“Do you understand that what your dad and I have is very young?” I asked.
She nodded.
“So we haven’t gotten around to talking about that yet, and because of that, I have a feeling something about it is weighing on your mind. But do you get that if I haven’t talked about it with your dad I shouldn’t with you?”
Something lit in her eyes as she said, “Yes.”
“So how about we not talk about any more heavy stuff now and get you settled in then go down and join the boys and eat more food that’s really bad for us?”
That bought me a smile as she agreed, “Let’s do that.”
I smiled back, folded a scary amount of leotards and helped her clear the rest of her stuff. We had just begun breaking down boxes, an endeavor Hix must have heard because he joined us and ordered us out so he could do it (apparently, girls couldn’t break down boxes either).
Since that wasn’t my favorite task and there were only eight, we left him to it and went down to join the boys, the game and eat really bad food.
“I’m not sure this is the right thing to do.”
“I am.”
I sat on the side of Hix’s bed and watched him walk into the bathroom.
He closed the door.
I stared at it.
It was late.
Andy was back at the home. Shaw was in the basement. Mamie was in bed across the hall.
And I was spending the night, according to Hix, but I wasn’t sure that was the way to go.
He came out of the bathroom and I caught his eyes immediately.
“Hix, we need to slow this down.”
He walked right up to me, stopped and stared down at me.
“What, baby, from our conversation this morning gives you the impression we should slow this down?” he asked gently.
“The drama with your daughter that happened right after it,” I answered.
He bent to me and rested both hands on the sides of my neck. “Is this happening?”
“Yes, but—”
“Is it very much happening?”
“Yes, Hix, but—”
“Is there gonna be a day when you’re makin’ breakfast for more than just me in my kitchen?”
I nodded and whispered, “I hope so.”
He nodded too. “So everyone has to get the message that’s gonna happen, Greta. And I’m not usin’ you to make a point to my ex-wife or my kids. In that everyone, I also mean you. If you have genuine reason that any delay in relating that message will be useful, I’ll listen. But it is what it is and it’s gonna be that for a long damned time. So why delay it?”
Another Drake with a good point.
“Mamie asked me if we got married, if we’d have kids,” I divulged.
The pads of his fingers bit into my flesh momentarily before he let me go and straightened.
“What did you say?” he asked.
“I said I hadn’t even talked to you about it so I didn’t feel it was right discussing it with her.”
“Good answer,” he muttered.
“Hix—”
I said no more because he tagged my hand, pulled me up but he did it only to sit and tug me back down, right in his lap.
He wrapped his arms around me and only spoke when I looked into his eyes.
“You said you didn’t want kids,” he remarked carefully.
“I don’t,” I replied just as carefully.
“I got kids.”
I smiled a small smile. “I know.”
“Babe, you feel like changin’ your mind, you wanna make a baby with me, we’ll talk. But right now, that part of my life is behind me and I’m girding for losin’ my babies to the lives they’re gonna lead. I’m not feeling a hankering to go through that again.” He lifted a hand and ran his fingers along my jaw, murmuring, “We’d make a beautiful baby so if you want that door open, we’ll talk. But if you don’t, I’m down with that too.”
I stared at him and I did it not thinking about Mamie or Hope or our crazy day.
I did it thinking about all the times I’d had this very conversation with Keith, the crushing guilt that I so very much didn’t want to give him something he so very much wanted, that guilt compounded by the fact that he already gave so much I felt I was being doubly selfish not giving it to him.
But it wasn’t like he wanted an expensive new car that you could find a way to pay for or eventually sell and move on.
He wanted to make a child with me.
And I loved kids but the one I’d had had been work even before my mother hurt him in ways that would never heal. So in the end I’d just wanted Keith and Andy and calm and peace, because I’d never had the chance to live my life just how I might want it. I never would have that chance because I’d always have Andy, and I didn’t want more.
But with Hix, it was if you want it, we’ll talk and I’m leaving that door open, if you don’t, we’re good.
And I couldn’t cope with it being that easy.
“Baby, have you changed your mind?”
Hix’s question jolted me out of my reverie.
“Women are supposed to want to have kids,” I shared.
“There are a lot of women out there so that all-encompassing statement might not be true, sweetheart.”
“We . . . would . . .” I cleared my throat, the thoughts in my head tumbling. “We actually would make a beautiful baby.”
Hix stroked my neck and watched me closely. “Yeah.”
“If this . . . runs its course, we’ll always have Andy, Hix.”
He grinned at me. “If this runs its course,” he said teasingly, “we’ll also always have Shaw, Corinne and Mamie. It’ll be in different ways, but they’ll always be my kids and you’ll get to share in that.”
“I haven’t changed my mind,” I whispered.
“All right. But so I know where you’re at, you want that door open?”
God.
He wasn’t to be believed.
“Not right now but no door should ever be closed.”
He grinned again, moved in to touch his mouth to mine and moved back. “Right. That’s settled. Now are you gonna get ready for bed?”
“We can’t have sex. Mamie’s across the hall.”
His gaze drifted to the door and he muttered, “Yeah.”
“Quickie after the kids are off to school and before we go to work.”
He looked back at me. “Deal.”
That was when I grinned, pushed off his lap and went to my bag to get my nightie.
The lights were out and I was cuddled up to Hix who was on his back, stroking my arm, when he noted, “Andy’s a capable guy.”
I adjusted to put my chin to my hand that was flat on his chest in order to look at his shadowed face.
“Yeah,” I agreed.
“Can’t he be in a work program or something? A home where he has more independence?”
I shook my head but said, “The home. Yes. Though he can decide to roam which isn’t good, so there has to be supervision. He also can’t do things like cook on his own, because he forgets he’s cooking and things can go south when he does. But regardless, they don’t have a home like that around here.”