He didn't say anything. I limped to the nearest bedroom I could see. It already had a couple making out on it, who looked alarmed when I came in.
"Go! Shoo! This is Fitz Blackthorn I'm carrying," I hissed at them, knowing nothing else short of the Blackthorn name would get two horny teenagers to move from their chosen love nest. Sure enough, all hesitance on their faces evaporated when they heard his name, and they inched out of the room. I laid Fitz on the bed and closed the door behind me. There was a small bathroom, and a glass for toothbrushes, but it was empty. I filled it with water and sat him up against the backboard.
"Come on, drink."
"No." He pursed his lips.
"Don't make me bring Burn down here."
"I don't care. I don't wanna drink."
"Fine. Then I'll go get Wolf."
This made him grimace harder, and he finally opened his lips and took a sip. He coughed, and when I was satisfied he’d drank enough, I put the glass down. We were quiet, Fitz sulking and me watching the water in the glass.
“I don’t get it,” Fitz suddenly said.
“Get what?”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “You’ve got it way worse than me. You work hard, you actually study. You’re poor – don’t give me that look, I’m just being a realist. You’ve got a sick Dad and it puts a lot of stress on your family, I bet. So why don’t you – ugh.”
“Use your words,” I teased him.
“What do you even do for fun?” His green eyes were confused. “What do you do to let off steam? You didn’t party until, like, a week ago, and even then you didn’t drink or dance or – or – anything! How do you deal with it? All the shit in your head?”
“Is that why you do drugs?”
He nodded. “The world is like a ball of needles and I’m the fucking pincushion, and it’s the only way I can stop the pain. Or, it’s the only way that works. Trust me, I’ve tried everything else – booze just makes it worse. Girls just make it worse.”
“But you do those, anyway.”
“It’s just convenience – they’re there, I’m there, we’re both there drunk. Might as well. It’s just stupid flings with nothing meaningful behind it. Which is why I guess I’m – I’m so gung-ho about you and Wolf.” He exhaled. “If you two got together it would be like…maybe the world wasn’t so shitty after all.”
He sat up, crossing his legs and turning his full attention to me.
“But you still haven’t answered my question. How do you deal with it? Are you a robot?”
I laughed. “I wish. Then things would be a lot better. And math would probably be a lot easier. The only downside is I’d never able to swim again.”
“You’re avoiding the question.” His eyes were serious. I threw up my hands.
“Fine. You caught me. I never dealt with it. I’d bury myself in psych textbooks and homework and those would sort of, numb me I guess? It’s easy to busy your mind with stuff so much that it forgets to feel, you know?”
He shook his head, curly hair flying. “No. I don’t know. I feel everything all the time forever. In excruciating detail.”
I put my hand on his. “If it makes you feel better I came to this party to get away from the bullshit at home. I guess I reached a breaking point, because here I am, the scholarshipper with no life, no fancy clothes, no dancing skills.”
“Yeah, actually, now that you mention it you definitely stand out a little,” He smirked, sarcastically eyeing my giant gray hoodie and messy hair. I was quiet. What was I even doing here? I needed to be home. I needed to broker the peace. Dad and Mom were probably tearing each other’s throats out, and when it was over Dad would feel so awful and Mom would take off, and he’d be alone with his self-hating thoughts – I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t go back. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t be the fixer, anymore. If I had to put on a fake smile one more time and lie to Dad that it was going to be fine, I’d crumble. My heart ached, like a mirror with a deep crack in it, ready to fall apart at any moment. But if I didn’t go back, what was all this for? What was Lakecrest, NYU, all my studying for? What was this whole spying for Mr. Blackthorn and lying to the brothers for? It would be wasted. I was doing all this exactly for moments like this – to help Dad. To keep his depression from consuming him. If I came home, and he’d hurt himself – I came back to reality only to see Fitz taking a tiny baggie out of his pocket. Inside sat two small white pills. He saw me staring and smirked.
“My other pill was four hours ago. It’s time to refresh.”
“Fitz –“
“Don’t, Bee. Please. I need them. I need them tonight more than ever. I know what I’m doing – I’ve done worse than this before. So just trust me, okay? Let me deal with my shit in my own way.”
“Burn said –“
“Burn doesn’t know shit,” Fitz snapped. “About what it’s like. He runs off into the woods, or to the ocean, or the mountains, somewhere no one can find him, or talk to him –” He flinched. “He’s never there when you need him. He’s abandoned me and Wolf too many times for me to give a crap about what he’s said. He thinks I’m an addict. And maybe I am, but at least I’m not a loner who can’t handle being there for his younger brothers!”
“Whoa,” I lowered my voice. “Okay. Hey, it’s okay. I didn’t mean it like that.”
Fitz massaged his brow. “God. I know. I know you didn’t. I’m just….I’m just pissed at him.”
There was a silence. I couldn’t help the images of Dad’s bleeding, broken body flashing through my mind. Mom’s bags packed as she left, divorcing him. My parents never speaking to each other again. My brain warred with my heart, and my heart warred with my soul, leaving craters and burnt land in its wake.
My eyes fell on the pills in Fitz’s hand. I watched him down one with water, and he saw me staring.
“You – you wouldn’t happen to want one of these, would you?”
“I’m not – I’ve never –“
“Well I’ve done it a lot,” Fitz said. “I know what to look for, what the danger signs are. And I’ll be right here with you.”