When I say I can’t, I really mean it.
Words have many meanings, but one has to figure out their meaning to the person using them before they can truly understand them.
I let out a sharp breath. “I’m sorry, it’s just … I thought this would be easier.”
“What would be easier?”
The answer is simple.
“Everything,” I admit.
Harper starts to look away but something catches her eye. She stares at my chest.
At any other time, it would’ve made me flush.
But then I remember the evidence I wear there.
“Where did you get these?” Her hand brushes against my dog tags and I back away, pulling my T-shirt over my head before she can get a better look at them.
She stares at the small lump over my chest. Unsure of what she saw.
“I’m sorry, but I have to go,” I say. “See you around, Harper.”
I walk away before I don’t have the strength to. Being around Harper is like … something I forgot. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.
Someone I forgot.
7.
Harper
When I come home, Uncle Jasper is sitting on the back steps with a cup of coffee next to him, his paper folded to the crossword page. He moves his mug over so I can sit down. My shorts are still wet, and I can feel water dripping from my hair.
I can’t stop thinking about Kale and what he said last night, about the promise I made to never ask where he goes. And then at the river just now, when something triggered inside him when I mentioned change.
It’s because he hasn’t.
“He still leaves, doesn’t he?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.
Uncle Jasper stares into the woods behind the house where I saw Kale moments earlier, his eyes soft. “He never stopped,” he says.
“But why?”
“That’s not for me to answer, you know that.”
And it wasn’t for me to ask. Because of the promise I made him, I can never ask Kale about where he goes, as long as he comes back.
“I know it isn’t.” A sigh escapes and I admit, “It’s strange being back—I thought things would be different.” Then I remember who I’m talking to and wish I hadn’t said it. “That’s not what I mean—”
“I know what you mean,” he says. “But I think more has changed than you think. You’ve just got to look closer.”
Three days pass, and I don’t see Kale.
I can’t stop thinking about what happened down at the river. I should’ve been more careful about what I said. Sometimes my mouth speaks before my brain thinks of the outcome.
Besides trying to keep Kale off my mind, I play my video games in the afternoon and get texts from Grace about the demolition derby Miles entered that’s coming up in a week. I text Libby, wishing she would bring up Kale without me mentioning him first. It never works. Giving hints over text messaging is harder than it seems. But maybe it goes both ways because she keeps bringing up her mom and wanting to come home. I make a mental note to ask Kale about it.
Sometime after lunch, Uncle Jasper comes home and sits with me in the living room, watching the twelve o’clock news and working on another crossword. His fingers are stained with car grease, and they’ll probably be that way forever. I can’t remember his hands ever being clean.
We both flinch a little when the phone rings. Uncle Jasper doesn’t take his eyes off the television and answers it, his hand searching blindly for a moment until he finds it. He’s probably the only person I know who doesn’t have a cell phone yet.
“Hello?” Someone talks on the other end, and I know something isn’t right. It’s a long while when the other person finally stops talking and Uncle Jasper’s eyes tighten with worry. “When did he take it down there?” Another pause and Uncle Jasper clenches his jaw. “No, I understand, don’t worry about it. Thanks, Bryce.”
He hangs up.
“Is something wrong?”
Uncle Jasper puts his crossword puzzle on the table near his chair. “Peter told Kale that the next time he leaves, he would sell his car.”
“And he did … didn’t he?” That’s why Kale hasn’t been around for the last two days. It’s because he’s not here. “He left again.”
“He’s been gone since last night,” he says. “Peter just dropped his car down at the dealer.”
“But can he do that?” I ask. “Isn’t that Kale’s car?”
“Technically, it’s not. His dad bought it for him when he got his license, and the title is still in his name.” Then he corrects himself, “Was in his name.”
Uncle Jasper grabs his keys from the table and smirks at me. “Feel like taking a ride?”
I give him my best you’re up to something look. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m gonna buy it back.” As he pulls on his Royals cap, I catch a glimpse of a side of Uncle Jasper I haven’t seen since I got here—just a quick spark in his eyes, and a quirk in his smile.
It’s enough for me to smile back and slip on my shoes. “I would love to come with you,” I say pleasantly. “Besides, you need someone to drive it back.”
“Kale’s usually picky about who drives his car,” he says, smiling again. “But in this case, I don’t think he would mind.”
“Well, technically, it’s no longer his car,” I point out.
He tilts his head slightly. “Touché.”
I follow him out to his old truck, watching the horizon where dark clouds are looming over the green fields. It’s heading away from us, going south toward the city. Inside, the truck smells like stale Doritos, and I know if I look under the seat, I would find the evidence. It makes me smile again.
After pulling onto the main road, Uncle Jasper says something unexpected. “We haven’t really spoken about your mom since you got here.” I keep my gaze out the window. “I want you to know that you can tell me anything,” he says. “I know that sounds really awkward saying out loud but I have to, because I need you to know that. I need you to know that I’ll always be here for you.”
Uncle Jasper catches my eye but keeps his attention on the road.
I look away, unable to look at him while I tell him the truth. “I guess it’s because it hasn’t hit me that I’m really here. For good. Even though I want to be,” I add. “Mom and I haven’t been close for a long time now, but it still feels weird being away from her. Does that make sense?”
Probably not. I very rarely make sense.
“She’s your mom, of course you’re going to miss her, and that’s okay. I’m proud of you for making the decision to move out here—it couldn’t have been easy. You need to do what’s right for you, and if you need me, I’ll be here.”
Uncle Jasper shoots me a smile, reminding me of the dad I barely knew, and making me grateful I have him as an uncle.