I wanted to join, to fight. But I also wanted to leave. I was not a shifter, and even if I wanted to stay and join King Dalior’s cause, how could I keep up the illusion without revealing my magick? As my mind toyed with the idea, an image of Fa and Mam receiving coin from the King was enough for me to make up my mind. Yet the possibility of my magick being revealed sent daggers into my thoughts. No one could find out.
“Tomorrow, first thing in the morning, you are to return here.” King Dalior spoke above the ruckus of the room. “Until then, you are to return to your rooms where you will find the rest of your fellow elves already asleep. Do not tell them of what has happened here, for it will only instil fear and envy into their hearts. When the time is right, although I hope there will not be a need, we will explain to our people what is happening. Until then, ignorance is bliss. It is up to us to protect them.” His eyes swept the room, his arms clasped behind his back. “Sleep well, for tomorrow your training begins.”
I KEPT MY head down, trying to evade all attempts of eye contact from Petrer during the walk back to our room. Every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was black blood and when I opened them, I saw the reality of my situation. Both horrified me.
I felt sick and exhausted. My legs ached this time around as we climbed the stairs to our rooms. It was just myself, Petrer, Gwendolyn and Illera who trudged back, silently. Numerous worries flooded my mind. What was going to happen to those elves who slept? Would they leave us in the morning? How long would I keep the illusion in place to hide my power? My head throbbed. I was thankful when we reached our floor and dispersed back into our rooms.
Petrer pushed our door open with caution. I walked in first, scanning the many who slept in the bunks around me.
I stripped my clothes, leaving only my pants and a thin under shirt to sleep in. I kicked at the pile of clothes sending it to the corner of the room in a heap. I would sort them tomorrow because all I could think about right now was sleep.
“Are we going to talk about this?” Petrer whispered from his bunk where he was sprawled on top of his sheets.
I refused to turn to him, “There is nothing to talk about.” I was lying and he knew it. I reached up for the wood to pull myself onto the bunk but Petrer sat up.
“Zac, what has got into you? There is lots to talk about!” he hissed, his grip heavy on my wrist.
“Now is not the right time,” I said, pulling my arm from his grasp. My wrist ached from his grip. “Don’t ever grab me like that again.”
Even in the dark I could see Petrer’s face soften. My words shocked him, and he looked to his hands and back to my face. His eyes wet and cheeks red. “I’m sorry, I didn’t me—”
“Just get some sleep Petrer.” I pulled myself into bed, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I hated this.
Petrer didn’t speak another word. I couldn’t see him, but I felt his body roll over beneath me, the bunk shifting under his weight. I told myself it was better this way, better not talking to him and instead aiding the distance that we needed. Or rather, the distance I needed. I had buried what he had done to me and ignored it. It was his actions driving a wedge between us. It pained me to act that way, but the wedge could never be removed.
***
I STARED AT the domed ceiling, counting the bricks in hopes it lulled me to sleep. I tried numerous techniques Mam had taught me. I imagined myself as the top of a tree and, in my mind, travelled from the tallest leaf to the very bottom of the roots. She’d told me that once I reached the earth, my mind would still and the darkness of the soil would in turn be the blackness of sleep. It didn’t work.
I listened to the faint song of rolling waves crashing against rocks from outside of the open window, and the rustle of sheets inside. I rolled onto my side to get a better view beyond the window, giving up on the idea of sleep. The moon hung in silence above the glass-like surface of the sea, half formed. From here it looked big enough to touch, as if I could reach out the window and run my hand across its imperfect surface. As I contemplated it, a breeze trickled in from the window, dusting across my bare legs.
Time slipped past me, how much I was not sure. Petrer’s heavy breathing became constant; he was in the grasps of sleep. Gwendolyn also slept, I could hear her heavy breathing from my bunk although her back faced me.
I looked back to the window, delirious from lack of sleep.
I had to leave.
Now.
Careful not to bash my head against the low ceiling, I sat up. I closed my eyes, it was always clearer picturing the magick within me. I pushed off from the bed, calling for the air to cushion my landing, silencing the heavy thud that should have sounded when my feet touched the ground.
The urge to leave was too loud for me to ignore.
I ran. I ran for the window and jumped until my world was alight with screams of the air.
***
I WAS FREE. I fell fast towards the rocky ground below, my body filled with adrenaline. The stone walls beside me blurred, the separate stones blending into one. I took pleasure in this moment when all that was around me was air and night. A cold trickle of tears smudged up the side of my face from the downward force. It was all happening so quickly.
I threw open my fists and pushed out every ounce of magick I had into my landing. The air began to harden around me until my body felt like I was swimming in thick mud. I turned my hands, guiding my body to the right position. The cold ground bit at my bare toes the second my feet touched the rough path. I released my hold on the air and it regained its natural form. The chill of night smashed into me in that second, almost knocking me sideways. I threw my arms around me, trying everything to contain the warmth before the night bled it away. I looked down, my bare legs illuminated by the moonlight.
Idiot.
I looked above at the window. It was now nothing more than a dot in the distance. In my rush and stupidity, I’d left without anything but the few clothes I wore.
My wind still spun around me, but I felt its weakened state from my overuse. Pain bubbled, an empty pressure that always followed when I used that much power. I released my magick until the night stilled and the air left me. I squinted back up at the window above. The power I would need to get back was too great for what I had left. I felt it cower inside of me at the thought of using it again.
I looked around me, trying to gain my positioning. I stood on some sort of walkway at the back of the palace. Only a few feet before me was the edge of the walkway that disappeared into the rocky ocean below. I shuffled over to it and peered across the ledge. It was a sheer drop into the ocean, tips of rocks that protruded from the water’s surface. There was no way down.
I ran, my feet slapping against the ground as I searched for a door, anything to find my way back inside the walls of the palace. I came to a stop before a sharp cluster of rocks that blocked the path ahead. I could climb, but I had no idea what was on the other side and my feet would suffer.