I’m so mad at myself, for breaking down like this, especially after such a good day, but I guess moments like this are unavoidable.
Ryder returns with the clothes he’d given me and helps me to sit up since I don’t have the energy to do it myself. He directs me to lift my arms and he slides the shirt down over the towel. When my body is covered he whips the towel away and it drops to the floor. He helps me into the shorts next and then stays bent in front of me while I sit on the bed. My hands find their way to his shoulders, needing the support to stay upright. Droplets from my wet hair drip onto his naked chest but he doesn’t move away.
He swallows thickly, his eyes flitting over every exposed piece of me. He’s looking for an injury—some sign to explain this.
“What happened?” he asks when the answer to his question isn’t obvious. I stay immobile. There’s no way I can tell him I had a fantasy about him and it set me off. “Blaire,” he says, “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. I thought everything was okay today. What changed? Is this too much for you?”
I cover my face with my hands. “I don’t know,” I cry. “I’m so confused.”
“Hey, hey,” he soothes, tucking a piece of damp hair behind my ear. “It’s okay to be confused.”
“I want you in my life,” I tell him, biting my lip. It’s more of a confession than I meant to give.
“I’m here for you,” he says, his dark eyes flickering over my face with so much care. His fingers ghost over my cheek. “In whatever way you need, I’m here.”
I clutch at his chest and break down, falling off the bed and into his arms.
Maybe it’s wrong to seek comfort in his arms—he’s the reason for my breakdown after all—but I need to be held and I need him to be the one to do it. Yeah, it’s definitely wrong, but everything about this is wrong. Us, being together, it’s all because we lost the loves of our lives. What does that mean for us? Do we even have a chance for a future? A chance to love each other completely and as we are, without comparing the person to the one we lost? Right now, every time I get close to Ryder I have Ben creep into my mind and it confuses me.
My fingers shake against his skin and I murmur, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” he breathes.
“I ruined today,” I whine, pressing my forehead to his chest.
He lifts my head up. “No, you didn’t,” he assures me. “I’ve enjoyed every second.”
“Did you break the door?” I ask him.
“What door?” His brows furrow.
“The one to the bathroom?” My fingers curl into the hair at the nape of his neck.
“Probably,” he says with a slight shrug. “I wasn’t paying attention in the moment.”
I lean my head against his chest, my ear over his heart, and close my eyes. His hands rub up and down my back, soothing and relaxing me.
After a little while, I pull back and say, “I should probably go home.”
“Okay,” he says, brushing stray hairs away from my forehead. “I’ll get dressed and meet you downstairs.”
I climb off his lap and watch him go.
I head down the hall and gather up my clothes then go downstairs and wait by the door. Ryder jogs down the steps a minute later, dressed in a t-shirt and shorts similar to the ones he let me borrow.
“Ready?” he asks, opening the door.
“Yeah,” I say.
He holds the car door open for me and I climb inside. It doesn’t take long for him to reach my house. I don’t make any move to get out of the car, though.
“Thank you for today,” I say. “I really did have fun.”
“Good.” He smiles and leans over, pressing his lips to my forehead. “And maybe one day you’ll tell me exactly what goes on in that pretty head of yours.”
“Maybe,” I echo.
I slip out of the car and he watches until I’m in the house. I close and lock the door, then turn around, exhaling a heavy breath.
My eyes land on the vase full of paper cranes from Ben and my heart clenches. It’s been too long since I found a new one and I need to hear from him. Compelled by some unknown force I stride across to the vase and pluck out one of the carefully folded birds.
Remember, it’ll be okay.
—Ben
He left this paper crane for me on our bed shortly after the first negative pregnancy test. Those words, though, I need them now just as much a needed them back then.
Maybe it was fate that made me pick this particular crane, or maybe it was just random, but whatever the reason, I’m supremely thankful for it.
I fold the paper crane back up and put it back in the vase with the others.
“Until next time,” I whisper.