I’m going on a date with Ryder.
I believe if I keep repeating the words to myself I’ll somehow become desensitized to them. So far, my theory isn’t working. Ryder is the first man, besides Ben, that I’ve gone on a date with in years. Seven, almost eight, if I remember correctly. That’s insane to me. I’ve been out of the game for nearly a decade.
I take extra time curling my hair and putting on my makeup. It’s not really for Ryder’s benefit—okay, maybe a little bit—but it’s the only thing I’ve found to completely silence my mind. It’s a bit impossible to think about anything but lining your lips when you’re yielding a lip pencil and your mouth is gaping like a fish.
Ryder didn’t give me much information on what we were doing, except to say that we’d be outside most of the day. That could mean a million different things and I had no idea what to prepare for. A large part of me wanted to freak out and completely overthink things, but I was trying to go with the flow.
I finished my makeup, fluffed my curled hair, and headed into my closet.
I didn’t look at Ben’s side. I never did. I couldn’t bring myself to notice his shirts and jeans stacked neatly on shelves and his shoes scattered on the floor. It especially seemed wrong that they were still there on a day like today when I was going on a date with another man. I felt like I was cheating in a way. Logically, I knew that wasn’t the case, but it didn’t stop me from feeling that way.
I scanned my closet for something to wear. I felt like a whale so everything my fingers touched I immediately vetoed. I stood with my hands on my hips, frowning at my wardrobe.
What to wear? What to wear?
I figured a dress was a safe bet so I’d narrowed it down that much. But I wasn’t in the mood to wear something floral, white seemed … wrong, and stripes would only add to the whale affect. I end up settling on a long black dress with thicker tank top straps. I add some jewelry to dress it up a bit and a hat.
I check my phone for the time and then begin to panic. Ryder will be here any minute.
It’s not that I don’t want to go on a date with him—I do, but it’s a big step for me among a bunch of other big steps I’ve been taking lately. I’m worried it might be too much, but I keep pushing forward.
I don’t linger upstairs any longer. My parents are conveniently gone—thanks to the movie tickets I got them—so I don’t have to worry about them making me feel uncomfortable about the situation. Not that they would purposely, but since I’m already nervous it wouldn’t take much to completely set me off.
I busy myself by wiping the counters clean. It looks like my dad ate a cookie or something and crumbled it everywhere.
Men.
The doorbell rings a few minutes later.
My heart promptly stops and restarts five times faster.
I pause and take a deep breath before heading for the door. I open it to find Ryder standing there with a cluster of white tulips.
“Oh, they’re beautiful,” I say, taking them from him. “Thank you.”
“I wasn’t sure what your favorite flower was.” He shrugs shyly.
“These are perfect.” I smile at him. “Would you like to come in?” I ask, motioning over my shoulder. “I need to put these in water before we leave.”
“Yeah, sure.” He clears his throat and steps inside. I close the door behind him. I can tell from the tightness in his shoulders that he’s as nervous about today as I am, which instantly makes me feel better. I like knowing that I’m not alone in my worries.
I head into the kitchen, and he follows, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his shorts. I set the bouquet down on the counter and stretch up on my tiptoes to grab a clear vase from the cabinet.
“This is a nice place,” Ryder comments, looking around.
“Thanks,” I say, filling the vase with water. “I’m moving, though.”
His eyes widen. “Why?” He winces. “You don’t have to answer that. I didn’t mean to sound like I was prying.”
I laugh and empty the packet of stuff that came with the flowers into the water. “It’s okay. I can’t afford this place on my own, and frankly it’s too big. It … it doesn’t feel like home anymore,” I confess. I haven’t said those words out loud before now, but it’s something I’ve been thinking for a while.
Ryder crosses his arms over his chest and leans his hip against the counter. “I’ve been meaning to move for a while too. I’m usually so busy with work and Cole that I’m too exhausted to bother.” He chuckles.
“Maybe you should move before school starts back up?” I suggest.
“Doesn’t leave me much time, but maybe,” he muses.
I put the flowers in the vase and move them around a bit so they’re not so squished together. I carry the vase over to the table and set them in the center.
“Thanks,” I say again. “They really are pretty.”