“Are you sure?” Noah pleaded.
Ava nodded. “I need some space to calm down. I’ve been betrayed before by a cunning, scheming husband, and I don’t like the feeling.” She backed up, giving Noah some room.
“I haven’t betrayed you,” Noah said, getting to his feet. “I think you are a great and exceptionally motivated anesthesiologist. And certainly my personal feelings for you haven’t changed one iota.”
“I want you to leave,” Ava said. “Violating my trust and questioning my training feels like a betrayal.”
Noah did not want to leave. He’d missed her terribly over the previous four days. For a moment, they just stared at each other, with Noah trying desperately to think of a way to make amends. He’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and was now being banned to his room. “You’ll call or text if you change your mind?” Noah said. “I can just come back.” Inwardly, Noah cringed. It was a pitiful, pleading comment, and he hated himself as soon as it escaped his lips.
“I’m not going to change my mind,” Ava said.
Twenty minutes later, when Noah entered his apartment and collapsed dejectedly onto his tiny couch, he was furious with himself for not resisting the temptation to go on Ava’s computer. How could he have been so stupid? And then, to make matters worse, how could he have been even stupider to bring up his misgivings about her professional performance as an explanation? It had been like adding fuel to a goddamn fire.
“You are fucking hopeless,” he said out loud to himself while he knocked his head multiple times with the knuckles of his fist. He knew he was terrible at navigating relationships, but this evening’s performance was a study in ineptitude, especially since they were just getting over a major misunderstanding, for which he now realized he was as guilty as she was. He should have responded to her initial text and let her know how he felt.
Noah wondered how long it would take for Ava to come around, if she was going to come around. He recognized there was a chance she’d decide he wasn’t worth all the angst, preferring her social media activities as much easier and cleaner. Gloomily, his mind switched over to the letter he’d read on her computer screen. In some ways having graphic proof that she was figuratively in bed with the nutritional-supplement industry was almost equally as disturbing as being sent home. Prior to reading the letter he’d made a specific effort to ignore her involvement. Now he couldn’t. She was recommending defaming people who he felt were on the responsible side of the issue. That was serious.
26
FRIDAY, AUGUST 4, 3:50 P.M.
The melodic alarm on Noah’s smartphone went off, breaking his concentration. He was on the eighth floor of the Stanhope Pavilion in what was still called the chart room, even though charts were relics of the past. Now all the information on each patient was in their EMR stored in the central computer, so the chart room should have been called the monitor room, but tradition played a significant role at BMH and the old name stuck. Noah had been busy going over all the appropriate inpatient records in preparation for work rounds that would begin at their usual time of 5:00 P.M., but in his usual compulsive manner, he liked to be up on all the patients even before rounds began.
Noah had set his alarm to meet with Dr. Kumar, chief of Anesthesia, and he didn’t want to be late or, worse yet, forget. Noah stood up and pulled on a freshly pressed white jacket. He was nervous about the upcoming meeting. Deciding on doing it had not been easy, and he had argued the pros and cons for almost two days before making the plans.
Clicking off the monitor, Noah headed for the elevators. Dr. Kumar had scheduled the meeting in his department chair office in Administration on the third floor. Although Noah would have preferred to meet someplace on the surgical floor to keep things more casual, Dr. Kumar had insisted, and Noah had been forced to agree, so even the formal setting was adding to Noah’s unease.
The past week had not been Noah’s favorite. As a disturbing replay of the previous weekend, Noah had not heard from Ava. To avoid any repeat of the misunderstanding that had contributed to that unpleasant situation, Noah had sent her several texts, starting Sunday night. Each time he’d thrown any pretext of pride out the window and had apologized effusively for what he had done and, more or less, pleaded to get together to talk it out. Ava had responded once, late Tuesday afternoon in her signature terse style: I need a break.
Wednesday Noah had changed tactics. He texted her that he thought they should at least get together to plan the following week’s M&M Conference, but she didn’t respond. It was becoming perfectly clear what she meant by “a break” was no contact. When they had had encountered each other by chance in the OR, she’d even avoided eye contact.
In the beginning of the week Noah had struggled with a mixture of regret and remorse, but by Wednesday, when she chose not to respond to his text about the M&M, his feelings began to shift. Although he admitted he’d made a mistake violating her trust by accessing her computer, he began to sense the punishment was more than the offense warranted. The idea resurfaced that there was a disconnect with her current behavior and the intimacy he thought they had shared. Such thinking brought back Leslie’s warnings and his own concern that Ava might have been using him. It also reawakened his nagging misgivings about her training and competence. Feeling a flash of irritation over her lack of communication, he found himself wondering something he never thought he’d question: Could Dr. Mason be right about Ava?
From Noah’s perspective, the problem with such an idea was that she had been hired by one of the best anesthesia departments in the country, which meant that she’d been seriously vetted way beyond having just passed the anesthesia boards and obtained a Massachusetts medical license. At a minimum, a complete file of her training, including letters of recommendation, would have been required. It was that fact that made him overcome his reservations about approaching Dr. Kumar.