“Merc,” Mom snaps, her hands twisting in her lap, her lips white. “Language.”
“Fuck language. Fuck Ross.” Merc shoots to his feet, his face stony. “You should have told us, Mom. You should have fucking told us, and we should have left this fucking town ages ago.”
We all watch open-mouthed as Merc, sweet Merc, storms out of the living room.
Then Mom starts to cry. I’ve never seen or heard mom cry before, and it’s a knife to my gut. Gigi shoots me a glance that’s a mixture between this-is-all-your-fault and do-something!
“Mom…” I start but don’t know what to say. I get up and go to sit beside her on the loveseat, take her hands in mine. “Mom. Listen…”
Gigi sits on Mom’s other side, leans her head on Mom’s shoulder. “It’s all true, then?”
Mom nods, sniffles. “I was in love. I thought he was, too. With me.”
“He was married,” I say softly. “He was having an affair with you.”
“He said he was leaving his wife. How was I to know it wouldn’t happen? Every time I got pregnant he said he’d sent the papers to his lawyer, and then… nothing. After that, I thought it was better not to have him involved in our lives at all.”
Oh Mom… I put my arms around her, like I’d done with Matt earlier. She loved Jasper. Maybe still does. And although Jasper is an asshole, who knows how he was with her? Who knows how love works?
Didn’t I fall in love with Matt while he acted like a douchebag, hurting my feelings, shutting me out? I thought I caught a glimpse of the man he is underneath it all, and I was hooked.
Was I right? Am I seeing him clearly?
He hasn’t asked me out. Hasn’t told me he cares about me. I mean, we barely know each other. Not his fault I’ve fallen like this for him. He’s the first guy I’ve slept with, the first guy I’ve had feelings for, and they’re so deep I’m not sure I can let in another.
Does he feel it, too, or will he dump me at the first chance he gets just like Jasper did with my mom?
Mom doesn’t ask me anything about Matt, about how I hugged him and how we held hands as I recounted the story of the attack.
She probably feels so out of sorts with the revelations about Jasper Jones that she couldn’t muster up the energy to demand full disclosure, or to tell me I should stop seeing him immediately.
Not that mom is like that normally. She’s pretty quiet and easygoing.
Still, keeping in mind that this is my boss, and older than me, with kids of his own, I’d expected to be told in no uncertain terms that I should quit and keep away from him.
I wonder if she could tell that we slept together. She’s one of those moms who can smell such things in the air, without needing their kids to fess up.
Anyway, Mom hasn’t breathed a word about it, instead going up to her room, and I’m left with Gigi, who has no compunction whatsoever to interrogate me.
“So when were you going to tell us you’re dating that man?” She rolls on top of her bed, dragging on her pink PJs.
“Matt? I thought you knew.” I’m playing it cool, and truth is, I’d been hoping to avoid the questions until tomorrow. I’m beat.
“I kinda guessed.” She scrunches up her nose. “It’s the way you kept talking about him, and his kids. Like, Matt… oh God, Matt…” She sighs and moans, and I laugh, then throw a pillow at her.
“Shut up. I don’t do that.”
“No?” She uses the pillow I threw at her to snuggle, wiggling her bare toes. Her nails are painted a hot red. “Hm. What happened to the cute neighbor, Adam?”
“Nothing. I don’t really like him. Told you.”
“Why not?”
I shrug.
“He’s really cute, in that I-am-totally-handsome-and-innocent-but also-banging-every-girl-in-the-vicinity kind of way.”
I shudder. “Ugh. How awesome.”
“Hey, don’t knock the look. Or is it because he’s so different from Matt Hansen The Beast?”
“He’s not like that.” I once thought he was, too. Not so long ago, in fact, just a few weeks back, when I first met him. With that dark beard and brows, the messy, too long hair, the intense stare. “He’s not, Gigi. Matt is great.”
“You’re in love,” Gigi sighs.
Yeah, I can’t deny it. Not anymore.
She sits up, brows raised. “Shut up! You really are. Tati, oh my God.”
“What?” I say irritably.
“You’re not even trying to deny it. So… does this means it’s serious? With Matt? Isn’t he, like, too old for you?”
“He’s not even thirty.”
Gigi’s eye bug out. “Jesus, that’s old, girl. I mean…” She shakes her head. “You’ve only just turned eighteen.”
“It’s not much of a difference. When you’re an adult, a few years up or down don’t mean anything.”
“Oh right, you’re an adult now, I forget.” The sisterly ribbing and snark is back, and it’s a relief.
Besides, yeah, I am. I’m a woman now. And not a virgin anymore, either, which makes me smile, even if I’m still smarting over how my first time with Matt ended.
He did apologize. But guess what has been eating me up inside all this time? Yeah. And here I thought I didn’t need to talk about it.
I thought wrong. I mean, I understand why he reacted the way he did. That he was shocked, and not sure he could be with someone yet.
But I can’t ignore the little voice that questions whether he’s ready now.
And that’s exactly what I need to talk to him about. I don’t want to push him. I understand that he’s only just coming to terms with his wife’s passing, that he tried to hide from the pain, tried to let it out with his blood, with his anger.
I just want to know if he will give this, give us, a chance. If we are together, even if he’s unsure. If he’ll take a dive into the unknown with me.
“Still can’t believe you’d pass over Adam,” Gigi is muttering, braiding her hair and grabbing her tattered copy of Anne of Green Gables. She sleeps with that book, seriously. “Did you notice I put a condom in your purse in case he makes a move on you?”
“You serious right now? Where did you get a condom?”
“Bought it in the drugstore, like every normal human being.”
“Gigi, you’re only seventeen. What do you think people will say?”
“Hey, you’re banging your boss, and you’re worried about gossip? Come on.” Ignoring the heat flooding my face, she goes on, “I’m floored at your choice, Sis. Adam is seriously the hottest guy to ever walk the streets of this town.”
“Why, are you after Adam?” I ask, suddenly curious. When she sniffs disdainfully, I can’t explain the relief that fills me at her lack of interest in the guy, since I’m not interested in him myself. “Whatever happened to Quinn?”
“Pfff.” She lies on her stomach under the covers, turning the pages of the book. “Quinn is a whiny little boy who doesn’t know what he wants. Maybe I need a real man like Matt, too.”
She says that deadpan. Didn’t she say mere minutes ago that Matt is way too old for me?