“Partly from watching you with Hyde today and partly from being around all those happy couples at the party yesterday. I miss my life. I miss my sister. I miss being able to hug Rowdy without having a panic attack. I want to be around for those babies and weddings. I want to be a part of my family again, so that means I need to learn how to be alone and be okay with it. I need to take control so that at some point in my life I can willingly give it up to the right person.” She pointed a finger at me and wiggled it in a circle. “And you, you need to learn how to not be alone. You need to take the risk on that boy and on his daddy. You love so much more than your mother, and you have to know that you have so much more to offer this world than the person your father tried to mold you into. Let the way those boys love you and the way you love them be what defines you, Sayer. Be that woman, not the one your dad wanted you to be.”
“Uh . . .” I wasn’t sure what to say to her, but when she wrapped her arms around me and gave me the first real hug she had ever offered up since moving in, I couldn’t do anything else but hug her back as we silently cried together. We did deserve to be brave, and we had survived so much. The marks that abuse had left on her were more visible and tangible than the marks a totally different kind of abuse had left on me. Both ran deep. Both hindered the way we lived and loved, but if she could overcome her circumstances, there was no reason I shouldn’t be able to do the same.
She pulled back and wiped a hand across her damp cheeks. “I’m going to ask Rowdy to help me get a car and I’m going to go back to work.” I must have looked shocked because she laughed a little bit. “It might not be tomorrow but soon. I’m also going to move out. I need to find my own place, which means you’ll have lots and lots of empty rooms.” She started out the door and looked over her shoulder at me. “Think about that.”
She wasn’t just swimming, she was paddling hard for the shore, and I needed to follow her lead. I was taking baby steps, and if I didn’t want to lose Zeb and Hyde forever, I needed to start making leaps and bounds instead.
“Sayer?” The door pushed open and Hyde wandered in rubbing his eyes. His bottom lip was sticking out and his lashes were slightly spiky, as if he had been crying, too.
“You all right, kiddo?” He shook his head no, so I sat down in one of the chairs in my office and let him crawl up into my lap. I stroked my fingers through his hair. He put his cheek on my chest and sniffled. “You want to tell me what’s wrong? You weren’t asleep for very long but did you have a bad dream?”
He shook his head no and his soft hair rubbed against my chin.
“Do you miss your dad? We can call him for a minute and check in if you do.”
Again he shook his head no and cuddled deeper into me.
“I’m out of ideas, buddy. You’re gonna have to help me out so I can help make it better, okay?”
He huddled even farther into me and put his arm around my side. His damp lashes fluttered back closed and he let out a breath. “You weren’t there. I opened my eyes and you weren’t there. I missed you.”
Jesus. If there was ever anything that the universe demanded that I be brave for, it was this little boy. There was no time to wallow in the past or fear the uncertainty of the future with those simple words soothing every single rough spot that was on my soul. Hyde didn’t care if I wasn’t all the way where I felt like I needed to be in order to be the kind of person he deserved in his life; he missed me because he cared about me. It made him cry because I was important to him and he trusted me. The stark truth in that pulled apart every thread that stitched my history together and unraveled the whole thing. He missed me and Zeb loved me.
The me that was awkward.
The me that was reserved.
The me that could be cold and detached.
The me that would try to make pancakes even though I didn’t know how.
The me that took no prisoners in court.
The me that tried to do the right thing for the wrong reasons.
The me that would have messy sex against a newly painted wall.
They cared about all the different versions of me and all of them were enough to make an entire person worthy of their love. I kissed Hyde on the temple. “I’m sorry I left you alone. Poppy wanted to talk to me, and I didn’t want to wake you up. I missed you, too, Hyde.”
“It’s okay.” And it was. It really was okay. For the first time in what felt like forever, things actually felt like they were going to be okay. I finally knew exactly what I wanted and how to go about getting it. It wasn’t going to happen overnight. I’d done a lot of damage to Zeb and his truth, but my foundation was finally steady, the ground under it secure. I still had some rubble to remove, but once it was all clear I was going to let him build whatever he wanted on the space.
Hyde took a real nap in my lap and woke up an hour later and wanted to go play outside. It took twenty minutes to get him into his hat and gloves, and once he was out there he realized it was really cold and wanted to come back inside. We ended up playing hide-and-seek and tic-tac-toe for hours until Zeb showed up in the early afternoon.
He seemed surprised that Hyde didn’t rush to greet him but instead pulled him into the kitchen to show him all the pictures he had drawn that I had put on the fridge. Hyde was chattering a mile a minute and Zeb was staring at me like I had two heads. I smiled at him as he scowled at me and somewhere in our standoff Hyde must have realized that he had lost the adults’ attention because he tugged on Zeb’s hand and whined, “Dad, you aren’t looking at my picture.”