SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I scream in my head. Boy, this night is one for the record books.
They look at each other and start laughing.
“Breathe, Jen,” says Kim … or Carol. I’ve already forgotten who is who. “We know you’re cooler than this. Unless someone else writes your emails.”
“Sorry.” I blush. “I am cooler than this!”
“Want to tell us how some of your best friends are gay?” asks Kim or Carol with a smile. I start to laugh.
“Yes, thanks. That was next on my list of stupid things to say.”
“Don’t worry. We’ve heard worse. But a play date sounds good. Should we email you?”
“That would be great. See you later and again, I’m sorry.”
As they walk away, the blond one says loudly: “What’s that you say, Jen? You had a lesbian experience in college? How wonderful!”
Nina sidles up to me. I’m actually sweating now.
“Look at you, making friends,” she coos, as only Nina can.
“Oh, my God. Why didn’t you walk over here two minutes ago?”
“And miss the train wreck that was you meeting Hunter’s two mommies? No way.”
I shake my head, trying to push the whole thing out of my mind. I turn to Nina.
“Hey, what can you tell me about the turtleneck twins over there?” I nod toward the book nook, where Dr. Evil and Mini-Me are pretending to look at Wild About Books while obviously assessing every parent in the room, kind of like I’m doing.
Nina rolls her eyes and picks a sesame seed out of her teeth.
“Well, the taller one, Kim, moved here two years ago from New York—or Manhattan, as she always calls it just in case we think she means any other part of New York.”
“Someone should tell her there’s a Manhattan, Kansas. That’ll shut her up.”
Nina laughs. “The shorter one is JJ Aikens—I’ve known her for years. She used to be seminormal, but ever since Kim turned up all she wants to be is another Kim. I think she’s even convinced herself that she’s from New York, too.”
“You mean Manhattan,” I correct her.
“Sure I do.”
“Well, that explains a thing or two. Kim’s husband was checking out Miss Ward.”
“Oh, hell, Jen, who wasn’t? I haven’t had sex in so long, Miss Ward is looking good to me.”
“Do you know that tall couple?” I ask her.
“Peetsa and Buddy? Sure. Their daughter and Chyna have been in the same class on and off for years.”
I am about to say something, but Miss Ward is waving an empty garbage bag at me, which I guess is her way of asking me to start cleaning up.
Nina sighs. “Well, I’m off to Mr. Greely’s class to check in. No sushi there, I can promise you that.”
As I’m grabbing cups and plates, I find myself glancing around the room, looking for Don Burgess. Our eyes meet over the large recycling bin.
“Hey, are you trying to take my job away?” There’s that smile again.
“Sorry?” This time I manage to suppress the giggle.
“Waste management. That’s what I do.” He hands me some used napkins to put in my trash bag.
“Really? That’s…” I stop because I don’t know what to say. That’s interesting? That’s cool? That’s disappointing? Who knew Suchafox would end up a garbageman?
“I know.” He laughs at the look on my face. “It’s not what you’d think I’d be doing, but there’s a lot of money in garbage.”
“Well, that’s great. Good for you. Helping to keep KC clean.”
“I do what I can,” he says. As he walks away, he turns back to me and says the last thing I thought I would ever hear Don Burgess say: “Don’t forget to recycle those cups!”
*
When I get home that night, I find Max and Ron in our bed, both fast asleep. Max is wearing his Spider-Man costume as pajamas, of course. As I pick him up, I realize he’s almost too big to carry, and my heart hurts a little bit. I remember when the girls got too heavy for me. It’s just one more step away from you that they take without even knowing it. As I lay him down in his race-car bed, I put my nose into his hair and take a deep breath. He never lets me do that when he’s awake.
I sit down on the bed and look around Max’s room. A stranger would think that two completely different children share it. One is a diehard sports fan, evidenced by all the posters of Chiefs and Royals superstars papering the walls. The other is a techie/wizard fan who has a flair for fashion, shown through all the gadgets and drawings littered about.
When I get back to the bedroom, Ron is sitting up, squinting at his iPad.
“How’d it go?” he asks.
“It was a real barn burner. You would have loved it.”
“Really?”
“No.” I stretch out on the bed. “What did you guys do?”
“We had hot dogs and watched hockey on ESPN Classics in bed. Perfect manly-man night.”
“For our perfectly unmanly little boy,” I add.
“He loved it.”
“Ron, please stop trying to make him love sports. If he does, he does. If he doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world.”
“I’m just trying to show him all the options. I’ve given up on football and soccer, but I have high hopes for hockey.”
I shake my head.
“You know that kid Zach T. he always talks about?”
Ron shrugs. “The one he ate lunch with that day?”
“No, that’s Zach B.”
“The one he says picks his nose?”
“No, that’s Zach E. Zach T. is the one who is really into gadgets. I met his parents tonight. They seem like nice people.”
Ron gasps. “Don’t tell me you actually met someone you like!”
“Ha, ha. Their names are Peetsa and Buddy.”
“Pizza?”
“Just like the food.”
“God, can you imagine going through high school with that name? ‘Hey, Pizza! Can I have a slice?’ I would have tortured that poor girl.”
“I’m sure she’s heard them all.”
I’m about to tell him about Don Burgess he’s such a fox when the phone rings. I roll onto my side to answer it.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Mom.” It’s my older daughter.
“Hey, Vivs. What’s up, baby?”
“Not much.”
“How’s school?”
“Good.”
Vivs is my show pony. She came out of the womb just knowing the right thing to say and do, which is pretty much a miracle considering Michael Hutchence and I were less than stable people at the time of conception. There were a couple of dark years during puberty when Vivs thought she was Marilyn Manson and, I’m not going to lie, I was terrified of her. But we got through it. Currently she is a junior at KU, majoring in human ecology, whatever the hell that is.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Jesus, Vivs, really? Do I have to drag it out of you? What’s up? Do you need money?”
“Mom! No. I just called to say hi. Jeez. Why so bitchy?”
“Sorry. I just got back from curriculum night at Max’s school.”
Vivs laughs. She knows how much I hate school functions.
“How’s he doing?”
“He’s good, but I think Ron traumatized him tonight by making him watch a hockey game.”
“He loved it!” Ron yells.
“Still on the sports thing, huh?”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “How is Raj?”