And there was more, of course. She was falling for him, undeniably. She wanted more than he’d been prepared to offer, and more than she even knew if she was prepared to admit. Not without knowing the darker details of the past he seemed ready to leave behind.
And I have to tell him, before my heart wanders too far off to ever call back. Before Mercy, none of it would have mattered. But before Mercy, Abilene’s own best interests had never much mattered to her.
“I have something I need to say to you,” she said as their bodies cooled. Neither had spoken in ten minutes or more, and already her voice had gone a little shaky.
He must have noticed, as he moved immediately, sitting up cross-legged beside her. Abilene did the same, pulling the blanket over their laps.
“What is it?”
“I’m nervous,” she admitted.
He smiled. “So am I now, but that’s okay. You can tell me anything.”
She looked to her hands, took a final, deep breath, and leapt. “Well, I, um . . . I like you. You have to know that by now, the way things have been. But what we both decided before, about how it can’t be anything serious . . .”
She couldn’t read his face, but she knew he was hanging on her every word.
“I don’t know if that’s still what I want,” she admitted. “I think maybe I’m in danger of wanting more. And I think if we keep going like we have been, and sleeping together, I’m going to get myself into a position where I might get my heart broken.”
After a long pause, he finally spoke. “Wow. Okay.” Was that shock in his voice? Awe? Sheer terror?
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” she said.
“I’m thinking nobody’s ever made me feel half as flattered as you just did,” he said, smiling still but looking nervous, too. “But if you’re going to be that honest, I better be, too. I don’t know what I want. Wait—no, that’s not entirely true. I don’t know what I’m capable of, I guess. Even knowing my mental health is stable, I’m afraid to promise more than I’m used to delivering on. Because it’s different, with a baby in the picture.”
She nodded. “It is. And I’m not exactly sure what I want, either.” She drew her spine up straight and did something she wasn’t accustomed to—she made a demand of the man she was sleeping with. “Before I could ever know if what I want from you is a future, I’d have to know what it is you’ve been up to, since you left Fortuity. What you were doing in Texas.”
He swallowed. “I’m not sure I could tell you that.”
That brought a frown to her lips. “It was illegal; that much is obvious. And if you don’t think you want anything serious, of course you don’t need to say. But if you ever thought maybe you did, I’d have to know. I’ve gotten real good at ignoring red flags, but I can’t do that, now that Mercy’s here. I thought at first, I just couldn’t fall for another man with a criminal record. But you seem like you’ve changed, like you said, and I’m starting to wonder if maybe I could get past that.”
“I have changed. Or I’m starting to. Trying to.”
Abilene nodded, feeling hopeful. She’d forgiven James a lot, and he’d hurt people. For all she knew, he may have killed people, and if not, she had little doubt that the weapons he ran would have managed the crime by proxy. There was no way Casey was a hit man or a rapist or a sex trafficker or anything truly heinous. He used to care about money, a lot. So a thief, maybe? A counterfeiter? A criminal of some sort, she imagined, but not a violent one. She trusted that. Sensed it. And he couldn’t scare her off. Not unless . . .
“It’s not about drugs, is it?”
He shook his head. “Nothing to do with drugs.”
She sighed inside, relieved beyond measure. That was the only deal breaker she could think of. Anything else he might’ve been in his old life—scam artist, bank robber, porn star—she assured herself that she could take in stride.
“Okay. Good.”
“But it’s tricky, honey. If I told you what I’ve done, you’d have all the information you’d need to get me put away for the rest of my life.”
Her bubble promptly burst.