She sighs. “Humor me. Look, Ash told me he found Zane in a drunken stupor on Sunday and had to force him to eat and drink. So pardon me if I want to know if he’s doing better now.”
Drunken stupor? My feet take me to the sofa—where only a few nights ago he made me come so hard I saw stars and then left like a man possessed by demons—and I sink into the soft leather. When Tessa pours me a shot glass of the sweet liqueur, I take it without protest.
Was he drunk because of his sister? Or because of the flashback he had with me?
“Well, today he looked okay,” I say, sipping, feeling the lemony goodness slide down my throat, warming me. “How is his sister?”
“Nobody knows.” Tessa pours herself a glass and sits down next to me. “Zane won’t tell us about her. Ash tried to get him to talk but couldn’t get anything out of him.”
Shit. I raise the glass to my lips, when Tessa makes a grab for my wrist. The liqueur sloshes over my fingers, and I yelp. “What the hell?”
“He drew on you again.”
“Yeah.” I’d forgotten about it, caught in all that came next. My body tightens at the memory. “He likes doing that. It relaxes him.”
“Are you frigging kidding me?” Tessa’s nails dig into my palm, and I flinch. “Are we talking about Zane? The same guy who never glances at the same girl twice? Who never gives his phone number and never kisses? And he just draws stuff on you to relax every other day?”
I jerk my hand out of her grip. “What do you want?”
She shakes her blond head and sprawls back on the sofa. Her short blue dress shimmers like her eyes. “I want to protect him from more pain.”
“I won’t hurt him, Tessa.”
“He’s getting attached to you. He never gets attached to girls he sleeps with.” Her eyes narrow. “He did sleep with you, didn’t he? I saw the hickey he left on you the other day. Hickeys and drawings. Damn.”
I put the shot glass on the table and lick the sweet, sticky liquid from my fingers. “He kissed me,” I whisper.
“The hell he did.” Tessa snorts and swallows the rest of her liqueur. She toys with the small glass.
I rub the drawing on my hand. It’s another bird, as I thought it would be. Looks like a dove, but it has a skull etched behind its head, like the moth tattoo on my back. Inked lines circle my fingers like rings, and I turn my hand over.
Oh shit.
“He wouldn’t kiss anyone,” Tessa is muttering, but when I finally look up, I see her eyes are wide. “Oh God, he did, didn’t he? He kissed you.”
I nod, my thoughts chasing each other. Uncertain, I stretch out my arm, showing her my palm. “Tessa, is this…?” I bite my lip again, as my heart does a dance in my chest, stomping on my ribs. “Tell me.”
She gasps, then laughs, and finally covers her mouth with her hand. “It is,” she says, the words muffled. “I’ll be damned. It’s Zane’s phone number.”
Chapter Nine
Zane
What scares you?
I’m trying to scream, but I can’t. I’m kneeling on a bed, and someone is behind me, a hand pressed over my mouth. My back hurts. It hurts so bad. The pain tears through me like a claw. Black edges my vision.
“Don’t make a sound,” a voice says, and another shadow approaches from the side. He climbs on the bed with me, and the hand leaves my mouth. Still the scream won’t leave my throat. It’s as if it died inside me.
He grabs my chin, pulls my mouth open and stuffs a bunched-up piece of cloth in it. I choke on it and start to cough. It makes my whole body scream with pain. It’s as if I’m being torn apart.
The other man lights a cigarette and sucks in the smoke. Then he reaches behind my neck and stubs it into my skin.
I scream and scream into the gag, tears blurring my vision, and finally, mercifully, everything bleeds into darkness.
No.
I come awake with a jolt, my stomach churning, bile rising in my throat. Falling out of bed, I scramble into the bathroom and lift the lid of the toilet just in time before I puke my guts out.
Holy fucking shit. Goddamn triggers.
Finally, I pull back and wipe my mouth on my arm, slide back and lean against the cold wall. Fuck…
Against my better judgment, I reach up and touch the burn scars on my back. I swear they hurt like a bitch, although I know for a fact they are old. Very old. Pretty sure I was a kid when I got them.
The dream haunts me, and I try not to think about it too much. I know that dreams aren’t exact memories. I’ve had this one before, and it’s never exactly the same. Though this time it was clearer. More real. The pain still courses through me, enough that I reach back to rub the scars again.
I need to get out of this pit. This dream was the last thing I needed, and I know what triggered it.
Kissing. There’s a damn good reason I don’t kiss, and now I’ve broken yet another rule, and I’m paying for it. I should have seen it coming.
Kissing Dakota.
I drop my head back as the memory of her body under my hands rushes back. The taste of her lips, the sweet smell of her arousal, the tremors going through her slender body… The sounds she made while I fucked her mouth with my tongue…
Hot damn.
My dick twitches, and I push down on it with my hand. My body is willing, but my head still isn’t in the right place. I rub my face as the images from the dream crowd in again. The hands. The smell of burning cigarettes and scorched flesh. The blinding pain.
Too fucked up.
Kissing her felt damn good, so why’s my brain turning on the bad shit? I don’t want to remember my past. I want to live now. Make out with Dakota. I want to give in and trust her, get over my shit and have a chance with her.
Christ, listen to yourself, Zane. You think kissing her means you’re now married or something? That she’s your girlfriend? Jesus, you go berserk and scare the crap out of her on a regular basis. She sure tried, keeping still, letting you fuck her, kiss her… Doesn’t mean she wants more of it.
Right? How am I supposed to know? Never been here before.
What was I thinking? Giving her my number. Kissing her. Telling her about the memories. Letting her get closer than anyone before.
I groan, digging the heels of my hands into my eyes. I set myself up for this trap. I never wanted a girl to come after me, and now I can’t stop chasing after her, hoping she wants to stick around despite everything.
Hope is a bitch. This is a train wreck waiting to happen, and I don’t think life insurance covers this sort of thing.
Nothing can.
I’ve just finished a tattoo, a Maori-style eagle with spread wings that reminds me of Dakota and the drawings I make on her skin, when my cell vibrates with a text message.
Pulling off my gloves, I set about cleaning my tools and tidying up my work space. It’s late, and I’m beat. No clue how I’ll last the rest of the week—and the idea of the weekend scares the living shit out of me.
My hands shake, and I stare at the ink stains on them.
How long until you break?
Only I can’t. Not allowed to. Can’t afford it. Emma can’t afford it. I can’t let her down, not now.