“Shhhh, Rose, I’m so sorry. God I wish it wasn’t true. Sybil’s gone.”
The harder I fought to get away the tighter he held onto me. I couldn’t believe him, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t feel. He was wrong. I’d just left her last night.
“You’re wrong, she’s gonna be fine, she has to come back to me, she promised to always be there for me. She’s my best friend. She’s the only one I have. She’s my best friend; she promised me she wouldn’t leave me! Sybil, you fucking promised you’d never leave me!” I screamed against Shane’s chest as every part of me broke down.
“I’m so sorry,” Shane kept repeating.
Torn
Apart
In seconds . . .
The world had just fucked me all over again. Life bent me over the table and stripped me of the one last thing I held onto for any type of solace in my life. God in his cruel intentions saw how messed up my DNA was and pinned me for a life of complete fuckery. What entity would give a baby to my fucked up parents? Did God not see they belonged in the fiery pits of Lucifer’s basement?
It was God’s fault. My faith became nestled in the crumpled sidewalks as I sold my body to eat and have a roof over my head. He let me become nothing more than a fucking whore who couldn’t be loved or find love. God laughed at me and dangled Shane in my face. Maybe I thought somewhere buried deep, that Shane could be the one man I could create a future with. Now God’s punishing me for selling my body by taking my best friend from me. The only family I had. You’re cruel, God, so fucking violently cruel.
I couldn’t take the words that continued to echo through my mind, Sybil’s gone. I couldn’t believe what Shane had said to me. I never had a chance to say goodbye.
The muscles in my arms ached, feeling weightier than if they were cast in cement. I needed to breathe, I needed him to hear me without consoling me. I pushed and struggled until I was out of his embrace.
“Is she still up there? Where’s her body? I wanna see her. I wanna say goodbye!” I said with newfound determination.
“Rose, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Her family’s up with the doctors and nurses, discussing arrangements.”
“I don’t give a fuck.”
Then it hit me like a ton of concrete bricks. It all became crystal-clear. I didn’t have a right to say my last goodbyes to the only person who ever treated me like a sister. Suddenly, without a second’s notice, I didn’t belong to anyone anymore. In an instant, I wasn’t a part of any family, yet again.
“Oh, I see, they planted you down here, to stop the fucking whore roommate from goin’ up there. Now that Sybil’s family’s here I’m not worth a moment of grieving?”
He reached for me, I stumbled back, far enough away so he couldn’t grab me.
“No, it’s not like that. Rose, I wanted to catch you before you went up there. I wanted to be the one to tell you about Sybil. I wanted to protect you.”
“Protect me!”
“Yes.”
“Shut up!”
“Rose, I lo—”
“Don’t fucking say it! Don’t you dare fucking say it, you have no right! You lied to me . . . you lied!”
“I never lied to you!”
“You never told me you had a girlfriend, Shane! You took my heart, made me fall for you, with your roses and Cajun food, laundry and lollipops, you’re the worst, because you made me fall for you even when I never gave you any part of my body, never shared something that anyone else could get for the right amount of money.”
“Stop, Rose.”
“Don’t you see you were something special to me, Shane? You were something different than any other man in my life. I fought so hard trying not to give you my heart, tried so hard not to open the ironclad lock, because I knew I’d get hurt. But you found the key, you found my weakness and exploited it for your own needs. Whether you knew it or not, whether I knew it or not, I gave you my heart. And just like that, like everyone in my life, you broke it and now you’re gonna walk away never looking back.”
“That’s not true, Rose, we have a lot to work out, but I won’t leave you. We’ll find a way to make this work. Can’t you see I’m crazy about a woman who likes me for who I am, a woman who just told me that she loves me.”
“I can’t . . . don’t you see, I can’t love you, I can’t be with you. Look who’s in front of you . . . I am a whore, Shane.”
“No, don’t call yourself that!”
“It’s what I am, Shane.”
“No, stop calling yourself that.”
“What? Are you crazy? Do you not hear what I’m telling you? I sell my body to men for money. I let filthy men fuck me for money.”
“Stop it. Stop saying that.” He pushed toward me.
I backed away.