standing her up would be rude as hell. If I was truly going to try to change, this was the first step.
When the elevator dinged at the fifth floor, my feet became leaden. I felt like I was walking through sludge as I trudged to room 524. I walked in, but of course, there was no receptionist. It was Saturday. Where was the doctor? As I was looking around, thumbing through the magazines on the coffee table, a tall woman with strikingly light-blond hair and green eyes walked out from an adjacent room.
“You must be Mr. Steel,” she said.
I cleared my throat, my cheeks warming. “Yes, I’m Talon Steel.”
She smiled and held out her hand. “Dr. Melanie Carmichael. So nice to meet you. Would you like to come on back?”
I swallowed. In for a dozen… I followed her into her office. Her desk was in a corner, and the requisite couch sat against one wall. I was so not lying on the couch. A couple of recliners in forest-green leather sat around a marble coffee table. She sat down in one of them and motioned for me to take the other. Moving slowly, I did.
“So what can I help you with today, Mr. Steel?” She crossed her legs and smiled.
I sighed. Where did I begin? I didn’t have enough hours left in my lifetime to explain what had brought me in here, and most therapy sessions only lasted an hour. So I figured I’d start with what had prompted me to call.
“I beat the shit out of a guy today.”
She nodded. “I see. Why do you think you did that?”
Wasn’t she supposed to tell me why? “He was kissing my sister’s friend.”
“All right. And that kiss bothered you?”
I nodded.
“Why did it bother you so much? Is your sister’s friend your girlfriend?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t have girlfriends.”
“You don’t? Handsome man like you? Why not?”
“I’m just not wired that way, Doctor.”
“Wired that way? Do you mean you’re gay?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m not gay.” The whole gay line of questioning gave me a chill. I had never been attracted to men, yet…my history… I couldn’t go there. Not yet.
“Then why don’t you have girlfriends?”
“I just…don’t.”
“Okay. What types of relationships do you have with women, then?”
“Well, the only woman in my life right now is my sister, who lives with me. Other than that, the only kind of relationships I have with women are sexual.”
“So you’re a love ’em and leave ’em kind of guy, huh?”
“Yeah, I guess so. At least the leave ’em part.”
“You use women, then. Is that what you’re telling me?”
“Oh, for God’s sake. No, I don’t use them. They offer something to me, and I take it. What the hell is wrong with that? They’re getting what they want, and I’m getting what I want.”
“I’m not here to judge you, Mr. Steel.”
“Mr. Steel sounds ridiculous to me. Call me Talon.”
“All right, if you prefer. Talon. As I said, I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to help you. So let’s go back to why you beat up the man today. That appears to be the catalyst for bringing you in here, am I right?”
I nodded.
“Have you seen a therapist before?”
I shook my head. God knew Ryan and Jonah had been after me for a decade to see one. Instead, I went off to Iraq, hoping to get my brains blown out. No such luck.