God, was she beautiful. Mabry was the most splendid thing I’d ever laid eyes on in my entire life. I’d seen her in pictures, watching her grow up from day one. I had hundreds, maybe thousands of pictures of her and countless letters all sent via email by Rebecca. I’d insisted early on that she didn’t have to do that so often, but she told me I’d appreciate it someday. She’d assured me there would come a day when I would feel better about my decision, and I’d be forever grateful to have known she was placed in good hands and grew up happy and loved.
I struggled to breathe in Mabry’s presence and fought tooth and nail against the overwhelming sensation that flooded every ounce of me. She turned her face upward, flashing a grin at Rebecca, and while it was sweet, it also packed with it a realization that she would never, ever look at me like that.
“Mabry, this is Dakota,” Rebecca said, flashing a knowing look at Sam.
Mabry walked up to me and gave me a hug sweet like strawberry candy. “You smell nice. And you’re really pretty.”
We all laughed, as if the compliments of a little girl could dissolve the tension in the room just like that.
“You wanna see my room?” Mabry asked, her eyes sparkling against the late afternoon sun.
“Yes, baby, go show her your room,” Rebecca said. “We just finished painting it last weekend.”
Mabry took my hand and pulled me toward the stairs, squeezing it tight as she led me up to her room. A white canopy bed centered the room, surrounded by walls the color of pale sunshine. Millions of stuffed animals and baby dolls rested against a vintage quilt on her bed, and a dollhouse taller than her leaned against a wall in the corner. Watercolor paintings of rainbows and smiling, three-person families hung on the walls with pieces of Scotch tape and a chalkboard with an inspirational quote dashed across it hanging above a small white desk.
My entire childhood, I’d dreamed of having a room like hers.
Mabry pulled me from thing to thing, going into great detail about all sorts of random objects that seemed to mean a great deal to her.
This was her life, and it made me both happy and sad. All I ever wanted was for her to be loved and safe and to thrive. My biggest regret in life was that I couldn’t be the one to give her those things.
“So that’s my room,” she said a short while later, swinging her hips from side to side as she pulled on a strand of her dark hair.
“I love it, Mabry,” I smiled, taking a seat on her bed. I’d never said her name out loud like that before. It made her feel real, as if she only ever existed in my heart up until that moment. “You’re a very lucky little girl.”
She shrugged a shoulder and pursed her lips, the same way I always did when my mind flitted from one thing to another. “How do you know my parents?”
I wasn’t prepared for that question. “Your mom is my cousin.”
It seemed like the most neutral, honest answer I could come up with on the spot. I had no idea what Sam and Rebecca told her or if she even knew. As far as I was concerned, they were her parents and it was their choice one hundred percent to tell her about her past.
“It’s my birthday next month!” she said, suddenly growing excited. “You should come to my party!”
She clasped her hands together and hopped excitedly as she lunged at me, pulling me up from my spot on her bed.
“We’re going to have cake and ice cream and games and a bunch of kids from my school will be there,” she said. “Do you like cake?”
“Do tigers live in the jungle?” I teased. “Absolutely. Cake is my favorite food in the whole world.”
“So you’ll come?”
“I would love to be there,” I said, scanning my mental calendar for May 17th. The date was forever ingrained in my memory. We were fast approaching the ten-year anniversary of my last summer with Beau and the ten-year anniversary of the day I placed a living, breathing piece of my heart into the arms of Rebecca and Sam Valentine.
I couldn’t break a promise to her.
My daughter.
“We should go back downstairs,” I said, reaching out to take her soft little hand. It felt good to finally hold it.
“What’d you think?” Rebecca asked as she peeled potatoes over a garbage can, an embroidered apron cinched around her waist. “Mabry picked out the color.”
“Oh! The yellow. Yes. It’s lovely,” I said, realizing Mabry hadn’t let go of my hand for a single second since we left her room. “It’s very cheery.”
“Mabry, did you finish your homework?” Sam asked.
She twisted her toe into the ground before a devilish smirk captured her face. “Not yet, Dad…”
One look from Sam was all it took to send her skipping down the hall to finish her homework, and cool air kissed my palm the second our hands released. I missed her already – if that was even possible.
“Would you like any help?” I offered, eyeing the potato peelings as they fell on top of the trash.
“No, no,” Rebecca said. “Thank you though.”
I leaned in, preparing to lower my voice. “Mabry asked how we knew each other.”
I expected her to set the potato peeler down. I expected drama and tension and stopped hearts. I expected the moment to build into something the three of us had wondered about our entire lives.
But it didn’t.
Rebecca continued peeling the potatoes as her face softened. “She knows she’s adopted.”
“We made a promise to you, Dakota,” Sam said from the kitchen table as he set his newspaper down. “She’s going to know you. We want her to know you. And you should know her too – when the time is right for everyone. Rebecca’s her mother, but so are you.”
My heart ached with heaviness, as if my love for her was swelling to the surface after all those years. Deep and unbending, it’d been there all along; I just chose to ignore its power because acknowledging it made the hurt that much worse.
I never wanted to give her up.
“Anyway, look at Sam and me,” Rebecca laughed. “We couldn’t pass as her biological parents no matter how hard we tried.”
Sam batted his gossamer-thin eyelashes and Rebecca tucked her honey hair behind her ear, displaying how Mabry’s dark hair and blue eyes were a stark contrast against their fair features.
“She really seems to like you,” Rebecca said. “I’ve never seen her warm up to someone like that before. It was like you two had an instant connection.”
“Really?” I asked, unable to stop smiling. I blinked away tears at the realization that I’d missed out on the first ten years of her life all because I was afraid of facing one of the darkest moments of my own. “She invited me to her birthday party.”
“Did she?” Sam laughed. “You should come. We’d love that.”
“I heard Beau’s back in town.” Rebecca ran a colander full of peeled, chopped potatoes under the faucet before dropping them into a pot of boiling water on the stove. Her words held more weight than she realized, though I knew exactly what she was hinting at.
“I know,” I said. “I’m in town interviewing him for work. He’s retiring from music.”
“Sam, you want to go fire up the grill?” Rebecca asked cheerfully, sending Sam outside with a plate of marinated chicken she pulled from the refrigerator. The second he left, she turned back to me, her face wearing solemnity in a way I hadn’t seen on her before. “Does he know?”
“Who?”
“Beau. Does he know about Mabry?”
I bit my lip, leaning up against the marble island and holding my head in my hands. “No.”