I close my eyes and rub my temples. I'm not drunk, but there's enough in my system for me to spill out what Seth told me if I don’t keep my mouth shut.
"Doesn't matter. I'll see you in the morning."
"What's wrong, Vee?"
"I'm just struggling a bit too. Feeling on the outside." I bite back saying anymore.
He places his hand on the door to stop me closing it. "Why do you feel on the outside? Has Xander been saying stupid shit again?"
"It doesn't matter, Ewan. Good night."
I turn and walk into the darkened room. As I head to the nightstand and switch on the light, the door clicks closed behind me.
Ewan's large frame takes up the doorway, face unclear in the dim. "You know you can talk to me if you need to."
"Can I?" I place down my handbag and kick off my shoes. "You're hard to talk to. Even harder than Xander, in a way."
"What way?"
"At least he shouts his thoughts and feelings at me, instead of harbouring whatever ones you do."
"What the hell are you talking about, Vee?"
I walk towards him. “The day after I fooled around with the guys in the snow, you said we were going to talk, so talk.”
“Whoa. Okay.” Ewan pushes hair from his face. “Are you pissed off with me over what just happened with Seth? Sorry, but I just can’t trust him, and I wish you’d open your eyes.”
“No.” I take a ragged breath. “Not that.”
“Then what? Why this sudden change in attitude? You seemed relaxed and happy around us before.”
The words spill from my mouth before I can stop them. “Do you want to destroy me?"
Ewan steps back and looks at me as if I've punched him in the face. "What?" His voice is low, barely a whisper. "What the fuck makes you think I want to... Vee, that's insane.”
"Is it? You told me from the start I'd cause problems. You've seen and told me how I come between you all."
"Wrong. We all fight sometimes. There're parts of each of us that could destroy our group, but we deal with conflict." He wipes a hand across his face. "It bloody hurts you saying this to me, Vee. I'm trying to protect you."
"What from? You think because I have this connection to all of you that I'll become too strong and kill you all?”
“Where’s this crazy come from?” His mouth parts. “It’s him, isn’t it? Seth! The fucking devious... He’s gone too far.”
As Ewan spins to leave, I call out, “The things he said weren’t lies, Ewan.”
The awkward tension following us recently switches, and an angry undercurrent starts as our words harshen.
“What things?” He turns back to me.
“You and Xander want me gone. Destroyed. You don’t trust me.” All of Seth’s words rush out, at the same time reinforcing in my mind one thing: Seth wasn’t lying.
“No. He is lying. I have never said that. It’s the opposite of what I want.” He attempts to take my arm, and I step back.
“How can he lie? I would know!” I choke on the words, and the realisation Seth could be right. That I’m dangerous. That they don’t trust me.
“Vee. How could I want to destroy you? I love you.”
I begin to tell him he’s lying, but can’t. The confusion and hurt on Ewan’s face isn’t a lie, and neither is his admission. I don’t move when he approaches me and holds my face hard in both large palms. Tears well in my eyes, building with the confusion causing the pressure in my head.
His breaths come in short bursts as he studies my face. “I can give you bullshit excuses about being scared what might happen to the five of us if we had sex, but that’s not the only reason.” His hands are rough against my skin, his words spoken in a desperate earnestness. “You told me you didn’t want to feel anything. You’d pulled all these emotions I was struggling to deal with out of me, then threw them back in my face. I thought you hurt me that evening, but saying these things now is worse, Vee... How can you think this?”
A tear escapes my eye and trails onto Ewan’s hand. He looks at his fingers in alarm. “I don’t know how Seth has managed to lie to you, but he has. Believe me.”
My throat thickens and head pounds because the words coming from Ewan’s mouth aren’t lies either. What the fuck is happening here? His face holds a truth I wish I’d never doubted. Did I doubt myself and that’s why I believed Seth?
“Then we need to find out how Seth could lie to me.”
“Oh yeah, wait until I get my hands on that fucker.”
I wipe my face with the back of a hand and smile weakly. “Not now, Ewan. We need to talk. We’ve left it long enough.”
Ewan slides his hand into my hair, thumb circling the nape of my neck and sending a shiver through me. "I don't want to destroy you, Vee. I want to love you—to have you love me. But for the first time the future frightens me, and it’s holding me back."
“Why?”
“Because you came from nowhere, what happens if you leave once you’ve fulfilled whatever you’re here to do? I couldn’t cope if...” He inhales sharply and rests his forehead on mine. “If you left again, you would tear me apart. It would destroy me.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I whisper.
Ewan tightens his grip on my hair, forehead still on mine. We’re together, but he’s still so far, no longer looking into my eyes. “How can you be sure?”
I pull away and move his face, forcing him to look at me. “Because the four of you complete me, and I don’t just mean because of the powers. We’re stronger together, and I’m stronger because of you all. I love you deeply, Ewan. This between us all is so much more than supernatural connections. You guys will do anything to keep me safe, and I will kill anybody who tries to come between us.”
His eyes widen. “Whoa. Vee.”
The words shock me too, but they’re wired into me somehow.
“You’d do the same, for any of us,” I reply.
“I guess.”
I shake my head at his hesitancy. “It’s too late for anybody to do anything now. How could they destroy someone who holds every single power each Horseman has? Why else would people search for me and want to stop me being with you?””
Ewan’s eyes meet mine, and we share the same thought. Do I? Because I don’t share Heath’s life-giving, and I’ve never experienced Ewan’s. I don’t think my computer skills are the power he shares with me.
We both know there’s only one way we can discover if I can.
“I belong here, with all of you. I’m part of you all, and nothing could ever tear us apart now we’re together. Nothing.”
Ewan runs his finger along my cheek, his concerned eyes darkening with an intent that flips my stomach. All I want is his lips and his hands on me, to be in his arms tonight and feel the love he told me he’s holding back. Forget Seth. Forget demons. Forget the craziness outside this room. Right now, this needs to be about us.
“I can prove everything I’m telling you, Vee,” he says hoarsely. “I want to so fucking much.”