She laughed when she said this, as if to signal that she knew perfectly well it would not be fun. She gave us a box of pastries and a bottle of rosé wine to take in the car in case we wanted to have a picnic. And she pressed Nick’s hand quickly when she thanked him.
The car had been sitting in the sun all morning and we had to roll the windows down before we could even get in. Inside it smelled like dust and heated plastic. I sat in the back and Bobbi leaned her little face out the passenger window like a terrier. Nick switched on the radio and Bobbi withdrew her face from the window and said, do you not have a CD player? Can we listen to music? Nick said: sure, okay. Bobbi started looking through the CDs then and saying whether she thought they were his or Melissa’s.
Who likes Animal Collective, you or Melissa? she said.
I think we both like them.
But who bought the CD?
I don’t remember, he said. You know, we share those things, I don’t remember whose is whose.
Bobbi glanced at me over the back of her seat. I ignored her.
Frances? she said. Did you know that Nick appeared on a Channel 4 documentary about gifted children in 1992?
I looked up at her then and said: what? Nick was already saying: where did you hear about that? Bobbi had taken one of the pastries out of the box, something with whipped cream on top, and she was spooning the cream into her mouth with an index finger.
Melissa told me, she said. Frances was also a gifted child so I thought she’d be interested. She wasn’t on any documentaries though. She also wasn’t alive in 1992.
I went downhill from then, he said. Why is Melissa telling you this stuff?
She looked up at him, sucking the whipped cream off her finger in a gesture that seemed more insolent than seductive.
She confides in me, she said.
I looked at Nick in the rear-view mirror, but he was watching the road.
I’m a big hit with her, said Bobbi. I’m not sure it’ll go anywhere though, I think she’s married.
Just to some actor, said Nick.
It took Bobbi three or four bites to finish the pastry. Then she put on the Animal Collective CD and turned the music up really loud. When we got to the home supplies store Bobbi and I just smoked in the car park while Nick went inside to get the deckchairs. He came back out carrying them under one arm, looking very masculine. I crushed my cigarette under the toe of my sandal while he opened the boot and said, I’m afraid this lake is going to be a major disappointment.
Twenty minutes later Nick parked the car and we all went down a little lane, surrounded by trees. The lake lay blue and flat, reflecting the sky. There wasn’t anyone else around. We sat on the grass by the water, in the shade of a willow tree, and ate cream pastries. Bobbi and I took turns drinking from the bottle of wine, which was warm and sweet.
Can you swim in it? Bobbi said. The lake.
Yeah, I think so, said Nick.
She stretched out her legs on the grass. She said she wanted to swim.
You don’t have your swimsuit, I said.
So? she said. There’s no one here anyway.
I’m here, I said.
Bobbi laughed at that. She threw back her head and laughed up into the trees. She was wearing a sleeveless cotton blouse, printed with tiny flowers, and her arms looked slender and dark in the shade. She started unbuttoning the blouse. Bobbi, I said. You’re not really.
He can take his shirt off, but I can’t? she said.
I threw up my hands. Nick coughed, like an amused little cough.
I actually wasn’t planning to take my shirt off, Nick said.
I’m going to be offended if you try to object, said Bobbi.
Frances is the one objecting, not me.
Oh, her, said Bobbi. She’ll live.
Then she left her clothes folded up on the grass and walked down to the lake. The muscles of her back moved smoothly under her skin, and in the glare of sunlight her tan lines were almost invisible, so she appeared whole and completely perfect. The only sound after that was the sound of her limbs moving through the water. It was very hot, and we had finished the pastries. The light had moved and we were no longer in the shade. I drank some more wine and looked out for Bobbi’s figure.
She’s literally shameless, I said. I wish I was more like that.
Nick and I were sitting quite close together, so that if I inclined my head I could touch it to his shoulder. The sunlight was inordinately bright. I closed my eyes and let strange patterns form behind my eyelids. The heat poured down over my hair and little insects purred in the undergrowth. I could smell the laundered scent of Nick’s clothing, and the orange-oil shower gel I had used when I stayed in his house.
That was awkward yesterday, he said. About the girl at the airport.
I tried to give a cute, impartial smile, but his tone made it hard for me to breathe evenly. It sounded like he had been waiting for an opportunity to speak to me alone, and immediately I was in his confidence again.
Some girls just like married men, I said.
He laughed, I heard him. I kept my eyes closed and let the red shapes in my eyelids unfold themselves like kaleidoscopes.
I said I didn’t think that was true, he said.
Loyal of you.
I was afraid you’d think they were being serious.
You didn’t like her? I said.
Louisa? Oh, you know. She was nice. I didn’t dream about her at night.
Nick had definitely never told me that he dreamed about me at night, or even that he especially liked me. In terms of verbal declarations, ‘I didn’t dream about her at night’ was the first thing I could remember him saying that implied I had any special status to him at all.
So are you seeing anyone at the moment? he said.
I opened my eyes then. He wasn’t looking at me, he was inspecting a dandelion between his thumb and forefinger. He didn’t seem to be joking. I held my legs together very tightly.
Well, I was for a while, I said. But I’m afraid he ended it.
He twisted the flower stem back and forth, smiling a reluctant smile.
He did? Nick said. What was he thinking?
You know, I have no idea.
He looked at me and I was afraid of what expression my face was making.
I’m very happy you’re here, he said. It’s good to see you again.
I raised an eyebrow and then turned my face away. I could see Bobbi’s head dipping and rising in the silver water like a seal.
And I am sorry, he said.
I smiled mechanically, and said: oh, for hurting my feelings? Nick sighed as if placing down something heavy. He relaxed, I could feel his posture changing. I lay back and let the blades of grass touch my shoulders.
Sure, if you have any, he said.
Have you ever said one sincere thing in your life?
I said I was sorry, that was sincere. I tried to tell you how nice it is to see you again. What do you want? I could grovel but I don’t think you’re the kind of person it would appeal to.
How well do you think you know me? I said.
He gave me a look then, like he was finally dropping some long pretence. It was a good look, but I knew that he could practise it just as well as any of the others.