I stumbled to the kitchen popped a couple Motrin and choked down a small glass of water. My stomach hated me, curling and growling at the introduction of drugs and water without food. But the thought of eating something made me want to hurl. I pulled off my clothes, changing into something a little more comfortable than the last bit of clean clothes I had. I dropped my phone on the small rickety table next to my bed. Even though I didn’t want to think about the predicament I was in, not having much to wear and the necessity of having to go to the laundromat later today flashed through my mind. My head was still spinning, all I wanted to do was to fall back asleep. Within minutes my eyes closed and I welcomed eight hours of pure unadulterated shut-eye. It cost me more in lost revenue than a sailor who pissed away his best bottle of scotch.
I woke up half past noon, glanced over at my phone and saw that I had a message . . . it was a text from Shane. I stared at it as the text vibrated my phone and lit up my screen again. I won’t lie, I looked at it for a while, wondered if I should even respond or make him wait and wonder. To some people, it might be called cruel, selfish, and even evil to make him suffer for not contacting me sooner. I simply called it tit for tat. It was the only way I kept my heart from breaking again. Sure, I physically ached to spend time with him, be friends again, but that wasn’t a good enough reason to set myself up for heartbreak again. I held just enough pain against my heart so I’d never forget the gut-wrenching sting of betrayal. I needed Shane to see I wasn’t someone who’d come running the minute he realized how much he missed me.
SHANE: Can I say I’m sorry? I hope it’s not too late. I know I should have texted you sooner. I was trying to give you space. God, I missed you yesterday! I missed hanging out with my friend. Rose, I’m sorry I upset you. Will you please meet me today at the laundromat?
ME: What time?
SHANE: It doesn’t matter. I’ll be here until you show up.
But then again, broken girls always ached to be loved, even if it wasn’t perfect. I read our texts drenched in the loss of a week we’d never get back. I craved the same hopeless attention that he did, even when I totally knew it wasn’t going to work. Friends, and only friends, that was what we had to remain. No matter the feelings he had for me and me for him that was the only option for us.
I collected my dirty clothes, stuffed them into my laundry bag and wrestled it into the trunk of my car. I moved fast and with purpose, suddenly I had a reason to drive down to the Stop and Wash. I knew I had to tell him where I stood with our friendship, but even so, there was this tiny part of me . . . the littlest piece where I had wished I could be with him, claim him as mine and only mine. But no matter what I knew, it wasn’t possible, even the voice in my head never failed to remind me of who I was.
Come on Rose, you really think he wants more than a free roll in the hay with you? You are nothing more than a dirty fuck for him. He’ll always be too good for you. Laundry huh? Really, you’ll be nothing more than his dirty laundry secret. He can’t take you home to his parents. Just turn around.
As hard as it was, I kept driving. The voice in my head, my own personal recording from hell wasn’t going to change my mind.
I pulled my car into a spot on the first floor of the parking garage. It seemed like forever since I’d been here. And even though I had begun to claim some type of ownership of this familiar space I came to every Thursday for the last month, for some reason today it felt foreign to me. Maybe because it was a Friday, and I never had come to the laundromat on a Friday or it could’ve been the out of control beating of my heart that thundered in my ears. Either way, I had too many things hinging on seeing Shane that day, one being my soul.
I wrestled the laundry bag from my car and down the street to the Stop and Wash. I pushed open the door, fighting to keep my laundry bag from falling off my shoulder. I plopped it on the floor in front of me and scanned the place for Shane. On my second pass I noticed Shane talking to this really beautiful blonde. Her tits were so round and perfect, they bounced behind her skin-tight tank top as she laughed. Jealousy rushed my body as she smiled and dragged her hand down his forearm. I didn’t expect to see Shane giving his attention to this perky little thing. I thought he’d be waiting by the door for me, hoping he caught me as I had come in. She turned and danced her hips back and forth before she had shuffled away from Shane and showed him her perfect ass peeking out from her daisy dukes. What was I thinking coming here? I shouldn’t have come.
Just as she pulled him over to an open washing machine, he looked over at me. His eyes slowly burned through my soul. His smile pulled at every string connected to my heart. It was crazy how images could become distorted in our minds, and we’d just never quite have remembered the little details of someone or how their expressions affected us to the core of who we were. Oh, fuck, I was so off on my recollection of Shane when I had thought about him while I had earned a living. Every vision of him was wrong, so very wrong. I had forgotten about the slight wrinkle that showed up next to his eyes when he’d smile, or the way his Adam’s apple had bounced in his throat when he swallowed. I failed to recall the way his arms flexed as he dragged his hands across his jeans when he was nervous. I never visualized his swagger as he walked over to me, or the clean citrusy smell of his cologne.
“Hi,” he said as he buried his hands in his pockets. God how I had wished he had leaned over and kissed my cheek, a small gesture of chivalry I had missed from him.