“Yeah, that’s not what I meant,” Natalie said.
“Oh?”
“I meant how is Archie, in the biblical sense?”
I sputtered. “What? Why? What?”
“Smooth, real smooth, Nat,” Roxie muttered.
Natalie sat up in her chair. “Hey, I would’ve said what’s it like to fuck that guy, but it’s Easter, so I made it about the Bible.”
“Now, just wait a minute,” I snapped. “What are you two up to?”
“That’s funny, I was going to ask you the exact same question.” Natalie cackled, leaning back in her chair and almost upending herself.
“We just, that is, me and Natalie, we just wondered . . .” Roxie said, trailing off and waggling her eyebrows.
I let her keep doing it for a moment simply because she looked like she was having some kind of fit. “I’d love for you to just ask your question,” I finally said, putting her out of her misery.
“Are you and Archie up here fluffing the pillows every night or what?” Natalie asked.
“No.”
“No?” they both asked.
“No, we are not fluffing anything.”
“Bullshit,” Roxie said, and I looked at her in surprise. It was usually Natalie I could count on for the bullshit in a china shop attitude. “Bull. Shit.”
“What is it you want me to say, huh?” I asked, staring down into my cocktail. I could feel both of them staring at me, so it made me very interested in my olive.
“That you’ve been making sweet, sweet hotel love since you showed up on his mountaintop,” Roxie said.
“That you’ve been riding him but good since you showed up on his mountaintop,” Natalie added.
“Neither. And that’s the truth.”
Roxie started, “But—”
I cut her off. “There is something going on, yes.” Natalie clapped and almost lost her balance again. “But before anyone starts tap dancing, may I remind you of a few things? One, I’m leaving. Not now, but eventually. Two, I’m leaving because this is my job, and he’s my boss, and I’ll thank you both to stop clapping and rocking back and forth in your chairs, going on and on about sweet love and riding his mountaintop because I work here. Three, his wife died. It’s been a few years, sure, but they were together since time was invented and that’s not something he’s going to get over anytime soon. He still wears his wedding ring, in case you didn’t notice, and how can I compete with that? Four, I positively adore him and he’s the best kisser ever and I want to fuck the ever-loving mountain out of him, and if either of you say anything else I’ll kick you in the colon.” I drained my glass. “And I am positively and one hundred percent fucked.”
“Whoa, just, hang on a second. So something is going on, but you haven’t . . .” Natalie made a very specific motion with her finger.
“No, that hasn’t happened.” I sighed, reaching over and taking Roxie’s Bloody Mary since mine was now empty. “But you guys . . . shit. He’s just . . . shit.”
“Clara, sweetie, I know you don’t like to open up and talk about this stuff, but we’re gonna need some actual words other than shit,” Roxie said.
“Okay, how about these. Awesome. Incredible. Mind-blowing. Frustrating. Pretentious. Obnoxious.” I paused and took a breath. “Freckles.”
“Freckles?” Natalie asked.
I nodded. “Fucking hell, the freckles drive me crazy. I want to count them and then kiss him that many times.”
“Oh my God,” Roxie said, putting her hand over her mouth.
“Don’t,” I warned quietly.
“But Clara, oh my God,” she continued to say through muffling fingers.
“Don’t say it,” I repeated.
“You fucking love this guy,” Natalie said, taking another bite out of her celery.
“Goddammit.” I sighed, leaning back in my rocking chair. “This conversation is over.”
“Like hell it is, because, news flash? That guy fucking loves you back,” Natalie said.
“It doesn’t matter because, wait, what?”
“He totally does.”
I shook my head. “How could you possibly know that?”
“Did you just meet me? Do you have any idea how many men have fallen in love with me over the years? You don’t think I know what a man in love looks like?” She leaned back in her own rocking chair, tugging at a piece of celery stuck in her teeth. “That guy right there loves you. And if you love him, I just don’t get it.”
My mind was reeling. What she said, what both of them said, could I? Could he? Could . . . shit. No. NO! My palms sweaty and my heart beating in my ears, I turned to my friends. “You don’t get it, okay. It can’t happen, it just, don’t you see, it can’t happen.”
Roxie leaned forward, concern in her eyes. “Why can’t this happen, why can’t you have this?”
My throat suddenly felt like it was squeezing shut. “You can’t understand because until Leo came along, you didn’t give a damn about falling in love. You thought it was bullshit, that it was a waste of time, that it was for suckers. And you, Nat, you literally left a trail of men behind you, wasted in love with you as you moved on to the next guy. Now, am I pleased as fucking punch that you’ve found the loves of your lives? Of course, because you deserve it, both of you, I’m so happy for you, but neither one of you ever got fucking left in your life, and you don’t know what that feels like. You don’t, Roxie, because you never took a chance before Leo and you don’t, Natalie, because you made sure you never got in too deep with anyone. So neither of you were ever left behind, thrown out like trash, all alone. I have a job, a job that I love and is my life, my entire life. I won’t ever put myself in a position to be left again, which is why I can’t afford to fall in love, goddammit, so please, don’t push this on me, okay?”
Tears had sprung into my eyes somewhere between pleased and as fucking punch and I brushed them angrily away. “I love you guys, I do, but it doesn’t matter what I feel or might feel or could feel for Archie because I just can’t let myself do it.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mrs. Toomey and one of the pastry chefs waving at me frantically. I sighed, pushed my way out of the rocking chair, and looked at the two of them, silent for once. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta see a man about some buns.”
“Wait a minute,” Roxie said, grabbing my arm just before I could run off.
“I have to go,” I whispered, balancing right on the edge of a knife here.
“You’re right, you know, I did everything I could to make sure I never fell in love, I put up walls and hid behind them, only letting a guy over that wall for a night or two, and only then if I knew it was someone I could never get serious about. And yeah, Natalie broke a couple of hearts over the years—”