“I—”
My thoughts and speech jumbled together into a mess of inaction. I wanted to push him away, to remind myself of the facts, but Chase’s lips were on my cheek and my neck and then they hovered over mine, waiting for my permission so gently I thought I would crumble.
“You stink,” I teased, trying to lighten the moment.
He laughed and took a step back, lifting his uniform up and tugging it over his head.
My eyes widened.
“Wait—what are you doing?” I asked, keeping steady eye contact with his face.
He shrugged innocently. “Undressing so I can take a shower.”
“Do that in the bathroom,” I argued as he worked on the belt of his baseball pants. My breath caught in my throat at the knowledge that if he pushed the subject, I'd be a total goner. I could see the dip of his torso, the hard lines of his abs, and suddenly I didn’t want to fight against us. I stepped forward and hauled my body against him so that he had to catch me against the door. It rattled in its hinges as I wrapped my hands around his neck.
He laughed into my mouth as we kissed, completely mad for each other. His hands tugged my shirt up and I laughed as it got caught on my head for a few seconds.
“Good, just stay like that,” Chase joked, not helping me tug it off.
“Hey! Help me!”
“But, I'm really enjoying the view,” he quipped, skimming his hands down the center of my stomach. My muscles quivered beneath his touch even as the t-shirt started to cut off circulation.
He reached up to help pull it off, but the ominous sound of the front door opening stopped us dead in our tracks.
“Guys! I'm home. Do you want to go grab dinner?” my dad shouted up the stairs.
Chase and I scrambled apart and I yanked my t-shirt back down over my chest. In a flash of silent shouts and rushed gestures, Chase had his shirt in hand and was creeping across the hall to his room.
“Guys?”
“Okay Dad! Just one second!” I yelled back, keeping my eyes on Chase.
He turned to close his door and his wickedly handsome smile was the last thing I saw.
It was the first time I’d let my love for Chase see the light of day.
Chapter Fifty-One
Lilah
The following week passed in slow motion. Each day blurred from moment to moment: walking to school, sitting through classes, pretending to be okay, avoiding questions, and putting on a fake smile for Chase. I thought that my feelings for him would settle into something comfortable, but Chase and I had passed the point of no return. I was blind with love for him and the more I realized it, the more it scared me.
I loved Chase. I loved him and no one could see how beautifully pure the feeling was. They were too consumed by the juxtaposition of what “was” and what “should be”. To them, I wasn't even worthy of being a star-crossed Capulet to his Montague—I was more the serving wench that must have slipped a love potion into Romeo's stew. I’d stolen him right out from beneath Juliet.
Every day during lunch, I walked by the cafeteria and paused to take in Chase among his friends. I was like an anthropologist studying the habits of a culture I’d never been a part of. I evaded Chase's invitations to join him, choosing instead to hide out in the library or the nature center, whichever one suited my fancy that day.
It felt good to breathe on my own again, to spend thirty minutes without the constant feeling of having someone watching me, studying me, judging me.
I was standing at the door of the cafeteria on Friday when Kimberly walked by with a group of Diamond Girls. When she saw me, she waved off her friends and hung back to talk to me.
“Hey, what are you doing out here?” she asked with a friendly smile.
“Just…regrouping,” I said, speaking the truth for the first time in a week.
Kimberly's eyebrows knit together. “Are you and Chase okay?”
I looked past her shoulder to see Chase reach down for a handful of fries. He was wearing his trademark smirk and I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't fake it.
“Do you ever think about being with Chase?” I asked, ignoring her prior question altogether.
She tilted her head, her friendly smile slipping ever so slightly. “What do you mean? We dated junior year, but that's over now.”
I shook my head. “No, I know that. I mean in the future.”
Her eyes narrowed and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth while she thought.
“I guess I’ve thought about it a little.”
I took a deep breath, trying to shove aside the feeling of acid eating away at my stomach. “It's just that ever since I started dating him, I've sort of felt like an impostor.” I paused, wondering if I should keep going. “And then I see you and him together and it just fits. It makes so much sense.”
She smiled, obviously uncomfortable with my honesty. “But you're with him. He wants to be with you, Lilah.” She pointed to my chest as if to emphasize that point.