“Ah, he’s finally arrived and, of course, with much fanfare,” I hear a familiar voice say in her classic clipped tone. It’s a voice she uses right before shipping students off to detention. “I thought I told him no cannon fire on school grounds!”
Our teachers have arrived. Headmistress Flora (a.k.a. the former wicked stepmother of Cinderella who runs our school) leads the way, accompanied by Professor Wolfington (a.k.a. the Big Bad Wolf). Madame Cleo (a beautiful mermaid who is the sea siren that gave the Little Mermaid all that trouble) swims up to a nearby rock at the water’s edge.
Professor Wolfington sees me and gives a wolfish grin. “I see our new colleague has a welcome wagon. Hello, students.”
“Professor Wolfington!” Maxine says with glee. “You’re back!”
He scratches his scruffy beard, which is tame compared to his long mane of wild hair and the dark fur on his hands. “You didn’t think I’d stay away forever, did you?”
“We weren’t sure you’d be able to come back after getting all…” Maxine bears her ogre teeth and gnashes the air while making her hands like claws. “You know.”
Maxine means Professor Wolfington went full-blown Big Bad Wolf werewolf-style at the fifth anniversary ball to help save us from Alva. The rumor around school was that once our history teacher transformed to his dark side again, he could never return.
“Miss Maxine, everyone has setbacks now and then, but with discipline and reflection, we can continue on a path of virtue.” Professor Wolfington sounds like he’s reciting from our psychology textbook Wickedly Good in 30 Days or Less.
“Maxine, it is not appropriate to question your teachers,” Headmistress Flora reprimands. Flora’s tiny eyes are dark, much like the black in her black-and-white hair, which is swept up in a bun. “Professor Wolfington’s training has taught him how to bounce back from any, shall we say, wolfish situation. Not that he needs to explain himself.”
“It’s fine, Flora,” Professor Wolfington says pleasantly. “I took some time off for reflection, and now I’m back to meet my interesting new colleague.”
“What be ye all caterwauling about?” asks the heavyset pirate approaching us.
He’s dressed in a dingy jacket and ripped pants; a sparkling silver sword hangs from the leather holster on his hip. His head is covered by a beat-up pirate hat with a little skull and crossbones stamped on the front. His long, bushy hair is almost jet-black, and his full beard has several beaded braids that swing as he talks. “Wolfie, good to see you.” The two shake hands, and I notice the pirate’s fingernails are almost black. He turns to Headmistress Flora, who could not be dressed more differently than him in a button-down dress with a full petticoat.
“Flora, you sly lassie, me thinks ye didn’t give me the real tale on this school of yers,” bellows the pirate. “This castle be way bigger than ye described. Ye must have stole a few galleons along the way to build this beauty, eh?”
“I assure you, Mr. Teach, no galleons were stolen for this castle’s construction.” Headmistress Flora extends her long, slender hand to shake his dirty one. “Welcome to Fairy Tale Reform School. We’re thrilled you’ve decided to join our staff.”
He pats his full belly. “Sure. It be time I take a short break from the seas,” he says. “Too many be on me tail for me fortune.” He winks at Ollie.
“Some of which Mr. Teach has donated to Fairy Tale Reform School’s after-school activities,” Headmistress Flora says hurriedly. “Children, please meet your new psychology professor, Mr. Edward Teach.”
“Flora, don’t be so formal!” he says. “I prefer to be called Blackbeard.”
“I knew it!” Ollie says, extending his hand to shake Blackbeard’s. “It’s an honor to meet you, sir. Ollie Funklehouse, from Pete the Cheat’s crew.”
“Pete the Cheat?” Blackbeard thinks for a moment. “Never heard of him.”
“Blackbeard the pirate?” Maxine interrupts, almost stuttering. “But you’re…you’re…you’re…”
“Dangerous?” Blackbeard wipes his nose with the sleeve of his jacket, then lets out a burp so foul I want to run away. (He doesn’t say “excuse me” afterward either.) “Was a bit of a beast before,” Blackbeard says, scratching at his beard and hitting some of the beads in the process. “Depends on whom ye ask. But the lovely Madame Cleo over there showed me the error of me ways. Ain’t that right, love?” He points to the stunning mermaid I’m used to seeing inside a giant aquarium where she teaches charm classes (and moderates detention). This afternoon she’s sunning her scales on a rock.