He was dying.
Tank walked across the grass to join Shaggy on the clubhouse steps. His body followed directions, but he was empty inside.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Shaggy shifted to the side to make room, and Tank sat beside him.
“Riding.”
“Riding? When your best friend is leaving the club and you’ll probably never see him again?”
“Yeah.” He rested his elbows on his knees, dropped his hands, stared at the gravel, wondered if the black hole in his chest would eventually suck him up and put him out of his misery. “I couldn’t say good-bye.”
He tensed, waiting for one of Shaggy’s sarcastic or cutting remarks, but his brother gave a sympathetic murmur instead. “Maybe you shoulda gone with them.”
“And leave the MC?” He patted his cut. “I made a commitment when I put on this cut. This is my home. These are my brothers. This is my life.”
“So was he.”
Tank bristled. “It’s not like that. Not like what he has with Naiya. I don’t love him. I like women.”
“There’s different kinds of love,” Shaggy said. “I had a brother once. Loved him to death. He died a long time ago when he miscalculated a hairpin turn on the Going-To-The-Sun Road in Glacier National Park, and his motorcycle went over the cliff. Ever since then, I’ve felt like a part of me is missing.”
Tank twisted his hands together. He’d felt like a part of him was missing until he met Holt. And after Viper took Holt, he’d felt lost. Now, Holt was back, but gone, and Tank felt nothing but pain.
“You want my advice?” Shaggy stroked his chin, as if he’d forgotten he cut off his beard. Tank still couldn’t get used to seeing him without it.
“No.”
“Too fucking bad, ’cause I’m gonna give it to you anyway. I didn’t live through all those years of biker shit to keep all my learning to myself.” Shaggy leaned in close, as if he was about to share a secret. “Follow your heart.”
“Christ.” Tank reared back, his hand clenching into a fist. “You making fun of me, Shag, ’cause I got energy to burn and your smooth baby face will make a nice target.”
“I’m serious.” Shaggy held up his hands, palms forward. “I made a fucking mistake twenty two years ago. I chose to follow the club instead of following my heart and now I’ll stay with the club till I die. But I guarantee if you stay here when part of you belongs out there, you’ll wind up a fucking bitter man like me.”
“I’ve got no skills to make it in the real world,” Tank protested.
“You’re damn good with your hands. You understand engines and mechanics. If we didn’t already have a road chief, you woulda been a natural to look after the bikes. You just never had the confidence to put yourself forward.”
Tank felt a strange feeling in his stomach, a flutter of hope. “He doesn’t need me. He’s got Naiya.”
“He needs you both. She’s his heart, but you’re part of his soul. He waited here as long as he could. Even when they drove away, he was looking over his shoulder for you.”
“Jagger will never let me go.” Tank threw the last of his fears on the table, held his breath.
“He already did.”
Tank’s head jerked up. “What do you mean?”
“The board met when you were trying to ride your sorrows away. I put a motion forward that we release you on good terms if you wanted to go. The motion passed. It was unanimous. Every man in that room wished he had the kind of friendship you and T-Rex share. No one wants to keep you apart.”
Hope flared in Tank’s chest. “Where’s Jagger?”
“Waiting for you inside. He’s got a place for your cut. Right beside T-Rex’s where it’s meant to be. But you’d better hurry. They’ve got a twenty minute head start, and I’m not sure which road they’ll take when they reach the end of town.”
“Thanks, man.” He jumped to his feet, and Shaggy held out a small velvet bag.
“Take this. When Naiya and Holt get around to having a baby, you leave it in the cradle. Don’t tell them it’s from me.”
Tank studied the bag but made no move to take it. He’d suspected Shaggy had some connection to Naiya when they first met—a feeling that had become stronger when Shaggy always seemed to be around when she was there. “Why don’t you give it to them yourself?”
“Some mistakes can’t be undone.”
“But some can,” Tank said, sliding his cut over his shoulders. “And I’m going to undo one now. Keep it, brother. Give it to them yourself. If I can give up my cut for friendship, you can unburden your heart for love.”
THIRTY-TWO
Holt slowed his bike and stopped in the parking lot beside the charred remains of Big Bill’s Custom Bikes and Paint Shop on the Conundrum border. This was where it all began, where he’d offered himself to Viper in exchange for Evie’s life.