I drop to my knees, screaming as I watch the flames erupt all over the one woman I love more than anything in the world, devouring her. I cry out in agony, my arms wrapped tight over my head and pulling it down, trying to block what I just saw. It can’t be true. It can’t.
“Oh my God, I killed her. I killed my Beth. No!” I scream as loud and as long as I can, trying to make the Heavens hear me so they can fix this. “Oh, God, please don’t let this be real… Oh, God! Baby… mi cielo… What have I done? W-What have I done??” I just keep repeating the words as the sobs rack my body. “What have I done?”
Three Days Later
I sit on the pier, the same spot I’ve been sitting every day since I destroyed my world. Bottle in hand, I watch the water and try to decide if I shouldn’t just jump in and join Beth. I feel so cold… so motherfucking cold that I could swear I’m dying, piece by fucking piece. Beth brought out the man I had forgotten I was, the man mi madre raised. She held the darkness, the beast down inside, at bay. Strangely enough, her death has silenced him. He’s just another part of me that’s rotted away.
I raise the bottle to my mouth to take another drink and find it’s empty. I toss it into the water, then bring a hand to Beth’s locket. I’ve cleaned it, but since then, I haven’t taken it off. I never will. It’s a reminder of what I had… and destroyed.
The area where the yacht was has been taped off with yellow and black caution tape that reads “Do Not Cross”. It didn’t stop me. I went through every inch of the remains, whatever was left. The rest had either disintegrated during the explosion or sank down to the bottom of the ocean. No bodies were found. The coroner said they may never find them. I wanted to believe that meant Beth was still alive, but that would be impossible. I saw the explosion. I saw the way it rocked her body and how the flames… ignited and swallowed her. I still see it. Every time I close my fucking eyes, I see it. It haunts me.
“Boss?”
“I’m nobody’s boss,” I tell Torch, not bothering to turn around and acknowledge him.
“The club needs you. There’s… things we need to figure out.”
“There’s nothing to figure out anymore, Torch. Nothing matters. The only thing that ever mattered is gone and there’s no one to blame but me.”
“That’s not true, boss. There’s a person to blame. Redmond.”
The name alone makes hate coil up inside of me, but I don’t hate that bastard half as much as I hate myself. Colin either, for that matter. They weren’t the ones who acted so carelessly with Beth’s life. They weren’t the ones who not only failed to protect her, but… killed her.
I killed her.
“Boss, something has happened,” Torch tries again. He’s ruining the numbness the alcohol has helpfully lent. I need to be numb right now. I need to be alone.
“I told you, I’m not your motherfucking boss. I’m done. Ask Pistol. He wanted the fucking job, he can have it.” Shit, I should have given it to him sooner. I should have just grabbed Beth and left. I should have put her first above everything else. I was so fucking cocky, playing the big shot, bringing my club into a war, putting everyone’s lives on the line…
I look down at my hands. They look the same; normal, even. But I know they’re not. I may not be able to physically see it, but my hands are stained with so much blood that they will never be clean again. My club members, Cade’s men, Diesel’s men, Annabelle, and now my Beth… Everyone but the fucking people I was after. I was a fucking fool.
“Boss, Colin wants to meet.”
“Colin can go fuck himself,” I tell him, squinting against the sun that picks right now to glare off of the water.
“Boss, he wants our help.”
“Will you just go the fuck away? Don’t you get it? I don’t give a fuck about the club anymore. I don’t give a fuck about Colin! I just don’t give a fuck. I want to lie here on this damn pier and pass out. Then, when I wake up, I plan on drinking another bottle.” Rinse and repeat.
“That’s not what Beth would want from you. That’s not what she deserves from you.”
I hate him. I fucking hate him. His words dive through the alcohol haze and tear into the wounds inside that are still bleeding, the wounds that will never heal. Fueled by anger, I pull myself up with ease, which is surprising considering how drunk-off-my-ass I am. Remaining standing isn’t quite as easy, but I grab both of Torch’s shoulders to aid me. My hands bite into him cruelly as I force him to take my weight. He goes back a couple of steps, but manages to keep his balance.
“Beth isn’t here!” I shout. “Beth’s dead and I killed her! She deserved to never know me! I destroyed her! Don’t tell me what she would want. Don’t tell me what I should do! I know what she deserved… I know! Every fucking breath I take…”
“Boss, listen to me…”
“I killed her, Torch. I killed her. She was everything good in the world. She was my world and I was careless. I was so fucking careless.”