Kim and Carol are first. They hold hands while they run, smiling the whole way. They seem to have a really nice marriage. As they complete the course, Carol lifts Kim into her arms and swings her around in a big hug. Well, now we know who’s the bitch and who’s the butch. Another mystery solved!
Next I see Jean-Luc running with Ali, both covered in mud but only one of them looking like he just finished a Men’s Health photo shoot. Beside him, Ali is struggling to keep pace and looks happy to see the finish line. As they cross, Jean-Luc picks her up and swings her around. Is this some kind of ritual I wasn’t made aware of?
Last but not least from our little team come Kim Fancy and Miss Ward—covered in mud and running like they are racing each other. I’m not kidding. They are neck and neck and running so close together that one of them could easily take the other out with a good shove. I’m thinking Kim Fancy for the win, but they actually cross the finish line together, clasp hands, and run toward the side of the building where the Porta Potties are located.
“When you gotta go, you gotta go,” my mom says.
“I want to do it again,” I say to Ron. “It went by so fast.” I hug him and reach my arm out for Max. “You guys are the best cheering section in the world.” I turn to my family and friends. “I can’t believe you all came for this.” They are all talking to each other and completely ignore me.
“I’ve got to get back to work.” Ron extracts himself from Max’s and my hug. “Are you going to hang out, or what?”
“The first thing I have to do is pee. I’ll come and find you.” I hand him my ice pack and take off toward the side of the building. I’m so happy, I’m practically flying. But when I turn the corner of the building, I stop short, because I’m treated to the sight of Miss Ward and Kim Fancy over by the side of the Porta Potties, making out! I mean, really going at it. Kim has our kindergarten teacher backed against the toilet, and Miss Ward has one leg wrapped around her like a rope. They don’t see me, so I immediately backtrack around the corner and wonder if I have just imagined the whole thing. A quick second glance confirms that I have not. This is too much to take in. Miss Ward is Sasha Lewicki and she’s Kim Fancy’s secret lover? I feel like I’m in a movie. A really dirty one.
I still have to pee, but I decide to use the bathroom inside the store. I walk back through the parking lot, only semi-aware that people are still doing the obstacle course. My mind is trying to put together all I know about Miss Ward and Kim Fancy. How long has this been going on? Did Miss Ward not have an affair with the dashing David Fancy? I had been so sure about that, especially after the Christmas party–turned–jewelry show. I mean, Miss Ward had obviously taken her dress off at some point and then put it on backward. I always assumed she had hooked up with the dashing David in the bathroom for a quickie and that was why Kim slapped her, back in February. That slap! What was that all about? A lovers’ quarrel? Foreplay?
I walk into the store, grateful for the relative quiet. This is a terrific event, but I’m not sure what it does for Ron’s business. Everyone is outside having fun, not inside buying things.
I wave to Kendra, the salesgirl behind the counter, and head to the bathroom, which is on the left side of the store right near the jockstraps and sports bras. I lock myself in because I need to think, plus it’s nice to sit down for a minute. I feel like I have been at Mach 10 with my hair on fire ever since I woke up for the second time this morning.
Usually, I do some of my best thinking on the toilet, but today all I come up with is more questions. So I flush and wash my hands. A glance in the mirror shows I have the battle scars of a mud warrior all over me and I feel all kinds of cool as I head back to the parking lot. I look at my watch and can’t believe it is only 10:15. All this has happened in an hour? It makes me think of the army slogan, “We do more before nine a.m. than most people do all day.”
I find Max and Chyna at the Gatorade table, passing out cups to people.
“Mommy, Garth is looking for you,” Max informs me, handing me a cup of orange Gatorade.
“Okay, thanks. Are you guys having fun?”
“Dad says I can play in the mud when everyone is done and swing on the monkey bars.”
“He did, huh? You are so lucky.”
“He said I could try to do the course, too,” Chyna tells me. “If it’s okay with you.”
“Of course. But maybe get Garth to help you. Any idea where he and your mom are?”
“I think they went to talk to the guy from the governor’s office.”
“Where is he?”
“Sitting with the guy making all the announcements.” She points to a table set up near the starting line.
“Max, want to come with me or stay with Chyna?”
“Mommy, I’m working.”
“Righty-o! I’ll be back in a little while.”
On my walk over to the table, I am stopped at least a dozen times by friends and customers all congratulating me on the success of the day, as though I had anything to do with it. I promise to pass along their compliments to Ron, if I ever see him again. Finally, I spy the announcer’s table and Garth chatting up some guy in a suit. I wait until he sees me, then I wave him over. I’m not in the mood to press any more flesh.
“There you are! I was looking for you. You must have really had to pee.”
“You have no idea,” I respond. “Where’s Nina?”
“She’s getting something from the car. How are you feeling?” He puts his arm around me.
“I feel great! That was a breeze. I wanted to go right back and do it again. How did I look?”
“Like a girl who’s ready for a bigger challenge, that’s for sure. I’m so proud of you. You must be on such a high.”
Well, I was, I think but do not say. The whole Miss Ward/Kim Fancy drama has really pulled me off track. Garth is right—I should be walking on air. Instead, all I want is to find Nina and tell her everything. But Garth doesn’t need to know any of this.
“I am. It was amazing and I owe it all to you.” I give him a hug.
I can tell Garth is happy. “And we aren’t finished yet. August, baby. That’s when the real deal will happen. We need to keep training all summer.”
“I’m ready,” I tell him. I spot Nina walking toward us. “I’m going to steal your girl for a few minutes.” He smiles and waves me on.
I grab Nina’s arm and redirect her to a bench near the street.
“Looks like you and Ron—”
I cut her off immediately.
“I have to tell you something, but you can’t tell anyone else.”
“Okay.” Nina seems more dubious than curious.
“Swear on Chyna’s life that you won’t say anything.”
“Uh, no. But I’ll swear on our friendship, if that makes you feel any better.”
I regard her for a moment, then nod.
“Good enough.” I take a deep breath. “I just saw Miss Ward and Kim Fancy making out by the Porta Potties.” I wait for a reaction, and Nina doesn’t disappoint. Her eyes nearly pop out of her head.
“Are you shitting me?”
“Nope.”
“Didn’t you tell me one of them slapped the other?”
“Yup.”
“Are you sure they were making out? Maybe they were just hugging.”
“With their tongues?”
“Oh, my God, seriously?”
“Yup.”
“Was it hot?”